No Mental Defense Against The First Bite

At a certain point in the drinking overeating of every alcoholic compulsive overeater, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking eating compulsively is of absolutely no avail. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected.

The fact is that most alcoholics compulsive overeaters, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink eating compulsively.  Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink compulsive bite. 

The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a first bite of that glass of beer binge food do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.

The alcoholic compulsive overeater may say to himself in the most casual way, "It won't burn me this time, so here's how!" Or perhaps he doesn't think at all. How often have some of us begun to drink eat in this nonchalant way, and after the third or fourth, pounded on the bar kitchen table or fast food counter and said to ourselves, "For God's sake, how did I ever get started again?" Only to have that thought supplanted by "Well, I'll stop with the sixth drink bite." Or "What's the use anyhow?"

When this sort of thinking is fully established in an individual with alcoholic compulsive overeating tendencies, he has probably placed himself beyond human aid, and unless locked up, may die or go permanently insane.  - from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous page 24.  

Say what????  

Yes, this is the way it was for me some 20+ years ago. But God freed me from that obsession.  Now I have the same problem with food.  And I know the answer to my problem.  I'm just not willing to do it  - at least not a continual day-to-day basis.  I have a few good days or weeks then I kill it with a huge, usually fried, meal with a huge dessert!  And once I eat that dessert all my mind is thinking of is - MORE SUGAR PLEASE!!!  

At my weigh-in tomorrow morning I hope to be BACK to what I was two weeks ago.  A good weekend of eating compulsively and it takes me TWO WEEKS to get back to where I was.  Does that surprise me? Nope!  I do it all the time.  I let my guard down and just like it says above - I am unable, at certain times, to bring into my consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago.  I am without defense against the first compulsive bite! 

I do not remember the night I laid awake all night with a stomach ache from all the fried foods I ate.  I do not remember the ways I am swollen from all the salt.  I seem to forget how horrible I feel after eating fast foods on a regular basis. But AFTER I have eaten it and the guilt and pain sets it - then and only then - do I remember - oh yeah!  I might should not have done that!  But - too late.  

I know my solution is in God just as it was when I first started AA meetings. I learned about God in AA and about unconditional love and forgiveness.  I am fond of saying that "the AA meetings led me straight to the cross!"  Praise Jesus!

Because He loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him;  I will protect him, for He acknowledges my name.  He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him."  (Psalm 91:14-15)

I know my Jesus loves me and he doesn't desire to see me suffer.  The suffering I bring all on myself.  I MUST call on him more, as I did when I first got clean and sober!  Jesus must be my first thought as I fight this battle with my compulsive self.  

Only He can save me.  That much I do know!

MAKE it a great day my friends!

Betty

Good days and bad and I'm not perfect.

Hey everybody! I had a not so good weekend but back on tract today. I ate out Sat. night and had meatballs and spaghetti AND dessert! The biggest problem with eating out for me is the sodium content! I can “gain” 5 pounds from eating out 1 time. I know it is just water weight from the sodium so I don’t let it get me down. And generally when I am not eating right, I am also not drinking enough water. I have found that water is a wonderful thing (even though I still don’t like it). If I drink a big glass before I eat, I will eat less. It makes me feel full. It also helps me with the swelling that I have from the too much sodium I usually get. I would love to say I drink around 8-10 glasses a day but that is not true. I generally do better during the week while at work. I have started drinking water when I eat out instead of a diet coke. I had a diet coke the other day, the first one in a long time, and it did not even taste good! I can’t say that I love water yet but I am learning to “like” it. Crystal Light has become my new BFF. I do drink a lot of crystal light! So that is better than no water at all. Not long ago the only water that touched my mouth was when I brushed my teeth.

I have not been able to blog every day. My life is just not that interesting. But I saw a picture that made me want to come here and blog today:

Thanks Motive Weight Website  for the pic today!!

I know that writing about my good days and bad days are helpful. I have diaries from way back that I have written in. It is interesting to go back and read them. One thing I need is accountability!! Knowing that people may read this blog helps me to stay honest. I only want to inspire others and hopefully I am able to do that. I know that my writing about the good AND bad will help others because we all have bad days. Every day is not good!

When I read about someone else’s day it helps me to realize that all is not lost. So I may have had a bad day! Just pick up and carry on. It’s not the end of the world. There used to be a time when a setback would keep me down and I would use that as an excuse to give up and succumb to the compulsive overeating monster!!! I would continue on that downward spiral until I had gained back all the weight PLUS some! Then would come the self-hatred and the loathing of myself, the depression and the negative self-talk. Today I don’t do that. I have become a much more positive person. I have realized that I am not and never will be perfect. I have also come to realize that I am not a quitter and having a bad day now and then will not stop me from reaching my goal. It may just take me longer but I WILL get there.

Yesterday was a good day. After the “not so good” weekend I picked back up yesterday with good eating habits and lots of water etc. Doing the things I know I should be doing. I worked out at the park with my friends and trainer. We ran/walked 3+ miles. It was nice. The weather was not too terribly hot as it was cloudy. At times there was a nice breeze blowing. It is so much fun to work out with friends and to be able to encourage them and have them encourage me. Before I know it, the time has past, the miles are done and we are finished! I have a hard time working out by myself. I will do it but it is so much more enjoyable to work out with friends.

Well, I guess I have rattled on enough for today. Oh….my Fitbit stats last week – pretty impressive. I forgot my Fitbit yesterday morning so my step count will be low for Monday but that’s ok. I know I was moving!

Week of June 11 – June 17
STEPS
Total: 56,655
Daily average steps: 8,094
Weekly best: 12, 920 steps

DISTANCE
Total distance: 24.05 miles
Daily average: 3.44
Weekly best: 5.33

FLOORS
Total floors climbed: 12
Daily average: 2
Weekly best: 11

CALORIES
Total calories burned: 13,949
Daily average: 1,993
Weekly best: 2,172

CALORIES IN VS OUT
Total in vs out: -3,001
Calories burned: 13,949
Calories eaten: 7,448 (this is not totally correct as some days I did not log ALL my food on My Fitness Pal  , which is a great website for keeping tract of calories by the way). 

WEIGHT
Lightest weight: 195.8
Heaviest weight: 196.4
Weight change: - 0.6 pounds

Most active day was Monday

Least active day was Sunday (looks like I need to move more on Sunday!!)

And this morning I started out with a 1 mile run on the home treadmill!  Yea me!!!  Have to pat myself on the back because I am NOT a morning person!!!

MAKE it a great day friends!!


~ Betty ~

My Fitbit, running, and this and that

Here are my stats from my  FITBIT.  I have to admit that ever since getting this little gadget I have been moving more and getting in more steps. It is definitely a motivator for me. I love competing with my friends on the web site. And I love the fact that it syncs to my computer the moment I walk in the room. No buttons to push, nothing to enter on the Fitbit web site unless I just want to enter my food I ate. But I do that with the  my fitness pal web site and that syncs to my Fitbit account. So all I have to do is enter my food eaten and water, if you keep up with that, and everything else is done. Yea!! It’s a breeze. I have lost 6 pounds since getting it.

Steps 16,653
Distance 8.78
Floors: 1
Calories burned – 2,703
Calories eaten – 1,120
Water – 7 cups
Sedentary: 10 hrs 55 min; 63% of my day
Light Activity: 3 hr 41 min; 21% of my day
Fairly active: 1 hr 27 min; 8% of my day
Very active: 1 hr 14 min; 7% of my day

Yesterday was great! I went straight to the gym from work and got in 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 minutes on the elliptical. Exercise really does make me feel so much better. I wonder why it is so hard to get going some times when I know how great I will feel afterwards!!

My trainer and exercise buddy have been “missing in action” lately and I guess I will have to learn to go it alone. Hopefully this is only temporary.

In my running I have had to go it alone as well. There is almost no one that is as slow and as dedicated as me so I have no running buddies on a regular several time a week basis. I do have a great group of friends that run with me on most Saturdays when our running group meets but I would love someone who would like to run on a regular basis maybe 3 times a week or so. And when I talk “running” to some people they get all bent out of shape. When I say run, I mean run/walk. What I do – anyone can do. I don’t care how young, old, big or small you are. Although I can and have run without walking for up to 3 miles, I don’t usually do that unless I am on the treadmill. Running outside is so much harder than on the treadmill!! But I do whatever I feel like doing because after all – it is MY run. But I sure would love to have company. It is so much easier getting out the door when I know I have someone waiting on me who enjoys it like I do. Once I take that first step it gets better after that. But getting out the door sure is hard sometimes!

Growing up I was shy and quiet and scared of most people. It is hard to believe that today I am a “people” person. I love people, love being with people and love group things. A relationship with my Higher Power, whom I choose to call Jesus, is what changed all that. I do believe that without Him I would still be that shy, quiet, scared, lonely and depressed couch potato that I always was; wanting so badly to do things differently but so terribly scared to begin. My life is good today and will my continued healthy lifestyle I believe it will get even better.

MAKE it a great day friends and get up and MOVE!!

~ Betty ~

So I went into the kitchen at work, right?  Should have know better but since I am on "kitchen duty" for the entire month of May, I have to go in there on occasion as I have to clean the kitchen, make the morning coffee, start the dishwasher at day's end...etc....thank goodness there are enough people here that we only have this "duty" once a year or so.  I will be glad when mine is over!!! 

There were donuts there and a few other things.  I came out of that kitchen stuffed to the gill!!! I had no mental defense against it this morning.  Considering I missed my OA meeting last night, even for a good reason, I can understand why this happened.  I need a meeting once a day seems like.  That is what I did when I first got into recovery for my alcohol addiction and that worked really well for me.  But in all actualitym, I know what to do but once again I am CHOOSING  not to do it.  I really don't believe I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, or else I would stop this insanity!!!! I don't  know what it is going to take.  I guess being miserable doesn't feel so bad after all and if I wallow in it enough, it might even become comfortable...or maybe I am already there.  Maybe that is my problem.  Maybe I am comfortable being miserable.  I am been there off and on for my entire life. 

All I can say is, I won't give up, I won't quit.  I will perservere and strive to have good days as best I can. 

This food addiction or compulsive overeating, or whatever you want to call it, is extremely difficult to manage. I don't have to use drugs or alcohol to live every day but I HAVE to eat.  I can't completely abstain from food like I can other things.  That makes it very very hard!!!! 

I have also been working two jobs and have been extremely busy and have found myself not getting enough sleep and feeling stressed.  That is not good for recovery either. 

But enough complaining.  I am going to MAKE this a great day from this moment forward and start fresh!!!

Hope you all MAKE it a great day as well.  :)

I see I have two followers.  Thank you! 

I have changed my weigh-in day to Monday.  Yesterday when I weighed I had lost 6.5 pounds.  I know that will not be typical for me, after all I'm not on the biggest loser!  Some of that was fluid too.  I usually have a few pounds of fluid when I don't eat right.  So some of that was my short spell of disasterous eating over the holidays. 

I have planned for at least a 2 pound weight loss each week. I will be at goal by September 25th if I stick to that.  And stick to it I will!  (think positive, think positive, think positive! ) 

I have been encouraged my so many of the blogs I have been reading.  I wish I had time to read every single posting.  Try as I might I can't get to all of them.  There are just too many good ones out there!  I have ran twice this week for a total of 4 miles so far.  I was planning on doing 2 miles a day.  I have been running on my treadmill at home (not my favorite place to run) but it has been so cold outside these days.  I try to get to the Y when I can because I love to run on their treadmill.  Mine sounds like it is falling apart sometimes!  It is pretty old.  But I am going to run it into the ground! 

OA meeting is tonight and I am so excited.  I hope to have several friends there tonight.  I know OA will help me if I will just go and do what is suggested.  But I also want to encourage the other people there as well.  Some of the ladies were slacking on their exercise and when I mentioned to them that I had taking up running and had run a half marathon in December they said they were motivated to start back with their exercise.  How exciting!  That is what the meetings are all about - accountability and helping others. Sharing our experience, strength and hope with others who suffer from compulsive overeating.  What I have learned in AA is that in order for me to stay "well" I have to give back what I have been given.  So in sharing with others what has worked for me keeps me motivated. We help each other by giving and taking.  I think that is the main reason why the meetings work so well for us.  Only someone who struggles with what I struggle with can honestly understand what I have been going through.  Even my own husband, who is obese, does not understand my obsession with food and my struggle to conquer this obsession.  He is a recovering alcoholic also but he does not (or will not) see that he has a problem with food.  He knows it but doesn't want to look at it right now.  But I can't do it for him.  I can only focus on me today.  That is all I can handle anyway! 

It is a 24/7 job trying to stay abstient from food when food is everywhere!  I would have to go to certain places to see alcohol and/or drugs but food I can see anywhere, anytime!   Speaking of "seeing" food, I am so glad I decided to tape the programs I watch. I can fast forward through the commercials. Especially the FOOD COMMERCIALS.   Last night I realized just how many commercials are about food and what it does to me.  Man!  If I looked at a drink every couple of minutes I would probably want to drink!!  But I rarely think about alcohol or drugs anymore.  They never cross my mind.  When I first got into recovery that was all I thought about!  I know that being new in this recovery program from food, I will think about food a lot but with time it will get easier.  I just have to take it one day at a time.  I know that God will remove my obsession for overeating just like he did with alcohol and drugs.   I NEVER have to drink again unless I choose to but I do have to eat to survive.  That is why I think this addiction is harder than others.  But I intend to beat this one too.   With God on my side and the support of my many friends out there in cyberland and here at home I can't fail.  How cool is that? 

MAKE it a great day friends.