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Thursday, December 17, 2009

Who Stole My Motivation! (January 28, 2008)

Monday, January 28, 2008 Well, I have decided to just be honest on here. Not that I haven't been all the while! But by being honest I mean tell how I really feel..... Today is ok. I ate everything I wanted over the weekend. I keep telling myself that I will eat just this one and then will start my diet back the next day. NOT happening! I seem to have lost all motivation. But I refuse to give up. I will keep on journalizing. I will keep coming to Sparkpeople and I will take time to post and read other posts (which I have not been doing). I think what I should do is - when I feel the need to eat and I don't need to I will run to my computer and come here and post a blog about what I am feeling. I find myself eating for absolutely no reason. And the "control" is not there. I feel....I eat! End of story. And I don't see where I have been stressed. It's like I have no conscious thought of "you do not need to eat that." Where has my motivation gone? Did someone steal it? Did I lose it? I can't blame anyone but myself. I know what I need to do but I don't do it. I have not been exercising. I am at heart a lazy person. Always have been. I would much rather sit and watch tv than walk on my treadmill. I must get my motivation back. I have started on an upward swing...up with the pounds that is! I feel like a fat slob and inside I am dying. I DON'T want to gain this weight back but I feel helpless to control myself. There! I said it. I feel like a slob and I don't like how I look yet I lack the motivation (at this moment) to do anything to change that. What the heck is wrong with me? I post about how I feel and and I get pumped up and then bam! right back to lazy bum sitting on the couch! Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it! (unfortunately). Like I said earlier I will not give up. I will not give in completely to my desire to eat anything and everything I want. But, you know, when I think about not ever having a hamburger and fries I think, "I can't do that!" Then I get an email from a friend about "loving your body as it is" and "put on her big girl panties and get over it" and then my mind says, just eat. There is nothing wrong with being a little fat. A lot of people I know are fat and God still loves them, they sill have friends, they seem happy. But that is not what I want damn it!!!!! I want to be healthy and at a normal weight - I really do! So why am I not willing to do what it takes to make that come about! Your guess is as good as mine. Am I subconsciously trying to sabotage my own weight loss efforts. Maybe I need a therapist! Oh well. I will think about what I have written. I will read some motivating articles on here and I will try my darnedest to do better. Right now I really hate myself and I don't like feeling this way. Maybe my antidepressant is not working! (ha) Oh well, life goes on whether I stay a fat slob or not. This is the end of this rant. Maybe I can be more positive really soon.

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