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Saturday, May 22, 2010

Am I willing to go to ANY LENGTHS???

I have not had a good week....but no ones fault but my own.  I am like Darius on the Biggest Lower.  I sabotage my own best efforts.  I have been eating what I know I shouldn't and I have not been exercising like I should.  Eating more + no exercise = WEIGHT GAIN!!!  Plain and simple.  Can't blame anyone but me, myself and I!!!!!!!!!!! 

And I have a half marathon coming up in two weeks!  What is wrong with me???  January, February, and March I did great.  April was so so and now May is turning out to be a weight gainer.  I should be losing; especially since I have the half coming up.  I know, I know, if you have read any of my blog you know that I have sung this song many times before...and here I am again.  Well, you guys know the drill so I won't get into it.  Let's just say I know what I am doing is wrong but yet I continue to do it.  I learned in AA that the definition of INSANITY is "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results" - that is the story of my life!  I have been reading some OA material and I need to make a food plan.  I need to figure out what foods trigger my overeating and eliminate them.  Fried foods is one I know for sure.  I can go to a fast food restaurant for one meal and I will do it again and again until I gain weight and start loathing myself again.  

When I was in treatment for addiction my thinking was, I am not going to be able to drink alcohol for the REST OF MY LIFE?????? No way Hosea!  Can't do that.  My counselor told me to look at it this way - I can't drink alcohol TODAY!  I can do anything for 24 hours and he was right.  I have had almost 18 years of   24 hours at a time free from drugs and alcohol.  But this food issue is killing me.  I also had to be ready to go to ANY LENGTHS to stay sober.  And I was ready to do that.  Am I ready to go to ANY LENGTHS to stay abstinent and finally lose ALL this weight and be healthy???? Well???? Am I ?????  Obviously not, because I can't stay away from my binge foods.  

I think that obesity is socially acceptable while drunkenness is not. That is one difference.  If I get drunk and act a fool, I feel like a fool (if I remember it..he he).  Being overweight is okay, well it is not okay but it is not looked at the same as addiction to drugs and alcohol and is definitely not taken seriously by someone who doesn't have this problem.  I can't tell you the times I have mentioned attending OA and people laugh.....yes...they laugh....right in my face.  NOT COOL.  But I don't let it bother me as much as it used to. 

The thought of not being able to eat fast food or fried foods or sweets for the REST OF MY LIFE is daunting to say the least!  But maybe I can took at it from a 24 hour standpoint and have better success.  

All I know is that today I don't want to be fat anymore but am I willing to go to ANY LENGTH  to make that happen??  Apparently not!!  What will it take for me to get ready????  More meetings, more looking at ME and why I use food for comfort, more working of the 12 steps, more accountability, consistent exercising.......probably all of this and more.  

I am just thankful that I am able to voice my feelings.  I spent many many years stuffing my feelings and being unable to voice them.  Today I can talk to someone about my feelings, blog, etc and I feel a little better.  I think as long as I get the feelings OUT, then I am making progress.  But that doesn't seem to be helping me in  the weight department.  I mentioned that I am an all-or-nothing person and I can't seem to find the happy medium.  But at least I am still looking.  I haven't given up.  I won't give up..but I don't want it to take me forever to lose this weight.  I would like to have a time in my life where I am maintaining and not having to lose.  But I know if I don't give up that will happen.  One day at a time has worked pretty well for me....maybe I should work on that aspect of my program for a beginning.  

Sometimes I wonder why I feel like I am going to DIE if I don't get that dessert, hamburger, fries, etc.  I am slowly learning to talk to myself and ask myself if I am REALLY going to die.....well of course not!  But more times than not I don't talk to myself at all.  I just go get whatever it is I am craving and it is like I am "hell-bent" on getting it and no one had better get in my way.  Anyone else ever feel like that?  As I am eating it I feel relief but afterwards when I am stuffed, I feel horrible and berate myself for being a weak individual.  I know I am going to fall but I am tired of falling so often.  

Well, at any rate, I am not what I used to be, praise the Lord, and I do have a choice about it.  I can go to ANY LENGTHS or I can just keep yo-yoing

But.............. I won't give up.  I won't quit.  During my 5 mile run this morning I stopped running when we were just about finished and Linda said, "you quitting?"  That keeps resonating over and over in my head.  Am I quitting?  Am I a quitter?  Well.........not today.  Just...... not today.  Tomorrow isn't here yet.  Don't mean to be so dreary but even I have a bad day sometimes. 

Have a great weekend my friends.  In the mean time I will be thinking about the decision I have to make.  Am I ready to go to ANY I????  

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