I Hate Myself! (January 4, 2008)

Friday, January 04, 2008 I am so disgusted with myself. I have GAINED weight! GAINED! I am such a pig! Why do I do this? Why? Why? I am sitting here stuffed to the gill and miserable. My reflux is acting up and I am so mad at myself! Why can't I stay on track? Is it because I stopped coming to the spark page? I let myself go during the holidays. I knew I was going to do it and I did it! My thinking was - I will lose it after the holidays. I love so much to eat. Once I get started I can't stop. How many times am I going to torture myself like this? I have been eating everything in site and I have been on the treadmill only once in the past month or so! I must be insane! Why do I stop doing what makes me feel so good? Do I love to torture myself? When I am eating right and exercising I feel so much better. Everyone is telling me you look so good! And I feel better so I stop watching my weight and think I can be like other people I suppose. But I can't eat like other people. You may think I am crazy but I wish right now that I could throw up. I have tried to make myself throw up but I can't do it! I am so self destructive. I know what I need to do to get back on tract but my mind is sitting here thinking ---- why the *&$*(&^* even bother??????? My mindset is one of ---I have lost a lot of weight, so what if I gain some of it back...I can just lose that again.....! ! ! but at this rate I will never lose any more. I told my husband the other day that if I had lost all that I had lost and gained back I would weigh about 2 pounds right now! God, I need some motivation!!!!!