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Saturday, January 07, 2006
Obsessive and compulsive!
Today is Saturday and I was so tempted to skip my treadmill today. I usually do it at 4:30 in the afternoon right after work but today I did it this morning. I put on my wiped and some Madonna (she is great to exercise to!) and go for it. But I find that in my mind I have a goal I want to make and I won't stop till I meet that goal. I find myself thinking that I MUST do it every day or I am a failure. I MUST burn a certain amount of calories or I am a failure! I MUST, I MUST, I MUST! I think that is what keeps me from making this a habit. I set goals for myself and when I don't meet those goals I give up. Shouldn't I be happy that I am on the treadmill in the first place? I figure ANY exercise and/or weight loss is good for me but I torture myself because I don't work off a certain amount of calories or walk a certain length of time. While I am on the treadmill I can't seem to relax. I am constantly thinking about making my "quota" of time and/or calories. I keep telling myself to relax and enjoy it. It does not really matter if I only do 20 minutes today and 40 tomorrow.
I really want to run but at 215 pounds that is kind of hard so I have been trying to run every 2 minutes and walk every 3 minutes. Today I was only able to run for 2 minutes and only 1 time. And my mind said, "forget it...You can't do this!" But I did walk for the rest of the time and I did 40 minutes. It's like everyday I want to up the time. I have never done 20 minutes for week then 30 minutes for a week and up to 40 and so on. I start out big and then when I can't keep up with myself, I quit! I am so impatient to lose this weight and I know that it will not come off quick and I should not want it to but I do! I know that I have to do this for the rest of my life and when I think of that - that sucks!! So I tell myself I will do this just today and tomorrow I may do it again. And God help me if I skip a day!!!! I really want to quit then. I get so compulsive that if something happens and I can't exercise when I really want to I get mad and disgusted at myself. God!!! When I am going to stop beating myself up about this. I could do this forever if I could just relax and enjoy it and not be so compulsive about it. That is something I should work on! :)
My husband has been out of town and I have had freedom to do as I please. When he is here we fusses about what I eat and don't eat. He hates it when I get on the treadmill because it makes so much noise but I have it out in the family room and I shut the door so he can hear his precious little TV! (talk about compulsive)!! And if he loses that remote one more time I am going to bury it somewhere and make him get up to change the channels! I sometimes wonder if, because he is obese, does he not like it because I am trying to get healthy finally? I have tried to get him to walk with me and eat healthier with me but no sir, he won't do it! We were walking till it got cold and I suggested we walk in the mall but he said no so it is back to my trusty treadmill, which I love anyway! To give him a little slack, he did get hemorrhoids and could not walk for a while (ouch!) but when they went away he would not start back walking again. I have decided to go this alone and let him stay obese if that is what he chooses. But I know it would be so much easier if he would do it with me. For instance, right now in the kitchen are two big bags of chips left over from our New Years party. I would like to just throw them out so I will not be tempted but he would have fit!! He can sit down and eat the whole bag! But I did do something the other night....A friend at a meeting had two pieces of pie left over and he sent it to my husband, who was still out of town. I looked at those pieces and I really wanted both of them so bad! Each piece had 410 calories. And I was going to save them for him but I took one bite and then threw the rest away. He will never know! It is so hard to keep a healthy kitchen when he eats like he does but I will make the best of it. I have got to do this for myself - not for anyone else. And what he does is on him.
I am almost 50 years old and have been obese most of my life. I really want grandchildren one day and I want to be able to play with them and run and do things. And my son is getting married in April and I want to lose a little for his wedding also. This is probably the hardest thing I ever done. Even harder than stopping the alcohol and drugs. If I could just abstain from food like I do the other, it would be a breeze but that is not possible. We have to eat to live! Well, I have cooled down from my workout and I really need to get up and moving. I have a few errands to run. My husband is coming home today and I am excited. I don't like it here by myself for very long. A day or two is okay. Hopefully I can post every day, I am certainly going to try.
Today so far I have had some grits and toast and I have had 6 glasses of water. I did not get up until 10:00 so I don't know if I am going to count that food as breakfast or lunch. Catch you later.
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