On day I will - I promise. (September 4, 2009)

Friday, September 04, 2009 Today is an okay day. I am not too happy with myself but that is okay. I ate too much pizza last night and then ate a piece of chocolate cake. I went over my calories once again. Our recovery meeting is Thursday night and I am a group leader. We have pizza every Thursday night. I am thinking I need to get there later so I won't be tempted by the pizza. I don't really have to be there until 7 and we eat at 6. It seems the only way I can avoid this is to show up later. Our run tomorrow is 6.5 miles. That will be the longest I have ever gone. I have done 6 miles before. I am looking forward to it. I hope my (slow) friend shows. It is more fun to run with someone as the miles seem to go faster for me. But if not, I will have my trusty ipod and my determination. I need to try and figure out how to work that determination I have for my running into my wanting to lose weight. It is like something takes over me and I have no control over my food intake. I know I do have control but sometimes it feels like I don't. I think it may be that I just don't WANT to. I WANT to eat that food, I WANT to, I WANT to and I still WANT to.!!! I feel like a broken record here but all I can do is express my feelings and hope that doing so will somehow help me to look at myself and see me for who I really am. When I overeat - I hate myself. When I starve - I love myself. Stupid I know and I am working to overcome this way of thinking. I want to love myself just the way I am. One day I will - I promise