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Thursday, May 6, 2010

When my friend stated that she might not run for a while, that she had let the exercise "get ahead of her" I could not contemplate what she was thinking! But after my last race and the asthma attack and doing some serious thinking, I totally get what she was saying!

I seem to have an "all or nothing" personality. I have been too obsessive about the exercise and it has totally consumed my thoughts and time. I ran this last race faster than I probably should have. My thought was on a PR with no thought to how my body felt. I am still very overweight and need to lose at least another 50 pounds. I am sure my body takes a pounding every time I run. I know that I will be faster when I lose more weight so maybe my priority should be losing the weight and not gaining speed in my running. The speed will come with the weight loss. I have been having a few aches and pains here and there and I don't want to wear out my body; I want to be healthy for the rest of my life, however long that is.

I have been trying to do some type of exercise every day and that is good. But when I can't exercise, for whatever reason, I get mad. I don't want my happiness to depend on whether or not I get to work out! I am pushing myself to work out compulsively and I let everything else take a back seat. I skip meals so I can get to the Y, don't eat right because I don't take the time to prepare meals, all I think about is how and when I can run, walk, spin, ect. And when I don't exercise I am glued to my chair. I sat in my chair in front of the TV last night for 6 hours. I got up only to let the dog out and back in. That's NOT good!

My weight loss has taken a back seat to everything else and you would think that with all the exercise, I would be losing weight but that is not the case. I eat good one day and bad for two days. So I lose a pound one week and gain it back the next. My thinking is, 'oh yea, I can have that bread pudding, which has about 800 calories because I will run it off.'

I have got to find that happy medium. Yes, I want to lose weight. Yes, I enjoy exercising. Yes, I want to keep the weight off. But more than that I just want to be healthy. I don't want to be compulsive and obsessive about anything! And that includes exercise and eating. So.... I have taken this week off. I have not run any. I have not been to spin class. I have walked one time and I might walk today. And I am trying to be okay with that because that IS okay! Any movement for me is good considering what I used to do...which was nothing!

So I didn't run this week...the world will not come to an end. So I didn't go to spin class this week...the sun will still shine. So I did not burn as many calories as usual....the earth is still spinning around. And life will go on and I won't die. And I need to be okay with that. I don't want to do what I have done in the past - get super excited about something, do LOTS OF IT, then get burned out and quit because I can't keep up the pace I have set for myself. That, my friends, would NOT be good.

So I am rethinking my exercise regimen and I am going to focus a little more on how, when, and what I eat. I will still exercise but I won't let it consume my life and be my all-in-all! It's important for weight loss and I do enjoy it. It will be a major part of my overall healthy lifestyle along with eating right.

I suppose what I am trying to say is I want to be a HEALTHY person, not just someone who runs, and not just someone who is losing weight, but a HEALTHY and HAPPY person. And that is a place that I know I can get to. I am so grateful for being able to look at myself and make changes when necessary. But I want the changes to be something that I can continue for a lifetime because this is my life friends, this is NOT a diet, this IS my life.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it....he he ...... and I feel better already for having written this. Thanks for reading.

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