Carb addict!

Weight today - yeh, lets just get the bad out there first!!! ha ha!!!

206 pounds!

But....Yesterday was a good day and today was a good day.  I just left the OA meeting and I feel better.  We are listening to a big book study and the guy doing it is in OA and relates everything to food.  Boy, do I get it!  I just need to listen to him 24/7 and maybe it will stick in my thick skull.

I have been sober 22 years and God has removed the craving I had for alcohol and drugs.  Now I need him to do it for the carbs and sweets.  In the big book study he talks about having an addition to carbs and I believe a person can have that.  I think I do!  The more I eat them, the more I want them!  There is no "I'll just have one" when it comes to pizza, donuts, fast food etc.  If I eat at a fast food place for lunch I will want to eat there for supper and every day thereafter.  I do believe it sets up a craving in me just like when I had the problem with alcohol. And the only way to stop a craving is to never start one!  I always heard in AA that it is not the 100th drink that gets you - it's the first one and today I understand that.  If I never have the 1st one - then I don't have to have the 2nd, and the 3rd and so on.  Its the same way for me with the carbs and sweets.  If I can just refrain from having that 1st one, that is where my problem lies. I lie to myself and say I will only have 1 but I don't ever have 1 of anything!  My mentality has always been - if 1 is good, then 2 or more is better!  And that gets me into a lot of trouble most times.  I truly understand this but have yet to be able to live it out.  There are days when I can have "just 1"  and it may take a while but eventually I will end up on a day when 1 just isn't enough and I will eat till I am sick.  

This .....has.....to .....stop!

So, I am proud of my two good days and I hope to have a few more good days, one day at a time.  

Make it a great evening friends.

one day.....maybe...I just might want this thing!

I'm training for st Jude again and once again I can understand why I need to lose weight.  I know I need to and I want to, I guess, but if there is anything such as willpower, then I have none. 😞 

I started back to OA meetings again.  Then,  first thing this morning the kitchen at work is full of temptations!  I can't get around them! They are everywhere!  Once again I have to ask myself, how bad do I want it???  Obviously not bad enough!  

So today I am starting back with no diet cokes, eating healthier, more water etc. 

I saw this once-if you're tired of starting over, then stop quitting. That is my life in a nutshell!  I start out good and it only lasts a little while. 

I am hoping my blogging again, talking to others, meetings, working 12 steps etc will stick this time.  I am hoping one day I will want to be healthy and a normal weight more than I want that chocolate ______fill in the blank! 

Have a blessed day friends.  😄

today sucked!!!!

Today sucked! It really did. I got my feelings hurt!  I hate tattletales, especially ones you think are your friends.  Jealousy is a cruel devil and it will strike when (and where) you lest expect it!!  So I guess I will just do my job and not worry about making friends. 

I weighed today and it was so bad, I don'r remember what it was. It was around 206 I think!!!!  I am so disgusted with myself.  I can't keep a good think going for nothing!!!!!  I am still running but the weight is just not coming off.  I am thinking about trying juicing for a few days and see how that works.  I bought a juicer and I tried a few recipes and they tasted okay.

I am on a different antidepressant - Effexor - and it is making me sick to my stomach every time I take it.  I will have to change it I suppose.  I think sometimes I need to stop all meds and start over and see what happens.

I have not been going to OA meetings or any meetings on a regular basis. Our OA only has 1-2 people that show up and there is not much recovery there and I find it turns into a "how my day went" meeting instead of what I feel like it needs to be. But I may keep going.  I haven't really decided yet what I need to do.

I guess when the pain of being overweight gets to really bother me, I might, just might, do something about it. If I had the time I would check myself into Shades of Hope but I don't have the time off from work. Some days I wish I could just crawl under the covers and stay there.  But that wouldn't be much of a life now would it?

This is how I feel some days:

But on the other hand .... I just ordered my first Iphone and can't wait to get it so I can play with it.  I have a galaxy but after a swim in the toilet, it doesn't work very well so I decided to go with the Iphone so I can facetalk with my grandson who doesn't live nearby.    Yay!!!

MAKE it a great day friends, 

Betty 

18 pounds lost. Yep. There's a healthy lady in me and she is coming out!

I have lost 18 pounds so far.  I know there is a "healthy" woman in me and she is going to come out!!!!!!!!!!

 Ya!! Go me!!!!

ONE MORE HEALTHY DAY!!

I am going to be weighing in on Mondays. I did not lose any weight last week but I have really been watching what I eat this week and trying to exercise every day.  Hopefully this Monday will show a loss.  Maybe I won't blow it on the weekend again!  I am really trying hard this time.

The OA meeting was great. There were only four of us there but that was fine. We listened to an interview of a fellow OA member.  We have a small group and not much abstinence so we find it nice to listen to someone who is actually living and working the program.  The speaker said a lot of things that I could relate to.  I have found several podcasts for OA on Itunes so I have downloaded several of them to listen to.   That will help I am sure.

I am trying to eat 3 meals a day with not as many snacks.  I find that when I eat 3 meals and 3 snacks it is like I am eating all day long and I focus only on the food. I have got to learn to sit still and not focus so much on food.  My job has changed a little at work as well so I find that as long as I stay busy I don't go to the kitchen as much.  I think some of my eating is out of boredom.  Not that I don't have plenty of work to do, because I do, but sometimes doing the same thing over and over gets boring and I find myself thinking of hunting for something to eat just to be doing something different.  So I have got to stop that.

It is almost bedtime so I am going to take a long hot bath since I just got off the dreadmill treadmill and maybe I can get some sleep!

I hope everyone had a HEALTHY day today and is planning to have one tomorrow as well.  I am!

I put my hand in yours, and together we can do what we could never do alone.

Betty

FOR TODAY DAILY READING

I can hold onto fear that serves the purpose of keeping my compulsion alive, or i can turn over my life-one moment at a time- over to my higher power.

My fears may not make the headlines or be a threat to others, but compulsive overeating is a killing disease--slow, patient, agonizing.

I can find instructions for dealing with my fears in the 12 steps.  i can read AA or OA literature.

I know the steps work.   I just have to WORK THEM!!!!

Make it a great day!

weight today - 212.6 down from 215.

Woohoo! I lost weight this week! How freakingly awesome is that!!!!!!!  Now i just need to keep it up.

Found a coworker who seems to be as committed as me about staying in shape!  We are planning on walking every evening after work!  Did over 4 miles today!  Im excited!!

MAKE it a healthy day friends!
Betty

I REFUSE TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF

I am having a hard time.  My eating is badly out of control and I feel helpless to stop it.  But I know that is not true. I see people who are being successful at weight loss and I feel sorry for myself.  But.....it's no one's fault but my own.  They can't lose it for me.  Only I can do it.  That much I do know.  

But I refuse to give up.  Simply put - when I give up, I gain weight.  And I have given up.  Since Christmas I have been eating anything I wanted with only a few days of healthy eating.  I have gained 20 pounds.  And I have a half marathon THIS SATURDAY.   

IT IS NOT GOING TO BE PRETTY!  

But I will finish and and I will do something about this uncontrolled eating.  Starting tomorrow.  I have done everything I know to do in the past:  

1. Gotten accountability. 

2. Rid my house of junk food.

3. Got rid of all "big" clothes. 

4. Weigh every day or don't weigh every day.  

5. Eat no sugar, eat some sugar etc...

6. Eat more protein.  

7. Eat less protein...

Well, you get the idea.   Here I am whining again about how I can't lose weight.  Poor pitiful me.  And that attitude has gotten me NO WHERE!!! EXCEPT FATTER!!!!! 

So, once again I plan to start over. But I am tried of starting over.  Maybe this will be my last time to start over.  I can't keep using my compulsive overeating husband as an excuse for my weight gain.  I should be setting a better example for him and maybe he will join me.  I have 1,000 excuses why I'm not losing weight but the real reason is - I eat too much.  There!!!  I said it - I EAT TOO MUCH!!!!!

I am going to PRAY for better control this week, LOG my food, go to my OA MEETING.  Yes, it's a pain sometimes most of the time to do what I know I need to do. 

So, I can either stay miserable or work hard to be fit and healthy.  The choice is mine but I must be willing to live with the choice I make.

I HEAR THE ROAD CALLING MY NAME

 I hear the road calling my name.  I called my running/walking buddies and we are meeting in the morning for a 3 mile run/walk.  My first run outside in 3 weeks!!!

I am going to get back at it (again).  I have been on "break" long enough!! ha ha...

Well, kick my behind!

Today started out a good day but ended up pretty much as it has been by nightfall.  I did good until I came home and found the left over pizza in the fridge.   I knew not to eat it but I did it anyway.  I get so mad at myself these days.

I have committed to writing everything down that I eat but when I overeat I just say, "the heck with it"  and just don't write any more of it down.  I feel like just putting a total of 1 billion calories and call it a day!!!!!!

EXERCISE TODAY:  None to speak of.  I have good intentions but don't quite make it; at least I haven't in a few weeks. This half marathon coming up on April 6th is going to KICK MY BEHIND!!!  

But I can always walk it if I have too.  The idea is to just finish!!!  And finish I will!

Make it a great day friends.

Betty

MY OBESE LIFESTYLE IS BACK!

The above picture is an example of my lifestyle since Christmas.  I started eating and have not been able to stop.  An addiction is an addiction no matter what I am addicted to.  It seems SUGAR and FRIED FOODS are the culprits that are keeping me miserable these days.  Not that I did not know it would happen.  I have first hand experience of what will happen when you take that "first one".  If I take the first one, there will always be a second one and a third, etc, etc, and on and on.  Well, you get the idea.   

And along with my overeating comes the weight gain and then I don't feel like exercising.  I get the lazy syndrome which means more couch time and less gym time. And to top that off - I have a half marathon IN TWO WEEKS!  I have not ran but one time in the last two weeks.   

Well, that is my story and unfortunately I have to stick with it!  The truth is the truth, no matter how hard I try to twist it!  

I went to an OA meeting today and it was just what I needed.  But meetings won't save me and starving won't save me and diet pills won't save me.  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that "I have a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition"  and my spiritual condition is not the best right now.  And it has not been for a long time.  We have joined a new church and I feel the fire growing in me again and I am excited about getting involved with all the people there.  It has been awesome so far!!  

I have a daunting task ahead of me and one that I don't want to do.  I want to take the easy way out - like I have always done in the past.  But the easy way out won't get me anywhere with this weight.  I want to be healthy and have a healthy body.  I'm not taking about skinny - I'm talking about HEALTHY!  And I know it is up to me and no one else.  

Not to lay the blame where it shouldn't be, but I could not live with a drunk if I was trying to stay sober, but I AM having to live with a compulsive over eater and I am trying to NOT eat compulsively.  That sucks!  But I can't blame him.  I am responsible for my life and how it turns out.  It may not be his fault but it does make it harder for me.  I will have to accept that and take responsibility for myself.  If I want it, I can have it.  But just how bad do I want it?  I will have to think about that.......

Speaking of my spiritual condition, I think I will go read the Bible for a while before I go to bed.  I do believe that is a step in the right direction!  

Take care friends.