MY WEIGHT LOSS PROGRESS

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I don't get it......or maybe I do!!

 would really like to know how to lose weight! Calories in vs. calories out they say. And yet, I am having no progress. I know that I don't eat right on every single day but then again, my exercise should help with some of it. Is it really so easy to gain weight that missing a few exercise sessions and eating a little two much on 1-2 days out of the week would make a difference? I know there have been days when my calories count was off the roof! But most days it is within my calorie range. Am I eating too much? Is my calorie count spark people gave me correct? Am I not exercising enough? I don't know what the problem is. I know that I have lost and gained 1,000 of pounds. I have used every diet known to man over the last 30 years, plus fen-phen, diet pills - you name it! Have I messed up my metabolism so bad that it can't be repaired? Am I destined to be fat all my life? 

I went shopping the other day and I was happy to know that I can shop in the "regular" sizes and not the XL sizes. I have made some progress over the past five years but my weight loss has stopped and I have been getting absolutely no where for the past two years. It is so frustrating. It makes me want to starve myself. If I don't eat then I WILL lose weight! But I don't want to just be skinny - I want to be healthy. Maybe I should see a dietitican or a personal trainer or a hypnotist, or a guru........maybe I should just put duct tape over my mouth (don't laugh-that thought has crossed my mind but I didn't think it would make a very good fashion statement). 

Weight loss is so frustrating......weight loss is so frustrating....have I said that weight loss is frustrating???? ~sigh~ 

I get really motivated and it lasts for about a week. I am exercising, counting calories, recording calories, going to OA meetings, but I still find myself binging on certain foods. For instance - I go to a recovery meeting every Thursday night where I am a small group leader, so I have to be there. We serve pizza every Thursday. I have tried everything to not eat that pizza. I have gone in late, gone in early, stopped helping to serve the food, etc, etc. Last Thursday I even ate before I went, told myself I would not eat the pizza over and over and then as I ate the pizza my mind was saying, "You don't need to be eating is" but I had no mental defense against it. 

Sometimes I think it just boils down to - "what do I really want" Evidently I want to be fat because that is what is happening. I am CHOOSING to eat those things, I am making conscious decisions that I know will hinder my weight loss. What the hell is up with that???? It must be what I want or I wouldn't be doing it. 

But - at the same time - is it NOT what I want. I DO want to lose weight, I DO want to be healthy, but my actions are saying otherwise. I guess if I REALLY wanted it, I would do it. Sounds simple huh? But yet it's not. There are days when I am eating and saying right at that moment, as I am eating, that I do not need to eat this yet I just keep eating. I just keep eating.............!!!!!! Why can't I stop? Why can't I, when my mind says stop, just stop? I don't have the answer to that question but as always, I refuse to give up on me. I will continue on this beaten path - it is all I know right now. Somewhere deep down inside me is the yearning to be healthy and I know exactly what to do but I am not doing it. When am I going to stop feeling sorry for myself and suck it up and just do it? I am so sick and tired of this yo-yoing back and forth. (not too sick of it, or I would stop huh???) I am torn between two lovers - the love of food and the love to be a normal weight and a healthy individual. 

I know it sounds like poor pitiful me, once again, but I can't keep this stuff and these feelings bottled up. I have to let them out. So there it is. My rant for the day. I am still going to MAKE it a great day. One day at a time. I hope you do too.

1 comment:

  1. Weight loss occurs when your body mass is reduced. This reduction can be caused by loss of fluid, body fat, etc. The high concentration of polyphenols in Chinese weight loss tea increases your metabolism and reduces fat and carb absorption, which helps your body to lose weight faster.

    ReplyDelete