No Mental Defense Against The First Bite

At a certain point in the drinking overeating of every alcoholic compulsive overeater, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking eating compulsively is of absolutely no avail. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected.

The fact is that most alcoholics compulsive overeaters, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink eating compulsively.  Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink compulsive bite. 

The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a first bite of that glass of beer binge food do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.

The alcoholic compulsive overeater may say to himself in the most casual way, "It won't burn me this time, so here's how!" Or perhaps he doesn't think at all. How often have some of us begun to drink eat in this nonchalant way, and after the third or fourth, pounded on the bar kitchen table or fast food counter and said to ourselves, "For God's sake, how did I ever get started again?" Only to have that thought supplanted by "Well, I'll stop with the sixth drink bite." Or "What's the use anyhow?"

When this sort of thinking is fully established in an individual with alcoholic compulsive overeating tendencies, he has probably placed himself beyond human aid, and unless locked up, may die or go permanently insane.  - from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous page 24.  

Say what????  

Yes, this is the way it was for me some 20+ years ago. But God freed me from that obsession.  Now I have the same problem with food.  And I know the answer to my problem.  I'm just not willing to do it  - at least not a continual day-to-day basis.  I have a few good days or weeks then I kill it with a huge, usually fried, meal with a huge dessert!  And once I eat that dessert all my mind is thinking of is - MORE SUGAR PLEASE!!!  

At my weigh-in tomorrow morning I hope to be BACK to what I was two weeks ago.  A good weekend of eating compulsively and it takes me TWO WEEKS to get back to where I was.  Does that surprise me? Nope!  I do it all the time.  I let my guard down and just like it says above - I am unable, at certain times, to bring into my consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago.  I am without defense against the first compulsive bite! 

I do not remember the night I laid awake all night with a stomach ache from all the fried foods I ate.  I do not remember the ways I am swollen from all the salt.  I seem to forget how horrible I feel after eating fast foods on a regular basis. But AFTER I have eaten it and the guilt and pain sets it - then and only then - do I remember - oh yeah!  I might should not have done that!  But - too late.  

I know my solution is in God just as it was when I first started AA meetings. I learned about God in AA and about unconditional love and forgiveness.  I am fond of saying that "the AA meetings led me straight to the cross!"  Praise Jesus!

Because He loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him;  I will protect him, for He acknowledges my name.  He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him."  (Psalm 91:14-15)

I know my Jesus loves me and he doesn't desire to see me suffer.  The suffering I bring all on myself.  I MUST call on him more, as I did when I first got clean and sober!  Jesus must be my first thought as I fight this battle with my compulsive self.  

Only He can save me.  That much I do know!

MAKE it a great day my friends!

Betty

My Drug of Choice and Starting Over



Why is it when I am upset the first thing I think about is hurting MYSELF! Before I got sober it was alcohol and drugs. Before that it was sex and relationships and finally after breaking free from all that – food became my drug of choice. Actually I believe food was my “drug of choice” long before the others, but with all the drugs and alcohol I was pouring into my body, the last thing I was worried about was how much food I was eating and my weight!


So with the help of an outpatient treatment program and many, many AA meetings and finally a relationship with a higher power named Jesus, I was able to kick most of those demons that were plaquing me. But food has been an issue from the day I was born. It is funny; when I look back on some old pictures I am not fat. I am not skinny but I am not fat either. I don’t know why I always thought I was fat when I was growing up. I remember seeing my mother take numerous diet aids and going to weight loss meetings of TOPS – Take Off Pounds Sensibly. She had these little square chewy things wrapped in foil that we were not supposed to eat. I believe they were called Aids. You were supposed to eat them before a meal and you would lose weight. Of course I ate them, I guess just because she said not to. They were terrible!

I don’t know if seeing her struggle with her weight made ME think I was fat or what! My mother was successful at the TOPS meetings and she actually won a trophy for her efforts. But the weight always came back on. My mother grew up on a farm and they ate very well. Of course I was exposed to that food also as a child. It was nothing to have the dinner table so full of food there was hardly room to eat at the table. There was usually two meats, and several vegetables and of course many desserts. I was in heaven. There is no telling how many calories I would consume on those days.

But I digress. Actually, the point I was getting to was how I still use food when I am upset. Yesterday was one of those days. It’s strange how I can be floating along with everything seeming to be fine and then bam!! A wrench gets thrown into the mix. The first thing my mind tells me is to eat something. And yes, the food does taste good and it makes me feel good - temporarily. Then the guilt sets in and I hate myself (one more time) and the vicious cycle starts all over again!! But today I won’t do that. I will NOT do that. I won’t!! I refuse to gain this weight back. I know that yesterday was not a total loss but I did not eat “good” foods for me. And I also did not allow the guilt to get to me. I won’t let anything stop me this time.      I . SIMPLY . WON’T.

At least today I recognize where my failures are, what I am doing wrong and how to stop the downfall before too much damage is done. And one good thing about living is that I can start over at anytime. Major always says, “as long as someone is breathing, there is always hope” - So today is a start-over day. I didn’t do too much damage yesterday but it was not my best day either.

So – here’s to starting over.

If you are starting over today, suck it up and move on. It is only a temporary setback. Get right back to doing what you know works!! That’s what I’m gonna do and I’ll let you know how it goes!

MAKE it a great day friends.



Betty

New job, good day, missing mama

Today has been a good day.  It was the first day on my new job with boss and wife back in town.  They had been to Italy and they brought back beautiful pics.

My first day at work and I get kitchen duty for the month.  The new people always get it!  But I don't mind.  It will break up the monotony of my typing.

With mother's day around the corner, I am getting sad.  This will be my first mother's day without my mom.  I still find it hard to believe she is gone.  I never realized what an impact a sudden death has on a person.   I can't begin to describe the pain I felt.  And it is still there but not as bad.  Some days are good and some are bad.  But none of them are all bad...they are getting better just as I was told they would.  But if you are in church on Sunday and you wonder why I might be crying, just know that I miss my mom each and every day.  She will never sit next to me in church again.  

The more family members that go to Heaven, the more I long to be there!  But I hope God allows me enough time on this earth to make a tiny impact on my grandchildren.  How I look forward to that!!  He is giving me a chance to make amends for not being the mother I should have been, by being the grandmother I know I can be today.  I promised God that if he gave me grandchildren, I would make sure that they knew about his son Jesus.

Sorry this post was not about weight loss or exercise but I do have other things going on in my life....lol.....and weight loss seems to be on the back burner lately. Got to get it back up front and foremost!  I do have a 10K this Saturday and I am supposed to be running the 1 mile Fun Run with my niece Kinzie after I finish the 10K.  I really might die at this one.  lol.

I know that the running will get easier when I lose more weight so I really need to focus on that asap.  I have got to get this new job moving on a more even keel and then I can get back to routine.  I have to "close" tomorrow evening so I don't know what all that entails and how late I will be getting home.  But it will all fall together soon.  As long as I don't give up....anything is possible.  That I do believe!

Check this out - a picture of my family from a long time ago. That is me standing on the right by my dad.  I guess I am about 5 or 6 years old maybe.  Cute huh!!

8K Turkey Trot

Today I did my first turkey trot.  It was an 8K and it was so much fun.  The weather was great - Sunny and windy but not hot - in the 60's.  There were a few hills I did not anticipate but I persevered.  The race began on the highway then down a small blvd. and then onto a multipurpose trail through the woods that was beautiful!  I started out too fast.....again!!  But all in all I am pleased.  I had no one to run with, so my time was a little better.  I tend to not push it when I am running with someone else, especially if they are a new runner.  No one can be any slower than me....just newer!!  lol

The course was supposedly 5 miles but my Garmin said 4.94 when i crossed the finish line.  I did not realize that until I had sat down.  I took off my shows and then decided to check my Garmin. I don't like stopping on a uneven number.....if I had seen it before I took my shoes off, I probably would have gotten back out there and did a few more steps to equal 5.  But I won't let it bother me this time.. he he....

I did a 1/1 ratio this time.  (run 1 minute/walk 1 minute).

My stats:
4.94 miles
1:08 total time
Mile 1 - 12:52
Mile 2 - 14:11
Mile 3 - 13:21
Mile 4 - 15:14 (must have been those bigger "hills")
Mile 5 - 12:24
Avg. HR - 162
Max HR - 182

I did speed up at the end but if I had not started out too fast I might have been able to go even faster in the last mile.  There was several hills that I didn't know about and that made it a little slow going for me.  I had a torn calf muscle last year and did not want that to happen again, so I walked up the hills and ran down them.

I am pleased with my time.  Last year I was running a 15 minute mile and now I am down to a 13-14 minute mile.  So I am improving somewhat.  I have also been able to run a mild without having to stop and walk.  That is so cool!!! Last year I ran 300 miles and this year I have run over 500 so far!  Woohoo!  I can't believe it.  In two years I have gone from a couch potato to running OVER 500 MILES.  That just blows my mind!  Never in a million years would I have ever thought I could or would do that.

My finish line pic:  Time 1:08:11

A few friends:
Rod

Martha:

I have lots of things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving day...especially my health.  But I am not there yet.  I still have a ways to go.  I have only lost half of the 100 pounds I need to lose.  But I won't give up!

In two weeks I have my third half marathon in Memphis.  I am so excited.  My son and his wife are running also. They ran it last year with me too....well, not with me but at the same time as me.  They finished way BEFORE me of course.  But we had a great time and I anticipate having a great time this year too.

I have gotten a little lax on my training this time around.  I am thinking about doing the  Renaissance at Colony Park half marathon again.  It will be in April next year.  It was in June of this year and it was way to hot.  I don't think I want to do one ever again in the heat!!!

 I don't like running alone as I have said many times and the thought of 13.1 miles, hot or cold, with no one to talk to sounds really daunting.  I have a friend, Millette, who is thinking about doing the Renaissance with me.  It would be her first half.  But I have to get over this one in Memphis in two weeks first.  It took me 3.45 hours last year but I anticipate my time being much better this year.  I know what to expect this time...hills included.  Most people would say the "hills" are just bumps, but to me that are hills.  When you train in the Mississippi Delta which is all FLAT LAND, the smallest hill can seem like a monster.  We have no hills here to train on other than the levee and it is a whopper of a hill!! There are no rolling hills here like in Memphis.

My husband went with me and he seemed proud of me.  He is not too thrilled about running, it bores him I think like football does me..he he...but he goes and he takes pics for me.  He is my official driver, camera man, etc.  He is a sweetie!  I thank God for him every day.

Of course I could not do any of this without my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Without his mercy and grace I would still be a drunken, miserable, depressed, overweight, unhealthy, drug addict wondering why my life was so miserable.  Instead, now I have peace, joy, and serenity every day of my life.  Thank you Jesus!