Major Struggle Tonight! (April 17, 2008)

I have a real struggle coming up tonight! I am probably going to my mother-in-law¡¦s house for a birthday party. There is food everywhere .and I mean GOOD FOOD! Plus there is candy and snacks everywhere. When I wasn¡¦t trying to eat healthy and lose weight that place was a paradise for me!!!! I am tempted to not go but I realize that I cannot hide from food forever. I need to be able to be around it and not partake of it! Boy! Is that hard for me! I was thinking of taking some things I can snack on. And I want to be aware of my surroundings. I usually walk around the house and mindlessly pop whatever I want into my mouth. I promise you. I bet I have consumed 5,000 calories in one night over there! I have found that drinking lots of water is helping me tremendously. You know as I am sitting here thinking and writing about this, I had a revelation¡K..I keep thinking about this in a negative way. I keep thinking of how horrible these types of situations are but instead of that, I should be thinking of this as a great way to keep motivated! I can go into this with a positive attitude. I will look at it as a way to be triumphant over my struggles. I will think about coming back to you all and being able to say - I DID IT! I did not fall to temptation. What a joy that would be. When I think back on the other times I have had temptations like this, I have always gone into it with a defeated attitude. My mind tells me, "You can't help yourself, so you might as well just go ahead and dig in!¨ And I wind up eating anything and everything. Well, I REFUSE to do that this time. I will not! Do you hear me...I will not do that this time! I watched Biggest Loser finale and I cried. Did anyone else do that? People who have never had a weight problem do not understand the pain of it. It is hard when people call you names, laugh at you and make fun of you because you are overweight. And I hate it, I really do! But sometimes I felt helpless to do anything about it. When you have 100+ to lose it seems like an impossible task. That is a lot of weight! And that only made me eat more. I felt defeated before I even started! Losing weight is a very emotional roller coaster. I have had many ups and downs. I told my husband last night that if I had lost 2 pounds per week since I stated this weight loss journey I would weigh a -200 (thats a negative 200)! he.he.. Or I would be invisible. But I have gained and lost the same 50 or so pounds many times and I know some of you have as well. You would think that gaining back that weight would be insane but unless you have done that, you will never understand how it happens. It feels like you just look up one day and you weigh 50 pounds more than you did yesterday. I am serious folks! It really feels that way! Why can't it feel like that in reverse?? Why can't I turn around, look up and say, where did that 50 pounds go? But no, that would be too easy. I think it is so hard because I have to have food. I can't survive without it. I have been clear and sober for almost 17 years. I can live with alcohol and drugs. I have been nicotine free for 16 years (nicotine is a drug too you know, a very addictive one, by the way). I can live without cigarettes. But damn it! I can't live without food. I am trying to look at this the AA way.¡¨ One day at a time I will not overeat. One day at a time I will not overeat! One day at a time I will not overeat! I can do it one day at a time but when I look at it as ¡§the rest of my life¨ I shutter at the thought. Just like I did when I first attempted to quit drinking. I looked at my counselor in treatment and I said, ¡§You mean I cannot have a drink for the REST OF MY LIFE?????¡¨ He just smiled and said, ¡§look at it this way, you will not drink today, and one day at time, you will not drink and before you know it those "one day at a times" will turn into weeks, months and then years. And you know what? HE WAS RIGHT! So that is how I will look at my struggle with weight. I can do this today, just today and then like Scarlett said, "after all, tomorrow is a new day!¨ So people, one day at time I will do this. I can, I will, I must! Not just for me but for my Kinzie Girl and my Kadence and my future grandchildren. I want to be around for a little while longer to enjoy the smile, the wonder and the innocence of my Kinzie Girl (who is almost three). I enjoy so much watching her grow, learn and try new things. What I would give to be able to go back and look at my daughter like that. I wish instead of "mother eyes" I could have had "grandmother eyes!" Thats a whole nother story guys). (Nother is southern slang for the word another). I realize some of you who read this may be not from the south (imagine that!) Well, guys, that is my rant for the day. If you are interested let me hear from you on how you handle your temptations! I need all the help I can get. I can't do this weight loss journey along, in fact, I can't do LIFE alone. I need you guys. MAKE it a great day!