When will I be sick & tired of being sick & tired? ? ?

So, im getting dressed to go out for the evening and I look in the mirror. Of course I dont like what I see. But I am not willing to do anything about it. I have gained weight . . . . Again. Why do I do so well for a short time then crash and burn? I am so disgusted with myself!

Why can I not do this for any length of time?

I know all the answers to my own questions!

What will it take to really get sick & tired?

God help me!

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Wow!  I can't believe my second half is almost here! How exciting!  It's THIS SATURDAY, June 12th.  My son will be running with me so it will be DOUBLE FUN!  Woohoo!  My daughter will be doing the 5K so she will be at the finish line waiting on us.  I am a little nervous but not as much as my first one.  I've got the mental part down pat!  I know I can do it because I have done it before.  I just have to remember to take it slow in the beginning.  It is so tempting to want to run with everyone else even though they are skinnier, younger, and faster!!!  Ha!  But I know my limits and all I want to do is finish standing up!  I do hope to PR but if I don't, it won't hurt my feelings.  Just to be able to do it at all is a great acomplishment for me.!!  It will be a special moment when my son and I cross the finish line and when my daughter meets us there.  

I am so proud of my children.  I put them through so much when I was drinking and drugging.  I am so blessed for them to have growh into caring, responsible adults.  I praise God for ALL my blessings and there are many! 

I have started my checklist of things to take with me.  I always have this fear of forgetting something....like running shoes maybe...he he... Lord help me if that every happened.  I did my spin class this morning and got a twinge of "something" in my calf, the same one that I tore the calf muscle in last year.  Oh no!   So I am going to take it slow this week.  I was going to do my usual workout routine for the week but have decided against it.  I may do some walking with friends. Or if I run I will only do a mile or so.  Just something to keep my legs loose but not enought to cause an injury. 

This race course has some rolling hills so it is going to be tough but I can do it!  And the medal is beautiful, as is the T-shirt.  I can't wait to get mine.  Also they are giving away $1,000 to five lucky people.  The race starts at 6 am.  The drawing will be at 10 and you have to be present to win so I told my son we would have to be finished by 10 so I could collect my money.....ha ha ....!! 

I know we will have great fun and I am so excited.  I just hope I don't get lazy like I did after my last half. But then again, I probably won't because Galloway training for the St. Jude Half is starting up soon and I am doing that one again too.   No rest for the weary! 

On an awesome, awesome note......I have recruited another lady to run.  And she might be my speed.  Yippee!  I am so excited.  I need another penguin to waddle run along beside me.  :)  Plus I LOVE encouraging people.  When she asked me about the program I think I talked for an hour straight about it.  But I know that if I can do it-anyone can.  They just need a little encouragement like I did.  After being a cough potato ALL my life, it is hard to explain the feeling I have when I run.  Every time I run I am doing something I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD DO!  That feeling of acomplishment is glorious......mind boggling....almost too good to be true-so I pinch myself sometimes. he he....  God is so good.  When I called to him he answered me and he rescued me from my life of bondage to drugs and alcohol.  Little did I know that 18 years later I would be competing in my second half marathon.  On the season of The Biggest Loser when they did the very first marathon I cried and cried when they crossed the finish line because I was in training for my first half at that time.  I recorded the episode and played it over and over.  It gave me great encouragement and the courage that I, too, could finish and finish strong.  And that is just what I did. 

I am still amazed sometimes at how my life has turned out. And it's not over yet!  Praise God! 

Do something different....get different results! (October 23, 2009)

Friday, October 23, 2009 It's what I do - Eat when I am upset, tired, nervous, anxious, whatever. Food has always been a comfort. My childhood was not the greatest and my family loved to eat so naturally food would become my comforter since I had nothing else. Eventually that comforter would turn into sex, drugs and alcohol and now back to food. With God's help I have conquered my addiction to other things but food seems to have a big hold on me. Don't know why. I guess what makes it so hard to that we HAVE to eat. I don't HAVE to drink alcohol or use drugs to survive but I have to eat to survive. And I have never found a successfull way to do that without overindulging. Oh sure, I can starve myself...been there done that...but I don't want to go that route again. I might pass out on the road while running.

I have been training for a half marathon coming up in December. Even since I signed up I had told myself I was going to lose at least 20 more pounds so the running would be easier. I actually have way more than that to lose but 20 would have been good before the race. Now that the race is getting closer, I am finding myself getting anxious and scared... I need some comfort here folks.....so what do I do????? I do what comes naturally...I EAT! and I GAIN weight. Sitting here typing this I have become so mad at myself. Why can't I do this? Why why? Why does that chocolate call my name and I can't stop. Why have I stopped tracking my food in the last two weeks, stopping running like I should, stopped doing everything that I know is good for me. There is a saying in AA that says, "if you keep doing the same thing...you will get the same results." Duh.... So now what? DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!

I know exactly what to do to lose weight but...I am chosing not to do it for some reason. I don't know what the solution is. I can't be on a "diet" all my life, but I can't pig out either for the rest of my life. I can't find that happy medium. I can't.... or won't I suppose. I am trying so hard to accept myself like I am but at the same time I want and need to change too.

I have 1000's of excuses to stay fat - my husband is fat and we both love eating out, I have to eat to take my medicine, I don't have the time to exericse, you name it. They are all just excuses. I have never put myself first and I let other things come first all the time. You know, I have blogged about this over and over and over and nothing changes. (A coworker just came in here and said they have biscuits down the hall - don't go down there!) I make up my mind and I say this is it...I am going to lose this weight and then a few weeks later I am looking at the scale with hamburger and french fries grease dripping down my chin, barely able to see the scale for my stomach being in the way, and I scream...........WHY? WHY? WHY do I do this to myself. Am I trying to self destruct?

But regardless of all this chaos I am causing myself, I know that God loves me and I sometimes love myself (more so than not). I always pride myself on saying "I will not give up" and I haven't given up but I haven't lose any more weight either. Sometimes I want to slap myself thinking that will wake me up to what is really going on.

All I can say right now is.....I know what to do, I just CHOOSE not to do it. So I get what I get! Do I want to stay fat? Do I? I must want to...I am!! You know, I could go on for days feeling sorry for myself and vowing to do better (which I have done millions of times before) only to find myself back at square one again. So what's the use?

I know that none of you out there can do this for me but I also know that blogging about my feelings helps a lot so that is why I do this. (misery loves company?? ha ha )

With all that said, I will leave myself with this (like it's going to do any good)...... I WILL NOT GIVE UP! Not today anyway! And I know this is just a mood I am in and it will pass. But I do need to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT so I can get DIFFERENT results. aughhhhhhhhhhhhhh........

Race Report 300 Oaks (September 22, 2009)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I am excited about my first 10K. It was great. I was the last runner for the first 2-3 miles and the police car was following behind me. That drove me nuts. As I would walk he would slow down, when I ran he would speed up to catch me and then slow down again. It was worrying the mess out of me. But I told myself that it was okay. I only had to finish - not finish fast! And that man driving just wished he could do what I was doing. That helped me. I finally stopped focusing on him and concentrated on my race. But it helped that I passed a few people and then he followed them instead. Of course all the walkers passed me again, I think. When I came in I thought there were three behind me but when I checked the MS Track Club site it showed me as being last. I wonder what happened to the others. One man I knew, I did not see his name anywhere. He was running along side me for a while. He had been sick and he said that this race was probably not a good idea. Every step he would take his chest would hurt. So maybe he had to DNF.

The scenery was beautiful. It was overcast (I got sunburned) and it was not too hot. All in all a nice day. It had rained every day the previous few days and we thought it would rain this day but didn't. I thought about sunscreen but then just as quickly forgot about it. Forgot that you can still get sunburned on cloudy days.

I started out too fast. My mind said walk at the beginning but my feet took to running! The first two miles were pretty hard. I keep focusing on that darn police car on my butt and the fact that my breathing was pretty fast since I started out too fast. But I made myself slow down and it got better. At about 5 miles I got really tired and thought "are you crazy? What are you doing out here?" Then I told myself - "you only have a mile to go. You are over half way. Keep going. You CAN DO THIS!" (That seems to happen to me a lot at mile 5) When I came in I think I was the only one still running. But there were people there that cheered me on and it felt good. I am still a little self conscious about how I look when I run but I am slowing getting over that.

I am still at a quandary as to why I am not losing weight. Even if I overeat a few times you would think I would still lose a little. But I have not gained. I have been around the same for months. But I sill need to lose 50 more pounds. I do well for a few weeks and then blow it all. Me and a friend are having the same problem. We are trying to work on it and help each other. I thought the Biggest Loser would motivate me more but it hasn't yet.

But I will just keep plugging along. After the half marathon in December I might start working on my speed. But I have been told that it is the long run (more miles) that gets the weight off so I might need to concentrate on that. I am having a hard time finding time to run. I would have to get up at 4 am to get in more miles since I am so slow and getting in the bed early the night before has been nearly impossible due to extenuating circumstances at my house.

As I was running the 10K I passed a young lady in a wheelchair sitting on her driveway. I waved at her and she smiled as best she could - it was obvious that she did not have use of her arms or legs. I could not help but think - what would she give to be able to take one step???? And here I was grumbling about how I was feeling. At least I can walk. I think that is when I began to feel better. I was reminded, one again, of God's grace in my life. Considering my past alcohol and drug use, it is only by the grace of God that I am here today. Just to be alive is a true blessing and to be able to run, no matter how slow, is icing on the cake! I must never forget where I came from and what "could have been." My life is so good today. I have many restored relationships and most importantly I have a relationship with Christ that keeps me strong. Thank you God for keeping me humble and thank you for the many ways you show yourself in my life (even in my running) and I pray that the young lady in the wheelchair found some measure of happiness as she watched all of us run by. There but for the grace of God go I.

This is the day that the Lord has made.

MAKE it a great one.