I went shopping the other day and I was happy to know that I can shop in the "regular" sizes and not the XL sizes. I have made some progress over the past five years but my weight loss has stopped and I have been getting absolutely no where for the past two years. It is so frustrating. It makes me want to starve myself. If I don't eat then I WILL lose weight! But I don't want to just be skinny - I want to be healthy. Maybe I should see a dietitican or a personal trainer or a hypnotist, or a guru........maybe I should just put duct tape over my mouth (don't laugh-that thought has crossed my mind but I didn't think it would make a very good fashion statement).
Weight loss is so frustrating......weight loss is so frustrating....have I said that weight loss is frustrating???? ~sigh~
I get really motivated and it lasts for about a week. I am exercising, counting calories, recording calories, going to OA meetings, but I still find myself binging on certain foods. For instance - I go to a recovery meeting every Thursday night where I am a small group leader, so I have to be there. We serve pizza every Thursday. I have tried everything to not eat that pizza. I have gone in late, gone in early, stopped helping to serve the food, etc, etc. Last Thursday I even ate before I went, told myself I would not eat the pizza over and over and then as I ate the pizza my mind was saying, "You don't need to be eating is" but I had no mental defense against it.
Sometimes I think it just boils down to - "what do I really want" Evidently I want to be fat because that is what is happening. I am CHOOSING to eat those things, I am making conscious decisions that I know will hinder my weight loss. What the hell is up with that???? It must be what I want or I wouldn't be doing it.
But - at the same time - is it NOT what I want. I DO want to lose weight, I DO want to be healthy, but my actions are saying otherwise. I guess if I REALLY wanted it, I would do it. Sounds simple huh? But yet it's not. There are days when I am eating and saying right at that moment, as I am eating, that I do not need to eat this yet I just keep eating. I just keep eating.............!!!!!! Why can't I stop? Why can't I, when my mind says stop, just stop? I don't have the answer to that question but as always, I refuse to give up on me. I will continue on this beaten path - it is all I know right now. Somewhere deep down inside me is the yearning to be healthy and I know exactly what to do but I am not doing it. When am I going to stop feeling sorry for myself and suck it up and just do it? I am so sick and tired of this yo-yoing back and forth. (not too sick of it, or I would stop huh???) I am torn between two lovers - the love of food and the love to be a normal weight and a healthy individual.
I know this sounds like poor pitiful me, once again, but I can't keep this stuff and these feelings bottled up. I have to let them out. So there it is. My rant for the day. I am still going to MAKE it a great day. One day at a time. I hope you do too.
GOD IS GOOD....ALL THE TIME!
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