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Sunday, May 30, 2010

My 10 mile long run - all alone.

I went to bed Friday night dreading my 10 mile long run Sat. morning.  I had found no one who was able to run with me.  I decided I would run close to home.  I also decided to take my Lillie with me.  Last time I tried that she was too slow for me (didn't think ANYONE was too slow for me..he..he)  But I took her anyway because I did not relish the idea of going it alone.  Well.....she lasted a good 2 miles.  Bless her heart.  I took her back home as I could tell she was just not in the mood.

I had my ipod with me.  I have found I like to run without it but I brought it just in case I needed some motivation.  I had some songs on it and some podcasts from OA (personal testimonies and such) that I downloaded. They probably saved my life!  For the last couple of miles I did have to listen to it and they kept me motivated.

I usually am pretty slow and with no motivation when I first get started but after about 2-3 miles it gets to feeling pretty good and I think "I can do this all day!"

I ran my neighborhood which is about 2 miles and then a 3+ mile square close to home - twice!!  At about mile 4 I passed the dreaded donut shop and I could smell it before I got to it.  I almost brought money so I could stop in and get one but decided against it.  I felt like that might be defeating my purpose.  Right after I passed the donut shop my husband drove up with a nice cold bottle of water.  I poured out my hot water and put the cold water  in my hand-held water bottle.  A lifesaver...thank you honey!!

I would look at my Garmin off and on but had decided I would be in no hurry.  I would run with joy and notice the scenery around me and take my sweet time (without the donut).  And I did just that.

Those of you who have read my blog before or know me personally know that I am recovered alcoholic and addict.  Well, I want to tell you that God reminds of where I came from, and I don't want to ever forget that.   During every run God supplies me with a beer ....not to drink but one someone has thrown out on the side of the road.  I have NEVER ran that I did not see a beer can or beer bottle along my route, except for races of course. And when I do, I am reminded from where I came and how much I have to be grateful for.   I occasionally pass an empty cigarette package and am thankful that I don't smoke anymore also! 

God is so good and I don't deserve it but praise the Lord He thinks I am worthy!!

Before the run I drank one of those 5-hour energy things and could not tell much difference.  At about mile 5 I took a chocolate outrage Gu and then at mile 7 I took some Jelly Belly sports beans.  Got to get those carbs!    All in all it was a good run - even if i was by myself.  At least I did not feel pressured in my mind to keep up with anyone.  I had nothing to prove.  I just had 10 miles to run, that is all.  No finish line, no time limit, etc. Just training for my second half marathon to come in two weeks.  One thing I did think about was that my son, who is running the half also, was running HIS 10 mile run at his home.  So I guess you could say we ran together in spirit.  We tried to get together to do this run but it didn't work out.

The feeling of accomplishment after I finished that 10 miles was awesome!  It is every time I do something like this.  I still remember the day I got on the treadmill to do the couch 25K and could not run for even 15 minutes.  I never dreamed I would WALK 1 mile much less try to run one!!

It took me 2 hours and 31 minutes.  I told you I am slow, but I am also persistent.  I wouldn't have a few 5ks, 10ks, and one half marathon under my belt if I wasn't.  I have never been out to win anything.  I just want to be healthy.  One of my favorite quotes is - "The successful new long distance athlete is the one who can leave his ego behind at the race start."  That's me.  I run because I love it and because I never thought I could!  That is enough for me.  Oh, and the look on someone's face when I tell them I just ran 10 miles.... is priceless!!

Have a wonderful and safe holiday my friends!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The answer to my question (to myself) from my last blog is.....

On my last blog I ranted about how terrible I had been doing but I also asked myself a question. Am I ready to go to any LENGTH? I felt I should answer that question. I am sure you will be glad to hear that YES, YES, and YES. I am ready to go to any length - today. Just for today I am ready. And I hope tomorrow and every day thereaafter I wake up with the same attitude. Today I will:

1. Eat within my calorie range.  

2. Drink 8+ glasses of water.

3. Exercise at least 30 minutes.

4. Practice positive self talk.

5. Talk to another recovering person in my recovery group.

6. Continue to believe that I AM WORTH IT!!!!!

7. Stop worrying about my half marathon coming up on June 12th because I know I have put in the training time and I am ready.

I am truly grateful for my life today but I know I can make it a better and more healthy one. I know what to do...I have known for a long time what to do....I just have not been willing to do it. But for the next 24 hours I am just that - READY TO GO TO ANY LENGTH!!! Are you? I hope so. Come can do it!! I have faith in you.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Am I willing to go to ANY LENGTHS???

I have not had a good week....but no ones fault but my own.  I am like Darius on the Biggest Lower.  I sabotage my own best efforts.  I have been eating what I know I shouldn't and I have not been exercising like I should.  Eating more + no exercise = WEIGHT GAIN!!!  Plain and simple.  Can't blame anyone but me, myself and I!!!!!!!!!!! 

And I have a half marathon coming up in two weeks!  What is wrong with me???  January, February, and March I did great.  April was so so and now May is turning out to be a weight gainer.  I should be losing; especially since I have the half coming up.  I know, I know, if you have read any of my blog you know that I have sung this song many times before...and here I am again.  Well, you guys know the drill so I won't get into it.  Let's just say I know what I am doing is wrong but yet I continue to do it.  I learned in AA that the definition of INSANITY is "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results" - that is the story of my life!  I have been reading some OA material and I need to make a food plan.  I need to figure out what foods trigger my overeating and eliminate them.  Fried foods is one I know for sure.  I can go to a fast food restaurant for one meal and I will do it again and again until I gain weight and start loathing myself again.  

When I was in treatment for addiction my thinking was, I am not going to be able to drink alcohol for the REST OF MY LIFE?????? No way Hosea!  Can't do that.  My counselor told me to look at it this way - I can't drink alcohol TODAY!  I can do anything for 24 hours and he was right.  I have had almost 18 years of   24 hours at a time free from drugs and alcohol.  But this food issue is killing me.  I also had to be ready to go to ANY LENGTHS to stay sober.  And I was ready to do that.  Am I ready to go to ANY LENGTHS to stay abstinent and finally lose ALL this weight and be healthy???? Well???? Am I ?????  Obviously not, because I can't stay away from my binge foods.  

I think that obesity is socially acceptable while drunkenness is not. That is one difference.  If I get drunk and act a fool, I feel like a fool (if I remember it..he he).  Being overweight is okay, well it is not okay but it is not looked at the same as addiction to drugs and alcohol and is definitely not taken seriously by someone who doesn't have this problem.  I can't tell you the times I have mentioned attending OA and people laugh.....yes...they laugh....right in my face.  NOT COOL.  But I don't let it bother me as much as it used to. 

The thought of not being able to eat fast food or fried foods or sweets for the REST OF MY LIFE is daunting to say the least!  But maybe I can took at it from a 24 hour standpoint and have better success.  

All I know is that today I don't want to be fat anymore but am I willing to go to ANY LENGTH  to make that happen??  Apparently not!!  What will it take for me to get ready????  More meetings, more looking at ME and why I use food for comfort, more working of the 12 steps, more accountability, consistent exercising.......probably all of this and more.  

I am just thankful that I am able to voice my feelings.  I spent many many years stuffing my feelings and being unable to voice them.  Today I can talk to someone about my feelings, blog, etc and I feel a little better.  I think as long as I get the feelings OUT, then I am making progress.  But that doesn't seem to be helping me in  the weight department.  I mentioned that I am an all-or-nothing person and I can't seem to find the happy medium.  But at least I am still looking.  I haven't given up.  I won't give up..but I don't want it to take me forever to lose this weight.  I would like to have a time in my life where I am maintaining and not having to lose.  But I know if I don't give up that will happen.  One day at a time has worked pretty well for me....maybe I should work on that aspect of my program for a beginning.  

Sometimes I wonder why I feel like I am going to DIE if I don't get that dessert, hamburger, fries, etc.  I am slowly learning to talk to myself and ask myself if I am REALLY going to die.....well of course not!  But more times than not I don't talk to myself at all.  I just go get whatever it is I am craving and it is like I am "hell-bent" on getting it and no one had better get in my way.  Anyone else ever feel like that?  As I am eating it I feel relief but afterwards when I am stuffed, I feel horrible and berate myself for being a weak individual.  I know I am going to fall but I am tired of falling so often.  

Well, at any rate, I am not what I used to be, praise the Lord, and I do have a choice about it.  I can go to ANY LENGTHS or I can just keep yo-yoing

But.............. I won't give up.  I won't quit.  During my 5 mile run this morning I stopped running when we were just about finished and Linda said, "you quitting?"  That keeps resonating over and over in my head.  Am I quitting?  Am I a quitter?  Well.........not today.  Just...... not today.  Tomorrow isn't here yet.  Don't mean to be so dreary but even I have a bad day sometimes. 

Have a great weekend my friends.  In the mean time I will be thinking about the decision I have to make.  Am I ready to go to ANY I????  

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Another great day!

Another great day.

Got my 8 glasses of emoticon in.

Ate within my calorie range. emoticon

Left work early so did not get all my stair workouts in but did make it to spin class this morning at 6 am. emoticon 15 miles in 40 minutes.

Attended recovery meeting emoticon and did NOT partake in the pizza!

I have a long run, 9 miles, scheduled for this Sat morning. May have to do part of it alone but once I get started it will be okay. emoticon

How are the rest of you guys doing? 

May 12, 2009

1. Stayed within my calorie range.

2. Drank 14 glasses of water.  

3. Got in my 10 minutes of cardio, plus some, by climbing stairs at work.

4. Felt good about myself and my accomplishments. I would say I met all my goals for this day.

                                                       I am trying to take it one day at a time, as this is the only thing that works for me. For the past month I had been crazy, obsessive, and compulsive. I know  from experience that does not work but sometimes I just do things that I know don't work and who knows why??? But thank God I always fall back down to reality before much damage is done. After two recovery meeting in which I shared
                                                       what had been going on with me, I am a little more sane today.  
My husband's youngest daughter is having her first child next Monday. His oldest daughter had her first child, a son, last month. So we will be blessed with two grandchildren, one boy and one girl. I did really well while out of my comfort zone at the hospital when the first grandchild was born. I just hope I do as well this time. I will take healthy snacks, plan on making healthy choices, and if possible get in some walking while we wait on the baby to be born. In places and situations where I used to sit, I have started moving if at all possible. When our first grandchild was born I walked about 3 miles while waiting on the birth. This will be at the same hospital so I can do that again. No excuses!

I have 9 miles on schedule to run this Sat and my husband insists that I not do it alone since I had that asthma attack last time I ran the 10K. Linda has agreed to do 3 with me and possibly more. My half is in June. I may regret doing this one because of the heat and humidity down here (Mississippi) but I hope not. I have just decided to take it slow. I have a problem with wanting to do what the others are doing. Not only am I not physically able to do that, but I don't have to do that! I have to tell myself in almost every your OWN race Betty.... Run your OWN race!

I really hate to run by myself so I may not do another half without someone who is going to do it with me so they can train with me. Patty was going to but she is having hip problems and is probably not going to be able to make this one. My son and DIL are running in it but they don't live here so I can't run with them. But I am signed up and I am finishing.

Hope you all have a great day!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Thursday, May 6, 2010

When my friend stated that she might not run for a while, that she had let the exercise "get ahead of her" I could not contemplate what she was thinking! But after my last race and the asthma attack and doing some serious thinking, I totally get what she was saying!

I seem to have an "all or nothing" personality. I have been too obsessive about the exercise and it has totally consumed my thoughts and time. I ran this last race faster than I probably should have. My thought was on a PR with no thought to how my body felt. I am still very overweight and need to lose at least another 50 pounds. I am sure my body takes a pounding every time I run. I know that I will be faster when I lose more weight so maybe my priority should be losing the weight and not gaining speed in my running. The speed will come with the weight loss. I have been having a few aches and pains here and there and I don't want to wear out my body; I want to be healthy for the rest of my life, however long that is.

I have been trying to do some type of exercise every day and that is good. But when I can't exercise, for whatever reason, I get mad. I don't want my happiness to depend on whether or not I get to work out! I am pushing myself to work out compulsively and I let everything else take a back seat. I skip meals so I can get to the Y, don't eat right because I don't take the time to prepare meals, all I think about is how and when I can run, walk, spin, ect. And when I don't exercise I am glued to my chair. I sat in my chair in front of the TV last night for 6 hours. I got up only to let the dog out and back in. That's NOT good!

My weight loss has taken a back seat to everything else and you would think that with all the exercise, I would be losing weight but that is not the case. I eat good one day and bad for two days. So I lose a pound one week and gain it back the next. My thinking is, 'oh yea, I can have that bread pudding, which has about 800 calories because I will run it off.'

I have got to find that happy medium. Yes, I want to lose weight. Yes, I enjoy exercising. Yes, I want to keep the weight off. But more than that I just want to be healthy. I don't want to be compulsive and obsessive about anything! And that includes exercise and eating. So.... I have taken this week off. I have not run any. I have not been to spin class. I have walked one time and I might walk today. And I am trying to be okay with that because that IS okay! Any movement for me is good considering what I used to do...which was nothing!

So I didn't run this week...the world will not come to an end. So I didn't go to spin class this week...the sun will still shine. So I did not burn as many calories as usual....the earth is still spinning around. And life will go on and I won't die. And I need to be okay with that. I don't want to do what I have done in the past - get super excited about something, do LOTS OF IT, then get burned out and quit because I can't keep up the pace I have set for myself. That, my friends, would NOT be good.

So I am rethinking my exercise regimen and I am going to focus a little more on how, when, and what I eat. I will still exercise but I won't let it consume my life and be my all-in-all! It's important for weight loss and I do enjoy it. It will be a major part of my overall healthy lifestyle along with eating right.

I suppose what I am trying to say is I want to be a HEALTHY person, not just someone who runs, and not just someone who is losing weight, but a HEALTHY and HAPPY person. And that is a place that I know I can get to. I am so grateful for being able to look at myself and make changes when necessary. But I want the changes to be something that I can continue for a lifetime because this is my life friends, this is NOT a diet, this IS my life.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it....he he ...... and I feel better already for having written this. Thanks for reading.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Horrible race but I did PR!!

I have put off writing this blog about my last race, the Cotton Classic, on May 1st because I had such a hard time.

I believe this is my worse race ever as far as how I felt during and afterwards. It was extremely humid and it rained. At mile 2 I was feeling pretty bad but I usually do feel kind of bummed out until about mile 5. At about mile 3.80 I was having an extremely hard time. I wasn't sure what was going on but I was pretty miserable. The rain cooled us down some so that was good. At mile 4 I thought, "I am not going to be able to finish this!" but I refused to stop. I was about a block from the finish line and thought I was going to die. My friend, Linda, who was nursing a sore knee, did the walk and she came out and ran me in. That really helped a lot as I was almost in tears. Of course I picked it up at the end, as best I could, because I was trying to beat my last 10K time AND I DID! There is always a silver lining in the clouds!

When I crossed the finish line I could hardly breath. I had never felt this bad before and I was puzzled about it. My husband hugged me and I started crying and I am not sure why but I did. I think I was just exhausted from running faster than normal and the humidity. I walked up to my son and DIL and was still feeling somewhat not right and then the next thing I knew my throat closed up on me and I could not breath at all. Of course I panicked. My DIL is a nurse and she was instrumental in helping me to calm down and try to breath. My throat felt like it was closing up and then it would open up and I would get a few breaths and then it would close again. I had never had that happen to me before. It was an awful feeling! My family wanted me to go to the ER but I did not want to. I was hoping it would pass. I sent my DIL to find the ambulance and there was not one! First race I have ever been to where there was no ambulance. I felt if I could just get some oxygen or some air somehow, I would be okay. I started praying, "God help me, please help me" and it eased up some.

It was still raining and we were getting soaked. My son went to the car so they could take me to ER but I was feeling a little better by then. I remember my husband pouring water on me to cool me down. My heart rate felt out of this world!

By mid afternoon I was feeling better. But I did not want to run again until I had seen a doctor so I have done that and had EKG and it was normal. Received diagnosis of EIB, exercise induced bronchospasm or as it used to be called exercise induced asthma. Oh joy! NOT what I wanted to hear. So now I know what an asthma attack feels like. It ain't fun people!! Being unable to breath is a scaring feeling.

I have been given a Albuterol inhaler to use before exercising. I did PR so that is cool too. I laughingly told my family - "well if I had died, I would have died happy!" And they know that is true!

Below is me, my DIL Martha and my son, Jason before the race. Overall we really did have a good time.