Carb addict!

Weight today - yeh, lets just get the bad out there first!!! ha ha!!!

206 pounds!

But....Yesterday was a good day and today was a good day.  I just left the OA meeting and I feel better.  We are listening to a big book study and the guy doing it is in OA and relates everything to food.  Boy, do I get it!  I just need to listen to him 24/7 and maybe it will stick in my thick skull.

I have been sober 22 years and God has removed the craving I had for alcohol and drugs.  Now I need him to do it for the carbs and sweets.  In the big book study he talks about having an addition to carbs and I believe a person can have that.  I think I do!  The more I eat them, the more I want them!  There is no "I'll just have one" when it comes to pizza, donuts, fast food etc.  If I eat at a fast food place for lunch I will want to eat there for supper and every day thereafter.  I do believe it sets up a craving in me just like when I had the problem with alcohol. And the only way to stop a craving is to never start one!  I always heard in AA that it is not the 100th drink that gets you - it's the first one and today I understand that.  If I never have the 1st one - then I don't have to have the 2nd, and the 3rd and so on.  Its the same way for me with the carbs and sweets.  If I can just refrain from having that 1st one, that is where my problem lies. I lie to myself and say I will only have 1 but I don't ever have 1 of anything!  My mentality has always been - if 1 is good, then 2 or more is better!  And that gets me into a lot of trouble most times.  I truly understand this but have yet to be able to live it out.  There are days when I can have "just 1"  and it may take a while but eventually I will end up on a day when 1 just isn't enough and I will eat till I am sick.  

This .....has.....to .....stop!

So, I am proud of my two good days and I hope to have a few more good days, one day at a time.  

Make it a great evening friends.

ONE MORE HEALTHY DAY!!

I am going to be weighing in on Mondays. I did not lose any weight last week but I have really been watching what I eat this week and trying to exercise every day.  Hopefully this Monday will show a loss.  Maybe I won't blow it on the weekend again!  I am really trying hard this time.

The OA meeting was great. There were only four of us there but that was fine. We listened to an interview of a fellow OA member.  We have a small group and not much abstinence so we find it nice to listen to someone who is actually living and working the program.  The speaker said a lot of things that I could relate to.  I have found several podcasts for OA on Itunes so I have downloaded several of them to listen to.   That will help I am sure.

I am trying to eat 3 meals a day with not as many snacks.  I find that when I eat 3 meals and 3 snacks it is like I am eating all day long and I focus only on the food. I have got to learn to sit still and not focus so much on food.  My job has changed a little at work as well so I find that as long as I stay busy I don't go to the kitchen as much.  I think some of my eating is out of boredom.  Not that I don't have plenty of work to do, because I do, but sometimes doing the same thing over and over gets boring and I find myself thinking of hunting for something to eat just to be doing something different.  So I have got to stop that.

It is almost bedtime so I am going to take a long hot bath since I just got off the dreadmill treadmill and maybe I can get some sleep!

I hope everyone had a HEALTHY day today and is planning to have one tomorrow as well.  I am!

I put my hand in yours, and together we can do what we could never do alone.

Betty

No Mental Defense Against The First Bite

At a certain point in the drinking overeating of every alcoholic compulsive overeater, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking eating compulsively is of absolutely no avail. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected.

The fact is that most alcoholics compulsive overeaters, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink eating compulsively.  Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink compulsive bite. 

The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a first bite of that glass of beer binge food do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.

The alcoholic compulsive overeater may say to himself in the most casual way, "It won't burn me this time, so here's how!" Or perhaps he doesn't think at all. How often have some of us begun to drink eat in this nonchalant way, and after the third or fourth, pounded on the bar kitchen table or fast food counter and said to ourselves, "For God's sake, how did I ever get started again?" Only to have that thought supplanted by "Well, I'll stop with the sixth drink bite." Or "What's the use anyhow?"

When this sort of thinking is fully established in an individual with alcoholic compulsive overeating tendencies, he has probably placed himself beyond human aid, and unless locked up, may die or go permanently insane.  - from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous page 24.  

Say what????  

Yes, this is the way it was for me some 20+ years ago. But God freed me from that obsession.  Now I have the same problem with food.  And I know the answer to my problem.  I'm just not willing to do it  - at least not a continual day-to-day basis.  I have a few good days or weeks then I kill it with a huge, usually fried, meal with a huge dessert!  And once I eat that dessert all my mind is thinking of is - MORE SUGAR PLEASE!!!  

At my weigh-in tomorrow morning I hope to be BACK to what I was two weeks ago.  A good weekend of eating compulsively and it takes me TWO WEEKS to get back to where I was.  Does that surprise me? Nope!  I do it all the time.  I let my guard down and just like it says above - I am unable, at certain times, to bring into my consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago.  I am without defense against the first compulsive bite! 

I do not remember the night I laid awake all night with a stomach ache from all the fried foods I ate.  I do not remember the ways I am swollen from all the salt.  I seem to forget how horrible I feel after eating fast foods on a regular basis. But AFTER I have eaten it and the guilt and pain sets it - then and only then - do I remember - oh yeah!  I might should not have done that!  But - too late.  

I know my solution is in God just as it was when I first started AA meetings. I learned about God in AA and about unconditional love and forgiveness.  I am fond of saying that "the AA meetings led me straight to the cross!"  Praise Jesus!

Because He loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him;  I will protect him, for He acknowledges my name.  He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him."  (Psalm 91:14-15)

I know my Jesus loves me and he doesn't desire to see me suffer.  The suffering I bring all on myself.  I MUST call on him more, as I did when I first got clean and sober!  Jesus must be my first thought as I fight this battle with my compulsive self.  

Only He can save me.  That much I do know!

MAKE it a great day my friends!

Betty

Day 55. Hanging in there.

Today is day 55 of when I started my healthy eating plan and I am only 6 pounds down ..but hey...that is 6 POUNDS!  It could be better no doubt but I am not going to beat myself up about it.  I will just do the next right thing, as my husband so lovingly likes to say.

I have been to the gym 4 days in a row - woohoo!  I have decided I would try to do at least an hour of some type of exercise every night.   Monday I ran on the treadmill, Tuesday I did the elliptical, Wednesday I ran on the treadmill and tonight I did the elliptical for 4.27 miles in 60 minutes and burned 569 calories!  Way to go!!  And of course I feel so great when I exercise - don't understand why I stop sometimes.

I have been counting calories as well.  Some days are good and some are bad but with the exercise I have been doing I have been consistently under my calorie budget. Today I even passed on donuts at work!   Major accomplishment!!!

I am proud of myself for being consistent for the past 4 days. That is one thing I have NEVER been able to do or lets say, I CHOSE not to do.

I also registered for the St. Jude Half Marathon tonight.  Man - I'm going all out huh! ! !   I missed the "regular" registration so I had to register as a "Hero" and I had to agree to raise at least $500 for ST. Jude.  I think running the half marathon BY MYSELF is going to be easier than raising this money.  I have never been good about asking people for money.  But lets just say this will be another fear I will walk through.  That is what we talked about tonight at Celebrate Recovery - walking through fear.  And I have done a lot of walking through fear in my lifetime - so why stop now? he he...

I am saddened that my mom will not be there as she has been with me both times when I did St. Jude.  It will be painful without her but I know she will be cheering for me from heaven.  What a seat she will have this year!!!  The best seat in the house.

I have not reported my weight lately and I will do that on Monday, my "official" weigh day.

It is getting late and I definitely need my beauty sleep, so I will close for now.  I hope all of you are doing well and making healthy choices along your journey - whatever that journey may be.  Just remember that you are not alone and together we can do this thing!

Thank you for reading and as always I am,
Making healthy choices -  one day at time,
Betty

Just do it and git er done!

I watched Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition tonight.  This episode really got me motivated.  I began to realize that I have been making excuses about not having time for exercise  but that is all it is - excuses.  This man on this episode, James, lost 300 pounds in a year.  Now, I'm not trying to lose 300 pounds and I don't need to lose it fast but - I do need to lose some. This gaining and losing the same 5-10 pounds is not getting me anywhere.   Yes, I have blogged about this before so I won't got into great detail about it again.  Just suffice to say that I really want THIS TIME to be it!

I have done well keeping off the 40 more or less pounds I have lost but I still have 50 more to go.  I am not making any headway at this rate.  I have been keeping up with my weight loss almost on a daily basis since 2005.  Here is the rundown:

2005 - lost 22 pounds
2006 - lost 16 pounds
2007 - lost 12.5 pounds
2008 - lost 6 pounds
2009 - lost 2 pounds
2010 - lost 23.8
2011 - lost 4. 9 so far

But I have gained some of that back by doing all this yo-yoing back and forth.  I know that this is a lifestyle change and I know I can do it but I am choosing not too on most days.  Why do I self sabotage my progress?  I won't go into all the psychobabble about that but I will say that I am re-committing myself to this plan.  I know what to do, I just need to do it.  In fact - I am going to go to bed earlier than usual so I can get up and run in the morning. Will be my first run in about 6 weeks!  well, outside anyway. I have been on the treadmill one time.  I have everything I need all laid out, I am off work tomorrow so I have no excuse.  To heck with what people think about me running.  If that 400 pound man can get out there and run, this 200 pound woman can too!  Besides, all that mumbo jumbo about caring what others think of me while I am running is just that - mumbo jumbo!  It's all in my head anyway.  I am not that important, that anyone would pause to give me a second look, much less a thought, when they see me running anyway.  They barely look my way twice.

When James, the man in the weight loss show, got back home, his entertainment center was gone - no tv and no video games.  They were replaced by exercise equipment.  It was then that I realized how much precious time I spend in front of the tv watching things I recorded earlier when I could be exercising.  I was thinking, I stay up too late to get up early to exercise. Why??  Because I am sitting on my duff watching tv.  duh!!!  This has to stop.  I have begun to ask myself - will this help or hinder my weight loss?"  That is how I will make my decisions from now on.  I am a  medical transcriptionist and I type all day long at my job and then type for my second job when I get home.  If I could lose weight by exercising my fingers I would be plum skinny!!!  But all that sitting down is not good for me.  So the more I can move at home the better it will be.

I have a quote in front of me right now and it says, "Every food choice we make either moves us closer to, or away from, our weight loss goals."  How true is that!!!  That should be my mantra.  Ok, now maybe I'm rambling.

I don't know much, but one thing I do know - quitters never win!  So I will continue on this journey every day until I get it done.  It might take me a while, but I will git er done!!!

Thanks for reading friends and have a great night.  I am going to git er done!! How about you?
Betty

Day 5, OA, going strong

I am so motivated! Been reading Sean's blog, listening to Big Book study by OA member and thinking positive. And I was just thinking "i HOPE this continues" and as I said it, I realized, this can continue-it's all up to me and my HP of course. I can choose to keep doing what works or I can go back to what I know DOESN'T work and keep doing the same old thing, hoping for something different to happen. I should know by now-it ain't gonna happen! I am going to do this-one day at a time.

If you read this, how about responding with what motivates you?

Have a great night friends,
Betty

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Three miles and no walk breaks!

I am too thrilled with myself.  Yesterday I ran (on the TM) for 3 miles without having to take a walk break.  Wish I could do that outside but that will come in time, if I keep working at it!  It felt so good.  There was no time when I felt like stopping.  I felt so strong!  It felt so good I might do it again today! 

I remember when I first started trying to run, I could only do about 5 minutes on the TM.  5 MINUTES PEOPLE!  Wow!  I have come a long way! 

I have also lost 10 pounds this month.  I have made up my mind that I CAN DO THIS!   I can't get faster in my running with this extra weight on me.  I am determined to lose all the weight I need, to continue running and racing and be the healthy woman God intended me to be.   I have planned on a 2 pound per week weight loss, so we will see how that goes.  If I do that I will be at goal in September of THIS YEAR!  But I have to remembe that losing weight is not my problem - keeping it off is the problem!  I plan on doing that as well!  Getting it off and KEEPING IT OFF!  Yea baby!  I can do this.  

Thanks to all my friends who encourage me every day!  And remember - if I can do you - YOU CAN DO IT TOO!  My motto is "never ever give up" so I just keep on "keeping on" taking it one day at a time.  And I take it one mile at a time.  When I ran my longest run to date, 14 miles, in preparation for the half marathon, I would run one mile at time.  I did not think, oh my gosh, I have 10 more miles to go, I would think, I have 1 mile to go.  A mile is about 15 minutes for me so I knew I could continue for 15 more minutes.  And so....each 1 mile added up to 14! 

I must be getting faster.  My garmin said I ran a 13 minute mile in my last race.  Best yet!  I'll take that. 

MAKE it a great friends!

What I did after C25K (November 3, 2009)

Tuesday, November 03, 2009 Someone asked what I did after my C25K. I had joined the Y and was doing the C25K on the treadmill there. I saw an advertisement at the Y that offered a class that would "teach" me to run using the Jeff Galloway Training Clinic. I had seen that same advertisement a year or so ago but was too scared to go. This time I went. I joined the group and we began meeting for runs on the weekend and also getting "assignments" for what to do during the week plus lots of motivation and running tips from our fearless leader, Phillip. I was hooked from the get-go!! I was at first really self consciousness about my weight and how I looked when I ran but I am slowly getting over that. I still find it hard to run in broad daylight some afternoons even though I need to because I have an even harder time getting up to run in the morning time! But I made a decision that I would not quit no matter what and so far I haven't. I trained for the YMCA Cotton Classic 5k walk/10K run and when time came for the race I chickened out on the 10K and did the 5K walk. But that was a learning experience in itself. So many walkers were running. I was told if I was a walker I could not run but if I was a runner I could walk so I had wished I had signed up for the 10K but again fear got the best of me. So here I am 9 months later, after doing 5Ks, one 10K and, believe it or not, I am signed up for the ST. Jude Memphis Half Marathon on December 5th. (I can't hardly believe it either!) But I am having the time of my life. I have not lost any weight since I started running which was surprising to me at first but I never changed my eating habits either. I am having a hard time learning how to eat in order to run well but at the same time eating in order to lose some weight. So I have decided after the St. Jude Half I will concentrate on my weight loss and participate in a few races along the way but nothing major. I watched the New York Marathon and it really got me excited. I began to think I would like to do the New York Half. I really would. Maybe that will be a goal for me in the future. The problem would not be running the half but getting the funds to get me to New York in the first place. I have always wanted to visit there. But I will keep that in the back of my mind for now. I won't count it out! If your YMCA offers the Galloway Training Clinic you should check it out. I absolutely love it. I know I would not be where I am today without it (Thanks to our fearless leader, Phillip, as well). I never knew you could run/walk if you needed to. As long as I can do that I am okay. One day I want to be able to just run mainly but I will work on that when I have lost more weight. In the meantime, I may still be overweight but I feel better than I have in years. And I know if I keep it up, the weight will come off...just like everything else in my life....ONE DAY AT A TIME!