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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I would really like to know how to lose weight!  Calories in vs. calories out they say. And yet, I am having no progress.  I know that I don't eat right on every single day but then again, my exercise should help with some of it.  Is it really so easy to gain weight that missing a few exercise sessions and eating a little two much on 1-2 days out of the week would make a difference?  I know there have been days when my calorie count was off the roof!  But most days it is within my caloric range.  Am I eating too much?  Is my calorie count spark people gave me correct?  Am I not exercising enough?  I don't know what the problem is.  I know that I have lost and gained 1,000 of pounds.  I have used every diet known to man over the last 30 years, plus fen-phen, diet pills - you name it!  Have I messed up my metabolism so bad that it can't be repaired?  Am I destined to be fat all my life?  

I went shopping the other day and I was happy to know that I can shop in the "regular" sizes and not the XL sizes.  I have made some progress over the past five years but my weight loss has stopped and I have been getting absolutely no where for the past two years.  It is so frustrating.  It makes me want to starve myself.  If I don't eat then I WILL lose weight!  But I don't want to just be skinny - I want to be healthy.  Maybe I should see a dietitican or a personal trainer or a hypnotist, or a guru........maybe I should just put duct tape over my mouth (don't laugh-that thought has crossed my mind but I didn't think it would make a very good fashion statement).  

Weight loss is so frustrating......weight loss is so frustrating....have I said that weight loss is frustrating????  ~sigh~ 

I get really motivated and it lasts for about a week.  I am exercising, counting calories, recording calories, going to OA meetings, but I still find myself binging on certain foods.  For instance - I go to a recovery meeting every Thursday night where I am a small group leader, so I have to be there.  We serve pizza every Thursday.  I have tried everything to not eat that pizza.  I have gone in late, gone in early, stopped helping to serve the food, etc, etc.  Last Thursday I even ate before I went, told myself I would not eat the pizza over and over and then as I ate the pizza my mind was saying, "You don't need to be eating is"  but I had no mental defense against it.    

Sometimes I think it just boils down to - "what do I really want"  Evidently I want to be fat because that is what is happening.  I am CHOOSING to eat those things, I am making conscious decisions that I know will hinder my weight loss.  What the  hell is up with that????  It must be what I want or I wouldn't be doing it.  

But - at the same time - is it NOT what I want.  I DO want to lose weight, I DO want to be healthy, but my actions are saying otherwise.   I guess if I REALLY wanted it, I would do it.  Sounds simple huh?  But yet it's not. There are days when I am eating and saying right at that moment, as I am eating,  that I do not need to eat this yet I just keep eating.  I just keep eating.............!!!!!!  Why can't I stop?  Why can't I, when my mind says stop, just stop?  I don't have the answer to that question but as always, I refuse to give up on me.   I will continue on this beaten path - it is all I know right now.  Somewhere deep down inside me is the yearning to be healthy and I know exactly what to do but I am not doing it.   When am I going to stop feeling sorry for myself and suck it up and just do it?  I am so sick and tired of this yo-yoing back and forth.  (not too sick of it, or I would stop huh???)  I am torn between two lovers - the love of food and the love to be a normal weight and a healthy individual.  

I know this sounds like poor pitiful me, once again, but I can't keep this stuff and these feelings bottled up.  I have to let them out.  So there it is.  My rant for the day.  I am still going to MAKE it a great day.  One day at a time.  I hope you do too.   
Sent from my Cellular South BlackBerry® Smartphone

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