Friday, October 23, 2009
It's what I do - Eat when I am upset, tired, nervous, anxious, whatever. Food has always been a comfort. My childhood was not the greatest and my family loved to eat so naturally food would become my comforter since I had nothing else. Eventually that comforter would turn into sex, drugs and alcohol and now back to food. With God's help I have conquered my addiction to other things but food seems to have a big hold on me. Don't know why. I guess what makes it so hard to that we HAVE to eat. I don't HAVE to drink alcohol or use drugs to survive but I have to eat to survive. And I have never found a successfull way to do that without overindulging. Oh sure, I can starve myself...been there done that...but I don't want to go that route again. I might pass out on the road while running.
I have been training for a half marathon coming up in December. Even since I signed up I had told myself I was going to lose at least 20 more pounds so the running would be easier. I actually have way more than that to lose but 20 would have been good before the race. Now that the race is getting closer, I am finding myself getting anxious and scared... I need some comfort here folks.....so what do I do????? I do what comes naturally...I EAT! and I GAIN weight. Sitting here typing this I have become so mad at myself. Why can't I do this? Why why? Why does that chocolate call my name and I can't stop. Why have I stopped tracking my food in the last two weeks, stopping running like I should, stopped doing everything that I know is good for me. There is a saying in AA that says, "if you keep doing the same thing...you will get the same results." Duh.... So now what? DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!
I know exactly what to do to lose weight but...I am chosing not to do it for some reason. I don't know what the solution is. I can't be on a "diet" all my life, but I can't pig out either for the rest of my life. I can't find that happy medium. I can't.... or won't I suppose. I am trying so hard to accept myself like I am but at the same time I want and need to change too.
I have 1000's of excuses to stay fat - my husband is fat and we both love eating out, I have to eat to take my medicine, I don't have the time to exericse, you name it. They are all just excuses. I have never put myself first and I let other things come first all the time. You know, I have blogged about this over and over and over and nothing changes. (A coworker just came in here and said they have biscuits down the hall - don't go down there!) I make up my mind and I say this is it...I am going to lose this weight and then a few weeks later I am looking at the scale with hamburger and french fries grease dripping down my chin, barely able to see the scale for my stomach being in the way, and I scream...........WHY? WHY? WHY do I do this to myself. Am I trying to self destruct?
But regardless of all this chaos I am causing myself, I know that God loves me and I sometimes love myself (more so than not). I always pride myself on saying "I will not give up" and I haven't given up but I haven't lose any more weight either. Sometimes I want to slap myself thinking that will wake me up to what is really going on.
All I can say right now is.....I know what to do, I just CHOOSE not to do it. So I get what I get! Do I want to stay fat? Do I? I must want to...I am!! You know, I could go on for days feeling sorry for myself and vowing to do better (which I have done millions of times before) only to find myself back at square one again. So what's the use?
I know that none of you out there can do this for me but I also know that blogging about my feelings helps a lot so that is why I do this. (misery loves company?? ha ha )
With all that said, I will leave myself with this (like it's going to do any good)...... I WILL NOT GIVE UP! Not today anyway! And I know this is just a mood I am in and it will pass. But I do need to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT so I can get DIFFERENT results. aughhhhhhhhhhhhhh........
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