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Sunday, January 3, 2010

2009 Recap and poor pitiful me!

Wow!  I can't believe 2010 is here already!  2009 was a pretty good year considering.  I took up running in February, did a 5K, 10K and the St. Jude 1/2 marathon in Memphis.  Amazing, considering not so long ago I was very overweight and barely moved off the couch except to go to work.  I am so glad I took up running.  I am going to continue to run.  But what I had hoped was that my running was somehow miraculously make the weight just drop off but that has not happened.  No, I did not change my eating habits much, which is probably the reason.  I now know that running is a wonderful way to get and stay in shape but I have to curb the eating as well. When I learned that running burns only about 100 calories per mile I could see why I wasn't losing any weight.  If I was honest with myself,  I bet I eat 3,000 or more calories on some days.

I currently run about a 15 minute mile and I would love to be faster but I know weight loss is the key.  You would think that after being in recovery for 18 years and conquering the drugs and alcohol that my food addiction was be "a piece of cake" but's damn hard!  I think it is the hardest thing I have every tried to do.  With drugs I don't have to do them, but I have to eat to survive.  I have an "all or nothing" attitude.  I have gotten by with eating very little and then eating way too much.  I can't seem to find that happy medium for my eating.  I am a compulsive eater and usually don't stop till I am stuffed!  Right at this very moment I am sitting here stuffed to the gill and with a stomach ache.  I said tonight would be my last night overeat so I have eaten EVERYTHING I wanted today and now I am paying for it.  It is at these times that I decide to lose weight FOR REAL this time.  OMG!  How many times have I said that to myself.   Thousands and thousands I am sure.

My weight loss started out when I hit my highest at 238 in 2005/2006.  I lost down to 179 but now am back up to 210.  I lost the weight, started getting compliments and felt so good.  I guess I decided that one candy bar, taco, french fry, etc. wouldn't hurt.  Famous last words I suppose.  One always leads to another, and another, and another.  

Well, I could go on and on but I guess you get the picture.  I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!  I want my life to change but here I sit absolutely miserable from overeating and wishing I could throw up all this food I fed myself today.  I have lots of excuses - my husband is fat, my family is fat, everyone loves to eat, my MIL has candy all over the house, food all the time, etc, etc. Not enough money to buy all those diet dinners, don't like to cook and hate vegetables and most fruits.  When I quit drinking, I was willing to do WHATEVER it took to do that.  I need to get the same attitude about this out of control eating as well.  But sitting around her blogging about it won't cut it.  So I am going to get off of here, cry a while, soak in the tub, think of all the excuses I can come up with about why I can't do this and just feel majorly sorry for myself for a while.  Then after all that is said and done I will pick myself up and start over - ONE MORE TIME!

If there is one thing I have learned over the years it is that negative self talk is not good for anything so when I get back on here I will have a more positive attitude but right now I just needed to blog about how I really felt.  Yes, I have ran a half marathon, yes, I have lose around 40 pounds in three years and yes a lot of wonderful things have happened in my life so everything is not all gloom and doom.  But for right now I am giving myself permission to dislike myself and look at the reasons why I dislike myself and decide once and for all if I really want to do this or do I just want to take the easier, softer way and stay fat and miserable.  My choice.  My decision.  My life.  One more time I am reminded of the old saying - "either sh*t or get off the pot.  So that is what I hope to do.  Make a decision and stick with it.  For those of you reading my blog for the first time, I am not usually so down on myself but I know that expressing my real feelings is a good thing and sometimes I need to share even the negative things I have going on.  My life is great!  It has been for a long time but it is not great every single day!  I just take the good with the bad and move forward.  Today I am commenting on the bad.  Tomorrow it may be different.  But there will be many times when I struggle and have to blog about that.  I am sure that I will be tempted many times and fall many times but I hope that I chose to get back up each time as well.  So, some times this bog may be encouraging to you and other times I may be the one who needs the encouragement!  But I know that together we can do this.

MAKE it a great day!        

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