Carb addict!

Weight today - yeh, lets just get the bad out there first!!! ha ha!!!

206 pounds!

But....Yesterday was a good day and today was a good day.  I just left the OA meeting and I feel better.  We are listening to a big book study and the guy doing it is in OA and relates everything to food.  Boy, do I get it!  I just need to listen to him 24/7 and maybe it will stick in my thick skull.

I have been sober 22 years and God has removed the craving I had for alcohol and drugs.  Now I need him to do it for the carbs and sweets.  In the big book study he talks about having an addition to carbs and I believe a person can have that.  I think I do!  The more I eat them, the more I want them!  There is no "I'll just have one" when it comes to pizza, donuts, fast food etc.  If I eat at a fast food place for lunch I will want to eat there for supper and every day thereafter.  I do believe it sets up a craving in me just like when I had the problem with alcohol. And the only way to stop a craving is to never start one!  I always heard in AA that it is not the 100th drink that gets you - it's the first one and today I understand that.  If I never have the 1st one - then I don't have to have the 2nd, and the 3rd and so on.  Its the same way for me with the carbs and sweets.  If I can just refrain from having that 1st one, that is where my problem lies. I lie to myself and say I will only have 1 but I don't ever have 1 of anything!  My mentality has always been - if 1 is good, then 2 or more is better!  And that gets me into a lot of trouble most times.  I truly understand this but have yet to be able to live it out.  There are days when I can have "just 1"  and it may take a while but eventually I will end up on a day when 1 just isn't enough and I will eat till I am sick.  

This .....has.....to .....stop!

So, I am proud of my two good days and I hope to have a few more good days, one day at a time.  

Make it a great evening friends.

ONE MORE HEALTHY DAY!!

I am going to be weighing in on Mondays. I did not lose any weight last week but I have really been watching what I eat this week and trying to exercise every day.  Hopefully this Monday will show a loss.  Maybe I won't blow it on the weekend again!  I am really trying hard this time.

The OA meeting was great. There were only four of us there but that was fine. We listened to an interview of a fellow OA member.  We have a small group and not much abstinence so we find it nice to listen to someone who is actually living and working the program.  The speaker said a lot of things that I could relate to.  I have found several podcasts for OA on Itunes so I have downloaded several of them to listen to.   That will help I am sure.

I am trying to eat 3 meals a day with not as many snacks.  I find that when I eat 3 meals and 3 snacks it is like I am eating all day long and I focus only on the food. I have got to learn to sit still and not focus so much on food.  My job has changed a little at work as well so I find that as long as I stay busy I don't go to the kitchen as much.  I think some of my eating is out of boredom.  Not that I don't have plenty of work to do, because I do, but sometimes doing the same thing over and over gets boring and I find myself thinking of hunting for something to eat just to be doing something different.  So I have got to stop that.

It is almost bedtime so I am going to take a long hot bath since I just got off the dreadmill treadmill and maybe I can get some sleep!

I hope everyone had a HEALTHY day today and is planning to have one tomorrow as well.  I am!

I put my hand in yours, and together we can do what we could never do alone.

Betty

FOR TODAY DAILY READING

I can hold onto fear that serves the purpose of keeping my compulsion alive, or i can turn over my life-one moment at a time- over to my higher power.

My fears may not make the headlines or be a threat to others, but compulsive overeating is a killing disease--slow, patient, agonizing.

I can find instructions for dealing with my fears in the 12 steps.  i can read AA or OA literature.

I know the steps work.   I just have to WORK THEM!!!!

Make it a great day!

Still here! St. Jude Half this Saturday

I am still here.  Just not happy with myself right now.  I have gained some weight and am finding it hard to lose.   I have been focusing on my running and maybe I need to focus on the weight loss.  The running is a lot harder when I gain weight of course.

I have my fourth St. Jude Half Marathon this Saturday and I hope it won't be too hard since I am a little heavier than before.  You would think with three HMs coming up I would be more health conscious but that is not what is happening I am afraid.  This compulsive overeating is about to get the best of me.  And it doesn't help that I live with a compulsive over eater  that is in severe denial as well!  But I can't blame him.  I make my own choices and I can chose to do right even when he doesn't.  So far that is NOT what I have done!!!

I can't seem to find any consistency with my healthy eating and my weight loss.  I do okay for a while then revert back to my unhealthy habits.  I don't know what I need to do.

• Get real?  
• Get serious?
• Get drunk???? (just kidding - not gonna throw away 21 years of sobriety over this food issue)

Sometimes life stinks and sometimes it is great!  I can't always have it perfect.  

• I have not been running much. 
• I have not been eating healthy.
• I have not been going to my OA meetings.
• I have not been going to my AA meetings.  

I have only been working, working, working.  And my job is sometimes very stressful!  Well, enough of the excuses.  I won't do anything about anything until I get sick and tired of being sick and tired.  That much I  know!!!

But I am EXCITED about my half marathon this Saturday.  My time will probably suck but I WILL FINISH. 

All I want to do is cross that finish line -  

1. Standing up
2. With a smile on my face
3. And wanting to do it all again!!!  

Until next time friends! 

Have a wonderful night!

No Mental Defense Against The First Bite

At a certain point in the drinking overeating of every alcoholic compulsive overeater, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking eating compulsively is of absolutely no avail. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected.

The fact is that most alcoholics compulsive overeaters, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink eating compulsively.  Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink compulsive bite. 

The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a first bite of that glass of beer binge food do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.

The alcoholic compulsive overeater may say to himself in the most casual way, "It won't burn me this time, so here's how!" Or perhaps he doesn't think at all. How often have some of us begun to drink eat in this nonchalant way, and after the third or fourth, pounded on the bar kitchen table or fast food counter and said to ourselves, "For God's sake, how did I ever get started again?" Only to have that thought supplanted by "Well, I'll stop with the sixth drink bite." Or "What's the use anyhow?"

When this sort of thinking is fully established in an individual with alcoholic compulsive overeating tendencies, he has probably placed himself beyond human aid, and unless locked up, may die or go permanently insane.  - from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous page 24.  

Say what????  

Yes, this is the way it was for me some 20+ years ago. But God freed me from that obsession.  Now I have the same problem with food.  And I know the answer to my problem.  I'm just not willing to do it  - at least not a continual day-to-day basis.  I have a few good days or weeks then I kill it with a huge, usually fried, meal with a huge dessert!  And once I eat that dessert all my mind is thinking of is - MORE SUGAR PLEASE!!!  

At my weigh-in tomorrow morning I hope to be BACK to what I was two weeks ago.  A good weekend of eating compulsively and it takes me TWO WEEKS to get back to where I was.  Does that surprise me? Nope!  I do it all the time.  I let my guard down and just like it says above - I am unable, at certain times, to bring into my consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago.  I am without defense against the first compulsive bite! 

I do not remember the night I laid awake all night with a stomach ache from all the fried foods I ate.  I do not remember the ways I am swollen from all the salt.  I seem to forget how horrible I feel after eating fast foods on a regular basis. But AFTER I have eaten it and the guilt and pain sets it - then and only then - do I remember - oh yeah!  I might should not have done that!  But - too late.  

I know my solution is in God just as it was when I first started AA meetings. I learned about God in AA and about unconditional love and forgiveness.  I am fond of saying that "the AA meetings led me straight to the cross!"  Praise Jesus!

Because He loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him;  I will protect him, for He acknowledges my name.  He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him."  (Psalm 91:14-15)

I know my Jesus loves me and he doesn't desire to see me suffer.  The suffering I bring all on myself.  I MUST call on him more, as I did when I first got clean and sober!  Jesus must be my first thought as I fight this battle with my compulsive self.  

Only He can save me.  That much I do know!

MAKE it a great day my friends!

Betty

My Drug of Choice and Starting Over



Why is it when I am upset the first thing I think about is hurting MYSELF! Before I got sober it was alcohol and drugs. Before that it was sex and relationships and finally after breaking free from all that – food became my drug of choice. Actually I believe food was my “drug of choice” long before the others, but with all the drugs and alcohol I was pouring into my body, the last thing I was worried about was how much food I was eating and my weight!


So with the help of an outpatient treatment program and many, many AA meetings and finally a relationship with a higher power named Jesus, I was able to kick most of those demons that were plaquing me. But food has been an issue from the day I was born. It is funny; when I look back on some old pictures I am not fat. I am not skinny but I am not fat either. I don’t know why I always thought I was fat when I was growing up. I remember seeing my mother take numerous diet aids and going to weight loss meetings of TOPS – Take Off Pounds Sensibly. She had these little square chewy things wrapped in foil that we were not supposed to eat. I believe they were called Aids. You were supposed to eat them before a meal and you would lose weight. Of course I ate them, I guess just because she said not to. They were terrible!

I don’t know if seeing her struggle with her weight made ME think I was fat or what! My mother was successful at the TOPS meetings and she actually won a trophy for her efforts. But the weight always came back on. My mother grew up on a farm and they ate very well. Of course I was exposed to that food also as a child. It was nothing to have the dinner table so full of food there was hardly room to eat at the table. There was usually two meats, and several vegetables and of course many desserts. I was in heaven. There is no telling how many calories I would consume on those days.

But I digress. Actually, the point I was getting to was how I still use food when I am upset. Yesterday was one of those days. It’s strange how I can be floating along with everything seeming to be fine and then bam!! A wrench gets thrown into the mix. The first thing my mind tells me is to eat something. And yes, the food does taste good and it makes me feel good - temporarily. Then the guilt sets in and I hate myself (one more time) and the vicious cycle starts all over again!! But today I won’t do that. I will NOT do that. I won’t!! I refuse to gain this weight back. I know that yesterday was not a total loss but I did not eat “good” foods for me. And I also did not allow the guilt to get to me. I won’t let anything stop me this time.      I . SIMPLY . WON’T.

At least today I recognize where my failures are, what I am doing wrong and how to stop the downfall before too much damage is done. And one good thing about living is that I can start over at anytime. Major always says, “as long as someone is breathing, there is always hope” - So today is a start-over day. I didn’t do too much damage yesterday but it was not my best day either.

So – here’s to starting over.

If you are starting over today, suck it up and move on. It is only a temporary setback. Get right back to doing what you know works!! That’s what I’m gonna do and I’ll let you know how it goes!

MAKE it a great day friends.



Betty

AMAZING THINGS CAN HAPPEN

Wow!  Yesterday was really great!  My stats were:

14,578 steps
20 floors climbed
6.81 miles traveled
2,243 calories burned
1,546 calories eaten

I have lost 5 pounds in the past month.  I know to some that will sound like a slow job but it's okay with me!  A loss is a loss!!  It is SO much better than a gain!!

My OA meeting was great.  There were only two of us there though. We read from the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous.  It's funny how you can read something that you have read before and see it in an entirely different way.  Cool!!

I have lost a total of 16 pounds this year.  For the first couple of months I was yo-yo-ing back and forth but I believe I have broken my plateau.  My workout tonight with trainer and friends was awesome!  We walked/ran/jumping jacked and steam engined our way through 2 miles.  It was hot but we did it!  We would walk a little bit and then run a short sprint for as fast as we could.  It was a heart pumping workout alright!!!!  In between the runs and walks we did jumping jacks, steam engines, get-ups, etc.  Tomorrow we are going to bring our mats and work out on our abs some.  My trainer likes to workout outdoors.  And that is fine with me.  The hotter it is, the more calories I can burn, and I might get a tan too.  Although  I do wear sunscreen. After our workout today I came home and cleaned out the pool, swept off the patio, since Major had mowed the yard and made a mess, but I didn't complain because every step was more calories burned.  I am learning to like NOT sitting on the couch and watching TV from when I get home from work till bedtime. I spend enough time sitting at my job all day and then my second job at home at night typing.  We will be working out tomorrow again in the park.

I am determined this time to really do this deal!!!  Nothing can stop me but me!!!  And this time I want to succeed.

MAKE it a great day friends, 

Betty 

Good days and bad and I'm not perfect.

Hey everybody! I had a not so good weekend but back on tract today. I ate out Sat. night and had meatballs and spaghetti AND dessert! The biggest problem with eating out for me is the sodium content! I can “gain” 5 pounds from eating out 1 time. I know it is just water weight from the sodium so I don’t let it get me down. And generally when I am not eating right, I am also not drinking enough water. I have found that water is a wonderful thing (even though I still don’t like it). If I drink a big glass before I eat, I will eat less. It makes me feel full. It also helps me with the swelling that I have from the too much sodium I usually get. I would love to say I drink around 8-10 glasses a day but that is not true. I generally do better during the week while at work. I have started drinking water when I eat out instead of a diet coke. I had a diet coke the other day, the first one in a long time, and it did not even taste good! I can’t say that I love water yet but I am learning to “like” it. Crystal Light has become my new BFF. I do drink a lot of crystal light! So that is better than no water at all. Not long ago the only water that touched my mouth was when I brushed my teeth.

I have not been able to blog every day. My life is just not that interesting. But I saw a picture that made me want to come here and blog today:

Thanks Motive Weight Website  for the pic today!!

I know that writing about my good days and bad days are helpful. I have diaries from way back that I have written in. It is interesting to go back and read them. One thing I need is accountability!! Knowing that people may read this blog helps me to stay honest. I only want to inspire others and hopefully I am able to do that. I know that my writing about the good AND bad will help others because we all have bad days. Every day is not good!

When I read about someone else’s day it helps me to realize that all is not lost. So I may have had a bad day! Just pick up and carry on. It’s not the end of the world. There used to be a time when a setback would keep me down and I would use that as an excuse to give up and succumb to the compulsive overeating monster!!! I would continue on that downward spiral until I had gained back all the weight PLUS some! Then would come the self-hatred and the loathing of myself, the depression and the negative self-talk. Today I don’t do that. I have become a much more positive person. I have realized that I am not and never will be perfect. I have also come to realize that I am not a quitter and having a bad day now and then will not stop me from reaching my goal. It may just take me longer but I WILL get there.

Yesterday was a good day. After the “not so good” weekend I picked back up yesterday with good eating habits and lots of water etc. Doing the things I know I should be doing. I worked out at the park with my friends and trainer. We ran/walked 3+ miles. It was nice. The weather was not too terribly hot as it was cloudy. At times there was a nice breeze blowing. It is so much fun to work out with friends and to be able to encourage them and have them encourage me. Before I know it, the time has past, the miles are done and we are finished! I have a hard time working out by myself. I will do it but it is so much more enjoyable to work out with friends.

Well, I guess I have rattled on enough for today. Oh….my Fitbit stats last week – pretty impressive. I forgot my Fitbit yesterday morning so my step count will be low for Monday but that’s ok. I know I was moving!

Week of June 11 – June 17
STEPS
Total: 56,655
Daily average steps: 8,094
Weekly best: 12, 920 steps

DISTANCE
Total distance: 24.05 miles
Daily average: 3.44
Weekly best: 5.33

FLOORS
Total floors climbed: 12
Daily average: 2
Weekly best: 11

CALORIES
Total calories burned: 13,949
Daily average: 1,993
Weekly best: 2,172

CALORIES IN VS OUT
Total in vs out: -3,001
Calories burned: 13,949
Calories eaten: 7,448 (this is not totally correct as some days I did not log ALL my food on My Fitness Pal  , which is a great website for keeping tract of calories by the way). 

WEIGHT
Lightest weight: 195.8
Heaviest weight: 196.4
Weight change: - 0.6 pounds

Most active day was Monday

Least active day was Sunday (looks like I need to move more on Sunday!!)

And this morning I started out with a 1 mile run on the home treadmill!  Yea me!!!  Have to pat myself on the back because I am NOT a morning person!!!

MAKE it a great day friends!!


~ Betty ~

Slowly but surely beats fast and furious...every time!

Slowly but surely…..hummm….I think I like fast and furious better! But that’s not the way of successful weight loss now is it?   I have lost 1,000’s of pounds but have not been very successful in keeping them off in the past.  I lost 60 pounds back in 2008 and gained back about 40 of that.  So I have been able to keep some of that weight from returning but now I am working on really getting down to my “goal weight”. 

Since the first of this year I have lost 14 pounds and since buying my Fitbit I have lost 7 of those pounds.  I want to say I am really determined this time but I have said that before ….and failed.  So I will just say that I am taking it “one day at a time” and that is all I can really handle anyway.  It is the same as with alcohol – I have a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition. Based on that, a few other things I have had to do, and the “one day at a time” philosophy I have been able to stay clean and sober for over 20 years.  Surely I can somehow incorporate that into my compulsive overeating and be successful at this as well.  I think what has helped me to keep some of this weight off was finally admitting that I AM  a compulsive overeater and that one bite of  whatever it may be will only set me on a downward spiral.  Just as sure as I can’t have 1 drink, there are some foods that I don’t need to have 1 of either.  I haven’t quite conquered that concept yet but I am working on it.  Overeaters anonymous meeting have greatly helped me to understand myself and my eating habits.  And it is great to be able to share how I feel with others who understand.  People who don’t struggle with this issue sometimes can’t quite grasp the concept of being a compulsive overeater.  And they even think the idea of meetings for such a problem is strange!  I have even had people laugh in my face and say, “they have meetings for that?”  But that is okay, to each his own. I know what works for me.  And like I have always heard, if it is working, why stop doing it!!

Reading about others who have been successful in this endeavor is always motivational for me. So I search the internet for others who have lost weight in a healthy way and are keeping it off.  One such person is here.  Check out his story.  It is awesome!   And his  book is great too!  He is also on facebook as well.  Just search for Sean Anderson.  

And as I have said so many times before though - I won’t quit.  I won’t give in.  I won’t!!  I just won’t!!  It may take me one year or several years to get this done but I will do it.  And if I can motivate others along their journey – then so much the better! 

MAKE it a great day friends!!

My Fitbit, running, and this and that

Here are my stats from my  FITBIT.  I have to admit that ever since getting this little gadget I have been moving more and getting in more steps. It is definitely a motivator for me. I love competing with my friends on the web site. And I love the fact that it syncs to my computer the moment I walk in the room. No buttons to push, nothing to enter on the Fitbit web site unless I just want to enter my food I ate. But I do that with the  my fitness pal web site and that syncs to my Fitbit account. So all I have to do is enter my food eaten and water, if you keep up with that, and everything else is done. Yea!! It’s a breeze. I have lost 6 pounds since getting it.

Steps 16,653
Distance 8.78
Floors: 1
Calories burned – 2,703
Calories eaten – 1,120
Water – 7 cups
Sedentary: 10 hrs 55 min; 63% of my day
Light Activity: 3 hr 41 min; 21% of my day
Fairly active: 1 hr 27 min; 8% of my day
Very active: 1 hr 14 min; 7% of my day

Yesterday was great! I went straight to the gym from work and got in 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 minutes on the elliptical. Exercise really does make me feel so much better. I wonder why it is so hard to get going some times when I know how great I will feel afterwards!!

My trainer and exercise buddy have been “missing in action” lately and I guess I will have to learn to go it alone. Hopefully this is only temporary.

In my running I have had to go it alone as well. There is almost no one that is as slow and as dedicated as me so I have no running buddies on a regular several time a week basis. I do have a great group of friends that run with me on most Saturdays when our running group meets but I would love someone who would like to run on a regular basis maybe 3 times a week or so. And when I talk “running” to some people they get all bent out of shape. When I say run, I mean run/walk. What I do – anyone can do. I don’t care how young, old, big or small you are. Although I can and have run without walking for up to 3 miles, I don’t usually do that unless I am on the treadmill. Running outside is so much harder than on the treadmill!! But I do whatever I feel like doing because after all – it is MY run. But I sure would love to have company. It is so much easier getting out the door when I know I have someone waiting on me who enjoys it like I do. Once I take that first step it gets better after that. But getting out the door sure is hard sometimes!

Growing up I was shy and quiet and scared of most people. It is hard to believe that today I am a “people” person. I love people, love being with people and love group things. A relationship with my Higher Power, whom I choose to call Jesus, is what changed all that. I do believe that without Him I would still be that shy, quiet, scared, lonely and depressed couch potato that I always was; wanting so badly to do things differently but so terribly scared to begin. My life is good today and will my continued healthy lifestyle I believe it will get even better.

MAKE it a great day friends and get up and MOVE!!

~ Betty ~

It Will All Be Worth It!

Was reading my last post titled "This OA way is working" and I realized that OA does work IF I WORK IT! And I have not been working it lately. I began working out with a trainer and was doing well but we had a 2 week hiatus and I let some old habits slip back in. What a minute - what am I saying??? I did not let anything "slip" in! I knew what I was doing when I was doing it! I wanted that food and I ate it. For a while my healthy eating plan went out the window and I ate all the things I said I wouldn't and all the things that are not good for me. I think it all started wtih some candy and went downhill from there. But irregardless of the reason I DO see the pattern and am putting a stop to it right here and now. A friend has recently started his weight loss journey and writing about it on his blog and he has inspired me to keep on keeping on. Yes, some days it is extremely hard and some days are easy but either way - IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT - that much I do know!

One Day At A Time? Why didn't I think of that before?

I have been doing really well with my eating.   I have been exercising regularly and have cut out fried foods for a while. They tend to not agree with me.  I have been cutting down on the sweets too.  I have the mid set of "one day at a time" instead of  "poor me! I can never have that again!"  I am choosing to not eat some things because they are not healthy for me but I can eat it if I want too.  Today - I did not want too.  After reading   Sean's Book - My Trip to Over 500 Pounds and Back I realized that food was not the enemy. I was my worst enemy.  God made us to need food and it is my fault if I abuse that.

I have been going to OA for over a year and would have a good weeks but never anything longstanding.  Why did it take that long to realize that I could treat my addiction to food just like I did my addition to drugs and alcohol?  I could drink alcohol today, if I chose too, but one day at a time, for over 20 years, I have chosen not too - because I know what will happen if I do.

The same with food - I know what certain foods will do to me and if I never put them in my mouth, I never have to go through the withdrawals again.  I did the same thing with nicotine.  I quit cold turkey because I knew just one cigarette would put that nicotine right back into my system and I would have to go through the nicotine withdrawal all over again.  Was it easy?  Not on your life,  But it was so worth it!!!!

So, one day at a time, I will choose to not eat certain foods because I know what the outcome will be. And if I feel like I am losing the fight - I will just pick up Sean's book and start re-reading it (because I keep it close by) and I'm sure that will keep me on the straight and narrow!

Take at look at what I chose not to eat today....because I knew "just one" would not be enough and I would go back for more.  So if I don't start with the first one I don't ever have to have the second one...and the third...and the 100th one!!! And, sadly it is like this almost every day at work...~sigh~

But I can do this thing - and SO CAN YOU!!!!

Take care friends,
Betty

Made To Crave Book and ramblings.

I have found that blogging helps to keep me on track so I will try to do it daily (once again).

Today was great!  I have not eaten compulsively.  The thought did cross my mind but I did not give in.  I had my breakfast, my 10 am snack, lunch, 3 pm snack, dinner, and am about to have a pm snack after I finish here.  My calorie goal for today was 1360 and I have eaten 1240 so that is pretty good. And I don't feel hungry either.   There was no food brought to the office today, thank goodness!

OA meeting was good too.  We have been listening to an OA Big Book Study. We are starting to talk about step 4.  I always feel better after a meeting!  I feel more confident and I really believe I can do do this thing.

I read a book a while back called Made to Crave:  Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food by Lysa Terkeurst.



It was a very good book but I read it and laid it aside without much thought. I believe I need to read it again and really put my mind to studying it this time.  There are some profound statements in there such as:

"We have to see the purpose of our struggle with food as something more than getting to wear smaller sizes and receiving compliments.  SHALLOW DESIRES PRODUCE SHALLOW EFFORTS.  These good things are nice, but not as appealing in the moment as a cinnamon roll, or those chips, or that brownie.  The process of getting healthy has to be about more than just losing weight and focusing on ourselves.  It's not about adjusting our diets and hoping for good physical results.  It's about re-calibrating our souls so that we want to change for the right reasons."

Wow!! That says a lot people!  I really get that "shallow desires produce shallow efforts" and my efforts have been pretty shallow here lately.  That is something I am going to ponder on.  I believe I shall read this book again and I mean really read it this time!

Have a great night my friends!
Betty

Day 34 - This is for real this time!

I know my blog is probably kind of boring compared to others but that's okay.  I am writing for me and my sanity..ha ha!

I made good choices today and am pleased with myself.

Here is a quote from a blog that I am reading from a man who went from 505 to  230.

If you go through the motions, you can lose weight for sure. But if you don't learn about yourself and how to properly handle food and exercise, then you run the risk of gaining it back ~  Sean Anderson

Having lost and re-gained probably 1,000 pounds I can certainty agree with his statement.   I am done a lot of sole searching during my 20 years of being in active recovery and I have learned a lot.  I know I have issues and I have worked on a lot of them over the past 20 years.  I can see how my "thinking" got me into trouble lots of times.  My addiction to alcohol and drugs is no different than my food addiction.  I don't know that I am "addicted" to food but I do believe I am a compulsive overeater.   There are certain foods that, when I start to eat them, I can't stop till I am almost exploding.  I truly believe that if I had not been going on diet and diet for many years I would probably be 500 pounds by now.  My highest weight was 238 and that was almost unbearable for me.  I had consequences and those consequences made me want to change.  Not because of something anybody else said or did but because I WANTED TO CHANGE.  I am doing this healthy eating plan to feel better and look better and to hopefully live long enough to enjoy my grandchildren for a while.   Losing weight is just the icing on the cake!!!

I don't like to use the word "diet" because it makes me feel deprived.  My mind is such that if I think I can't have it, I want it more so I tell myself - I can anything I want, within moderation of course, but do I really want it?  Instead of mindlessly eating I have begun to think about what I am about to put into my mouth.  Is it worth it?  Will it benefit me in any way with the healthy lifestyle I am trying to live?  Most times the answer is no so I don't eat it.  But sometimes, even I like to have a little something special.  So I might have a single small ice cream cone from McDonalds or a low fat smoothie.  I try to steer clear of the ice cream sundaes, banana splits, McFlurries, blizzards and such.  But, if I really wanted one, I would just work the calorie amount into my day.  Since there is a lot of calories in that kind of food, I would wind up eating less food than I could if I were to stick with other things but sometimes I just have to have it!  And I am losing weight!  I have found that I can eat most of what I would like and lose weight.  It is the amount of food that I put into my body and the type of food.  I have had to steer clear of the fried foods and the fast food joints unless I get a salad.  It seems that once I eat something fried from those places it only makes me want more.   The more I stay away from them the easier it is to continue to stay away.  But on occasion I will eat a happy meal when I really want to but I have to be in the frame of mind that this is a one-time deal and I will not eat another food like this for a while.  Eating three times a day at a fast food place (and sometimes more) got me to 238 pounds and I don't ever want to go back to that.   I know is may not be easy but I believe I AM WORTH IT!

In working the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous I have come to the place where I truly love myself and I know that I will mess up, like my stressful cookie day a few days back,  I don't let myself continue on a downward spiral.  I used to let one little mess up be a major downfall for me but not anymore.  I remind myself of where I have come from, where I am headed and why I want to go there.  That keeps me on track most of the time.  And of course, having friends who want to go there with me, and will hold me accountable is something I need as well.  So if you have posted a response to my blog - 304  for you have helped me more than you know.  And if you write a blog you have helped many others as well.  I can't possibly read all the blogs I would like to, but I try to read as much as I can from  others who are headed down the same path.   It gives me great encouragement and lets me know I am not alone on this journey.

So today is day 34 and I have lost 6 pounds since I started.  That is pretty good.  As long as i am headed in the right direction I am happy with that.   For so many years I have done  what I like to call the 2-step, 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  I don't want to take any more steps back but if I do, well, so be it.  I will just dust myself off and more forward.  After all, I have awesome friends like you who continue to lift me up - so if I fall, I won't stay down.  I am done staying down!!! This is for real this time!  

Have a great night friends.

This is for real this time,
Betty

Day 33 Another good day and question of the week.

Today was great.  I feel pumped since I lost weight this week!  I texted a few friends and committed to them that I would stick to my food plan today and I did!  I did not go over my calories.  Woohoo!  I went to my regular OA meeting, which was great and then I ran 2.5 miles on the treadmill at the gym.  Leaving the gym at 9 pm I had 600 calories I could still eat, so I choose to get a mango pineapple smoothie from McDonalds.  

That brings to mind a question I have been asking myself - how do you handle someone who is obviously obese and having health consequences but chooses not to change?  I know with an alcoholic or addict I would never go get them alcohol or drugs, so for a food addict - do I not go get them ice cream???  Sounds sensible to me.  Being a recovered addict I know I would find it hard to live with someone who is using. It's  the same with food. It is hard watching someone slowly destroy themselves.  But I have learned after 20 years of being in recovery that you can't help someone who doesn't want help - no matter what their issue is.  That is one thing I know for sure!  Well enough on that subject.

I have had a busy but productive day.  I made my OA meeting, got a chip for 30 days of abstinence, ran 2.5 miles on the treadmill  and was under my calorie goal. Sounds like a good day to me.  I hope you all had a good day as well.

Would love some feedback on my question. Thanks friends.

Day 9 - Fast food cravings.

Day 9 is ending and is has been another good day.  I ate healthy and I exercised tonight at the gym by running on the treadmill for 2.5 miles.  I had not done that in a while.  It felt GREAT!!!  I have missed my running.  According to my Bodybugg I burned 475 calories during that 2.5 mile run.  Awesome!

I realized tonight at my OA meeting that I have lied to you people!  Aren't 12 step meetings great for keeping us honest??? ha ha. But really - I said that my plan of eating was to eat anything I wanted within moderation but that is NOT true.  I have not been eating any FRIED foods.  I have come to believe that once I start eating them, I want them all the time so I have decided not to eat any.  I have not missed them yet-so far so good.  They always made me feel bad anyway and I know from my experience with alcohol and drugs that once I put something in me that I like way to much, I will crave that something over and over.  If I go to a fast food place for breakfast, I am more likely to go to one at lunch and dinner.  It always happens like that.  Once I start eating that junk, I can't seem to stop until I find myself sitting somewhere, with my stomach so full I can hardly move, wishing I could just throw up, mad at myself and so swollen the next morning and asking myself ONE MORE TIME, why? why did you do this yet again????  With alcohol if I never put that first drink  in my body, I won't crave the second one and the third one and so on.  I feel it is the same with fried foods for me.  And I guess I don't want any right now because I have gone without for 9 days. Seems like the craving has gone and I don't want it back anytime soon!!!

I am finding it hard to fit in my exercise since I am working two jobs but I am making the best of it.  I did not have to work my second job tonight so I was able to make it to the gym.  I grateful for that.

Well kiddos, it's getting late and I really need my  beauty rest, so I'm signing off for the night.

MAKE it a healthy day tomorrow,
Betty

Day 4.

Wow!  Day 4 of abstinence has been awesome.  It's like God has removed my obsession for the kinds of food I don't need.  I simply don't want them anymore.  I hope this feeling lasts ...and lasts....and lasts....like... for my whole lifetime!!  Woohoo!!   This is how I feel today!!!

Today started out kind of slippery because we had a major storm and our electricity was out at work.  My "mind" went to thinking and my first thought was, I can eat, but it wasn't time for my 10 am snack yet.  So I told myself, I said, "self, you do not need to eat right now.  Wait for your scheduled time, stick to your eating plan, you can do it!"  And it worked!  I have not overeaten today and I have not eating anything that I should not have.  

I went to my Celebrate Recovery meeting, which is a 12-step meeting for any and all kinds of addictions, hurts, habits and hangups, and when they were finished giving out chips, I though, I should have gotten a 24 hour chip for starting over so when the lesson was finished I asked for one and told everyone I was a compulsive overeater.  It feels good to acknowledge out loud what I struggle with.  Once I name it and claim it, I can do something about it.  And I plan to do just that.  One Day At A Time!

I am loving this bodybugg but sometimes I find it hard to believe the calories I am burning. Today I did not exercise.  I only did my usual things with maybe a bit more walking.  And my bodybugg says I burned 2,759 calories.  I must have been eating a lot to be gaining weight while burning that many calories.  But we will see if I lose weight.  I bet you I was eating 3,000 calories a day or more!!!

I am trying for at least a 500 calorie deficit each day so I should lose a pound a week.  I would love to lose it fast like the ones on my favorite show, The Biggest Loser,  but that is not possible and I know that.  Slow and steady will get me where I need and want to be.  And if have a little step back I will counteract that with 2 steps forward.

Today, I really believe I am going to do this.  And I pray this will be the last time!  I really feel I am ready and willing to do that it takes and as my husband says all the time, "time will tell".

At our Celebrate Recovery meeting we have pizza every Thursday night.  I have such as hard time not eating any of that.  But I made a plan to go to  Subway today
and eat healthy.  As I was checking out, I was eyeballing the cookies and looking for my favorite one.  I finally found it!  And I had a mental fight going on inside my head.  "I can eat just one cookie.  I have enough calories left, I can eat one. Ok, order one.  No!  Wait!  Do I really want to spend 350 calories on just ONE SINGLE COOKIE???  Heck NO!!"  So I did not order that cookie.  Did you hear me people???  I did NOT order that cookie.  A MAJOR victory for me.  It may sound small to some of you but it is a MAJOR victory for me.  I was pound of myself so I shared that little story with all my friends on facebook and my recovery friends and especially my friends at OA.  I want everyone to know  that they can do it too!  It is possible...it really is.  You just have to want it bad enough.  Today, I want it and I want it bad!  So here's to another day of abstinence!

Thank you Sean Anderson for your blog.  It has really inspired me!  If you can do it.....I can do it!!  Until tomorrow.....

MAKE it a great day my friends,
Betty

So I went into the kitchen at work, right?  Should have know better but since I am on "kitchen duty" for the entire month of May, I have to go in there on occasion as I have to clean the kitchen, make the morning coffee, start the dishwasher at day's end...etc....thank goodness there are enough people here that we only have this "duty" once a year or so.  I will be glad when mine is over!!! 

There were donuts there and a few other things.  I came out of that kitchen stuffed to the gill!!! I had no mental defense against it this morning.  Considering I missed my OA meeting last night, even for a good reason, I can understand why this happened.  I need a meeting once a day seems like.  That is what I did when I first got into recovery for my alcohol addiction and that worked really well for me.  But in all actualitym, I know what to do but once again I am CHOOSING  not to do it.  I really don't believe I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, or else I would stop this insanity!!!! I don't  know what it is going to take.  I guess being miserable doesn't feel so bad after all and if I wallow in it enough, it might even become comfortable...or maybe I am already there.  Maybe that is my problem.  Maybe I am comfortable being miserable.  I am been there off and on for my entire life. 

All I can say is, I won't give up, I won't quit.  I will perservere and strive to have good days as best I can. 

This food addiction or compulsive overeating, or whatever you want to call it, is extremely difficult to manage. I don't have to use drugs or alcohol to live every day but I HAVE to eat.  I can't completely abstain from food like I can other things.  That makes it very very hard!!!! 

I have also been working two jobs and have been extremely busy and have found myself not getting enough sleep and feeling stressed.  That is not good for recovery either. 

But enough complaining.  I am going to MAKE this a great day from this moment forward and start fresh!!!

Hope you all MAKE it a great day as well.  :)

Day 5, OA, going strong

I am so motivated! Been reading Sean's blog, listening to Big Book study by OA member and thinking positive. And I was just thinking "i HOPE this continues" and as I said it, I realized, this can continue-it's all up to me and my HP of course. I can choose to keep doing what works or I can go back to what I know DOESN'T work and keep doing the same old thing, hoping for something different to happen. I should know by now-it ain't gonna happen! I am going to do this-one day at a time.

If you read this, how about responding with what motivates you?

Have a great night friends,
Betty

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Reaching Out

Today was a milestone for me.

After being in OA for more than a year, I finally mustered up the courage to call someone!

I was headed for a local fast food joint and all the time thinking I don't need be doing this! So I called not one but 3 people! And I did not find it necessary to hit the drive through. I ate something better for me when I got home.

I am excited about it! I know the OA program works - I just have to work it!

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