I weighed today and it was so bad, I don'r remember what it was. It was around 206 I think!!!!  I am so disgusted with myself.  I can't keep a good think going for nothing!!!!!  I am still running but the weight is just not coming off.  I am thinking about trying juicing for a few days and see how that works.  I bought a juicer and I tried a few recipes and they tasted okay.

I am on a different antidepressant - Effexor - and it is making me sick to my stomach every time I take it.  I will have to change it I suppose.  I think sometimes I need to stop all meds and start over and see what happens.

I have not been going to OA meetings or any meetings on a regular basis. Our OA only has 1-2 people that show up and there is not much recovery there and I find it turns into a "how my day went" meeting instead of what I feel like it needs to be. But I may keep going.  I haven't really decided yet what I need to do.

I guess when the pain of being overweight gets to really bother me, I might, just might, do something about it. If I had the time I would check myself into Shades of Hope but I don't have the time off from work. Some days I wish I could just crawl under the covers and stay there.  But that wouldn't be much of a life now would it?

This is how I feel some days:

But on the other hand .... I just ordered my first Iphone and can't wait to get it so I can play with it.  I have a galaxy but after a swim in the toilet, it doesn't work very well so I decided to go with the Iphone so I can facetalk with my grandson who doesn't live nearby.    Yay!!!

MAKE it a great day friends, 

Betty 

Slowly but surely beats fast and furious...every time!

Slowly but surely…..hummm….I think I like fast and furious better! But that’s not the way of successful weight loss now is it?   I have lost 1,000’s of pounds but have not been very successful in keeping them off in the past.  I lost 60 pounds back in 2008 and gained back about 40 of that.  So I have been able to keep some of that weight from returning but now I am working on really getting down to my “goal weight”. 

Since the first of this year I have lost 14 pounds and since buying my Fitbit I have lost 7 of those pounds.  I want to say I am really determined this time but I have said that before ….and failed.  So I will just say that I am taking it “one day at a time” and that is all I can really handle anyway.  It is the same as with alcohol – I have a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition. Based on that, a few other things I have had to do, and the “one day at a time” philosophy I have been able to stay clean and sober for over 20 years.  Surely I can somehow incorporate that into my compulsive overeating and be successful at this as well.  I think what has helped me to keep some of this weight off was finally admitting that I AM  a compulsive overeater and that one bite of  whatever it may be will only set me on a downward spiral.  Just as sure as I can’t have 1 drink, there are some foods that I don’t need to have 1 of either.  I haven’t quite conquered that concept yet but I am working on it.  Overeaters anonymous meeting have greatly helped me to understand myself and my eating habits.  And it is great to be able to share how I feel with others who understand.  People who don’t struggle with this issue sometimes can’t quite grasp the concept of being a compulsive overeater.  And they even think the idea of meetings for such a problem is strange!  I have even had people laugh in my face and say, “they have meetings for that?”  But that is okay, to each his own. I know what works for me.  And like I have always heard, if it is working, why stop doing it!!

Reading about others who have been successful in this endeavor is always motivational for me. So I search the internet for others who have lost weight in a healthy way and are keeping it off.  One such person is here.  Check out his story.  It is awesome!   And his  book is great too!  He is also on facebook as well.  Just search for Sean Anderson.  

And as I have said so many times before though - I won’t quit.  I won’t give in.  I won’t!!  I just won’t!!  It may take me one year or several years to get this done but I will do it.  And if I can motivate others along their journey – then so much the better! 

MAKE it a great day friends!!

So I went into the kitchen at work, right?  Should have know better but since I am on "kitchen duty" for the entire month of May, I have to go in there on occasion as I have to clean the kitchen, make the morning coffee, start the dishwasher at day's end...etc....thank goodness there are enough people here that we only have this "duty" once a year or so.  I will be glad when mine is over!!! 

There were donuts there and a few other things.  I came out of that kitchen stuffed to the gill!!! I had no mental defense against it this morning.  Considering I missed my OA meeting last night, even for a good reason, I can understand why this happened.  I need a meeting once a day seems like.  That is what I did when I first got into recovery for my alcohol addiction and that worked really well for me.  But in all actualitym, I know what to do but once again I am CHOOSING  not to do it.  I really don't believe I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, or else I would stop this insanity!!!! I don't  know what it is going to take.  I guess being miserable doesn't feel so bad after all and if I wallow in it enough, it might even become comfortable...or maybe I am already there.  Maybe that is my problem.  Maybe I am comfortable being miserable.  I am been there off and on for my entire life. 

All I can say is, I won't give up, I won't quit.  I will perservere and strive to have good days as best I can. 

This food addiction or compulsive overeating, or whatever you want to call it, is extremely difficult to manage. I don't have to use drugs or alcohol to live every day but I HAVE to eat.  I can't completely abstain from food like I can other things.  That makes it very very hard!!!! 

I have also been working two jobs and have been extremely busy and have found myself not getting enough sleep and feeling stressed.  That is not good for recovery either. 

But enough complaining.  I am going to MAKE this a great day from this moment forward and start fresh!!!

Hope you all MAKE it a great day as well.  :)

May 12, 2009

1. Stayed within my calorie range.

2. Drank 14 glasses of water.  

3. Got in my 10 minutes of cardio, plus some, by climbing stairs at work.

 

4. Felt good about myself and my accomplishments. I would say I met all my goals for this day.

                                                       I am trying to take it one day at a time, as this is the only thing that works for me. For the past month I had been crazy, obsessive, and compulsive. I know  from experience that does not work but sometimes I just do things that I know don't work and who knows why??? But thank God I always fall back down to reality before much damage is done. After two recovery meeting in which I shared

                                                       what had been going on with me, I am a little more sane today.  

My husband's youngest daughter is having her first child next Monday. His oldest daughter had her first child, a son, last month. So we will be blessed with two grandchildren, one boy and one girl. I did really well while out of my comfort zone at the hospital when the first grandchild was born. I just hope I do as well this time. I will take healthy snacks, plan on making healthy choices, and if possible get in some walking while we wait on the baby to be born. In places and situations where I used to sit, I have started moving if at all possible. When our first grandchild was born I walked about 3 miles while waiting on the birth. This will be at the same hospital so I can do that again. No excuses!

I have 9 miles on schedule to run this Sat and my husband insists that I not do it alone since I had that asthma attack last time I ran the 10K. Linda has agreed to do 3 with me and possibly more. My half is in June. I may regret doing this one because of the heat and humidity down here (Mississippi) but I hope not. I have just decided to take it slow. I have a problem with wanting to do what the others are doing. Not only am I not physically able to do that, but I don't have to do that! I have to tell myself in almost every race...run your OWN race Betty.... Run your OWN race!

I really hate to run by myself so I may not do another half without someone who is going to do it with me so they can train with me. Patty was going to but she is having hip problems and is probably not going to be able to make this one. My son and DIL are running in it but they don't live here so I can't run with them. But I am signed up and I am finishing.

Hope you all have a great day!

I see I have two followers.  Thank you! 

I have changed my weigh-in day to Monday.  Yesterday when I weighed I had lost 6.5 pounds.  I know that will not be typical for me, after all I'm not on the biggest loser!  Some of that was fluid too.  I usually have a few pounds of fluid when I don't eat right.  So some of that was my short spell of disasterous eating over the holidays. 

I have planned for at least a 2 pound weight loss each week. I will be at goal by September 25th if I stick to that.  And stick to it I will!  (think positive, think positive, think positive! ) 

I have been encouraged my so many of the blogs I have been reading.  I wish I had time to read every single posting.  Try as I might I can't get to all of them.  There are just too many good ones out there!  I have ran twice this week for a total of 4 miles so far.  I was planning on doing 2 miles a day.  I have been running on my treadmill at home (not my favorite place to run) but it has been so cold outside these days.  I try to get to the Y when I can because I love to run on their treadmill.  Mine sounds like it is falling apart sometimes!  It is pretty old.  But I am going to run it into the ground! 

OA meeting is tonight and I am so excited.  I hope to have several friends there tonight.  I know OA will help me if I will just go and do what is suggested.  But I also want to encourage the other people there as well.  Some of the ladies were slacking on their exercise and when I mentioned to them that I had taking up running and had run a half marathon in December they said they were motivated to start back with their exercise.  How exciting!  That is what the meetings are all about - accountability and helping others. Sharing our experience, strength and hope with others who suffer from compulsive overeating.  What I have learned in AA is that in order for me to stay "well" I have to give back what I have been given.  So in sharing with others what has worked for me keeps me motivated. We help each other by giving and taking.  I think that is the main reason why the meetings work so well for us.  Only someone who struggles with what I struggle with can honestly understand what I have been going through.  Even my own husband, who is obese, does not understand my obsession with food and my struggle to conquer this obsession.  He is a recovering alcoholic also but he does not (or will not) see that he has a problem with food.  He knows it but doesn't want to look at it right now.  But I can't do it for him.  I can only focus on me today.  That is all I can handle anyway! 

It is a 24/7 job trying to stay abstient from food when food is everywhere!  I would have to go to certain places to see alcohol and/or drugs but food I can see anywhere, anytime!   Speaking of "seeing" food, I am so glad I decided to tape the programs I watch. I can fast forward through the commercials. Especially the FOOD COMMERCIALS.   Last night I realized just how many commercials are about food and what it does to me.  Man!  If I looked at a drink every couple of minutes I would probably want to drink!!  But I rarely think about alcohol or drugs anymore.  They never cross my mind.  When I first got into recovery that was all I thought about!  I know that being new in this recovery program from food, I will think about food a lot but with time it will get easier.  I just have to take it one day at a time.  I know that God will remove my obsession for overeating just like he did with alcohol and drugs.   I NEVER have to drink again unless I choose to but I do have to eat to survive.  That is why I think this addiction is harder than others.  But I intend to beat this one too.   With God on my side and the support of my many friends out there in cyberland and here at home I can't fail.  How cool is that? 

MAKE it a great day friends.

Why am I sitting her wanting something to eat? (November 3, 2009)

Tuesday, November 03, 2009 I have decided that if I have access to a computer at the time and I get this feeling, I will blog about it and maybe that will help me to figure out these feelings. Right now I am sitting her with a strong craving for something to eat. No - I am not hungry. I am tired though. I have had a headache most of the morning and I have been hurting all over since stopping the Mobic. I know there are cupcakes right down the hall in the kitchen and I am trying so hard not to to get one. When I looked at them, I said to myself, "if I eat that, will it help or hurt my chances to compete in the New York Half Marathon?" Of course the answer was hurt and NOT help. Sometimes I think maybe I am thirsty and that is why I long for something to ....I don't know.....put in my mouth, chew on, swallow....I don't know what it is that I want. I can't figure it out. What makes me have this feeling...wait...is it maybe my blood sugar? Could that be what makes me feel like I need "something" or I will absolutely DIE if I don't get it! And that is exactly how I feel and I am trying so hard not to succumb to this feeling. It is a hard struggle. It is almost like the craving I used to have when I first stopped using drugs and alcohol. But I got through that - one day at a time - praise God! I just figured that if I could write down how I was feeling and put on paper all these thoughts that are in my head, maybe it would keep me from eating what I don't need (but what my brain thinks I will die if I don't get !) I think I will just get up and get some more water to drink. That will probably help. It surely couldn't hurt. ----but I won't get it from the kitchen where the cupcakes are sitting quietly for everyone else, but to me they are SCREAMING my name! I won't listen to the siren of the seductress. I won't! Get that water girl and get it now!!

My group run today. (September 26, 2009)

Saturday, September 26, 2009 We were scheduled to run 8 miles today but I believe we only did 7. When I got there it was dark. There was a five mile loop and a three mile loop. I started out with my buds doing 2/1 but they were too fast for me so I dropped back to my 1/1. I got to the turn for the three mile loop and stopped....do I turn or go straight? It was dark, I was alone and I panicked. I am on this road, out in the middle (almost) of a cotton field and it is dark!!! But thank goodness that did not last long. Just about the time I decided it was okay, someone came up behind me and called my name. Thank the Lord......It was Ruth Ann, one of our running buddies. She was late getting there. So she ran with me. We do pretty good together. She likes running slow and so do I. We did great. We could even do 3/1 which I thought was cool but, how did I manage that, when earlier I could not even do the 2/1??? I decided it was the pace we were doing. I finally got a groove on and I believe I could have gone on for another 7 miles. It felt so good. I tried real hard to talk myself out of going to the group run. I told myself: 1. It is raining. 2. I am tired. 3. My stomach hurts (not much) 4. Everyone misses at least one so it will be okay. 5. I will do the 8 miles later by myself (would never happen probably). But praise the LORD I went anyway. And enjoyed it a lot! I did not bring my ipod because of the rain so it was getting pretty boring by myself until Ruth Ann showed up. (I think God sent her to me). One thing I learned in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous: Go to a meeting even when you don't want to; those are the meetings you will enjoy the most! And it appears to be true with running as well. I did NOT want to go but I knew I needed to. And this run was awesome! It is amazing how the things I have learned in AA can apply to my "everyday" life. But I suppose that is because my drinking was just a symptom. It was not my "real" problem. It was what I used to cope with my problems. And when I took the alcohol away, I had to find another coping mechanism...enter Jesus Christ! The promises we read and talk about in AA have all come true for me: "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness, we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the path we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. Are these extravagant promises? We think not, they will materialize for us, if we work for them." I quoted them so they may not be exactly right but you get the picture. They have all come true for me. Thank you fellow AA members and thank you Christ for loving me when I could not love myself. MAKE it a great day!

Race Report 300 Oaks (September 22, 2009)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I am excited about my first 10K. It was great. I was the last runner for the first 2-3 miles and the police car was following behind me. That drove me nuts. As I would walk he would slow down, when I ran he would speed up to catch me and then slow down again. It was worrying the mess out of me. But I told myself that it was okay. I only had to finish - not finish fast! And that man driving just wished he could do what I was doing. That helped me. I finally stopped focusing on him and concentrated on my race. But it helped that I passed a few people and then he followed them instead. Of course all the walkers passed me again, I think. When I came in I thought there were three behind me but when I checked the MS Track Club site it showed me as being last. I wonder what happened to the others. One man I knew, I did not see his name anywhere. He was running along side me for a while. He had been sick and he said that this race was probably not a good idea. Every step he would take his chest would hurt. So maybe he had to DNF.

The scenery was beautiful. It was overcast (I got sunburned) and it was not too hot. All in all a nice day. It had rained every day the previous few days and we thought it would rain this day but didn't. I thought about sunscreen but then just as quickly forgot about it. Forgot that you can still get sunburned on cloudy days.

I started out too fast. My mind said walk at the beginning but my feet took to running! The first two miles were pretty hard. I keep focusing on that darn police car on my butt and the fact that my breathing was pretty fast since I started out too fast. But I made myself slow down and it got better. At about 5 miles I got really tired and thought "are you crazy? What are you doing out here?" Then I told myself - "you only have a mile to go. You are over half way. Keep going. You CAN DO THIS!" (That seems to happen to me a lot at mile 5) When I came in I think I was the only one still running. But there were people there that cheered me on and it felt good. I am still a little self conscious about how I look when I run but I am slowing getting over that.

I am still at a quandary as to why I am not losing weight. Even if I overeat a few times you would think I would still lose a little. But I have not gained. I have been around the same for months. But I sill need to lose 50 more pounds. I do well for a few weeks and then blow it all. Me and a friend are having the same problem. We are trying to work on it and help each other. I thought the Biggest Loser would motivate me more but it hasn't yet.

But I will just keep plugging along. After the half marathon in December I might start working on my speed. But I have been told that it is the long run (more miles) that gets the weight off so I might need to concentrate on that. I am having a hard time finding time to run. I would have to get up at 4 am to get in more miles since I am so slow and getting in the bed early the night before has been nearly impossible due to extenuating circumstances at my house.

As I was running the 10K I passed a young lady in a wheelchair sitting on her driveway. I waved at her and she smiled as best she could - it was obvious that she did not have use of her arms or legs. I could not help but think - what would she give to be able to take one step???? And here I was grumbling about how I was feeling. At least I can walk. I think that is when I began to feel better. I was reminded, one again, of God's grace in my life. Considering my past alcohol and drug use, it is only by the grace of God that I am here today. Just to be alive is a true blessing and to be able to run, no matter how slow, is icing on the cake! I must never forget where I came from and what "could have been." My life is so good today. I have many restored relationships and most importantly I have a relationship with Christ that keeps me strong. Thank you God for keeping me humble and thank you for the many ways you show yourself in my life (even in my running) and I pray that the young lady in the wheelchair found some measure of happiness as she watched all of us run by. There but for the grace of God go I.

This is the day that the Lord has made.

MAKE it a great one.