MY OBESE LIFESTYLE IS BACK!

The above picture is an example of my lifestyle since Christmas.  I started eating and have not been able to stop.  An addiction is an addiction no matter what I am addicted to.  It seems SUGAR and FRIED FOODS are the culprits that are keeping me miserable these days.  Not that I did not know it would happen.  I have first hand experience of what will happen when you take that "first one".  If I take the first one, there will always be a second one and a third, etc, etc, and on and on.  Well, you get the idea.   

And along with my overeating comes the weight gain and then I don't feel like exercising.  I get the lazy syndrome which means more couch time and less gym time. And to top that off - I have a half marathon IN TWO WEEKS!  I have not ran but one time in the last two weeks.   

Well, that is my story and unfortunately I have to stick with it!  The truth is the truth, no matter how hard I try to twist it!  

I went to an OA meeting today and it was just what I needed.  But meetings won't save me and starving won't save me and diet pills won't save me.  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that "I have a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition"  and my spiritual condition is not the best right now.  And it has not been for a long time.  We have joined a new church and I feel the fire growing in me again and I am excited about getting involved with all the people there.  It has been awesome so far!!  

I have a daunting task ahead of me and one that I don't want to do.  I want to take the easy way out - like I have always done in the past.  But the easy way out won't get me anywhere with this weight.  I want to be healthy and have a healthy body.  I'm not taking about skinny - I'm talking about HEALTHY!  And I know it is up to me and no one else.  

Not to lay the blame where it shouldn't be, but I could not live with a drunk if I was trying to stay sober, but I AM having to live with a compulsive over eater and I am trying to NOT eat compulsively.  That sucks!  But I can't blame him.  I am responsible for my life and how it turns out.  It may not be his fault but it does make it harder for me.  I will have to accept that and take responsibility for myself.  If I want it, I can have it.  But just how bad do I want it?  I will have to think about that.......

Speaking of my spiritual condition, I think I will go read the Bible for a while before I go to bed.  I do believe that is a step in the right direction!  

Take care friends.  

Day 34 - This is for real this time!

I know my blog is probably kind of boring compared to others but that's okay.  I am writing for me and my sanity..ha ha!

I made good choices today and am pleased with myself.

Here is a quote from a blog that I am reading from a man who went from 505 to  230.

If you go through the motions, you can lose weight for sure. But if you don't learn about yourself and how to properly handle food and exercise, then you run the risk of gaining it back ~  Sean Anderson

Having lost and re-gained probably 1,000 pounds I can certainty agree with his statement.   I am done a lot of sole searching during my 20 years of being in active recovery and I have learned a lot.  I know I have issues and I have worked on a lot of them over the past 20 years.  I can see how my "thinking" got me into trouble lots of times.  My addiction to alcohol and drugs is no different than my food addiction.  I don't know that I am "addicted" to food but I do believe I am a compulsive overeater.   There are certain foods that, when I start to eat them, I can't stop till I am almost exploding.  I truly believe that if I had not been going on diet and diet for many years I would probably be 500 pounds by now.  My highest weight was 238 and that was almost unbearable for me.  I had consequences and those consequences made me want to change.  Not because of something anybody else said or did but because I WANTED TO CHANGE.  I am doing this healthy eating plan to feel better and look better and to hopefully live long enough to enjoy my grandchildren for a while.   Losing weight is just the icing on the cake!!!

I don't like to use the word "diet" because it makes me feel deprived.  My mind is such that if I think I can't have it, I want it more so I tell myself - I can anything I want, within moderation of course, but do I really want it?  Instead of mindlessly eating I have begun to think about what I am about to put into my mouth.  Is it worth it?  Will it benefit me in any way with the healthy lifestyle I am trying to live?  Most times the answer is no so I don't eat it.  But sometimes, even I like to have a little something special.  So I might have a single small ice cream cone from McDonalds or a low fat smoothie.  I try to steer clear of the ice cream sundaes, banana splits, McFlurries, blizzards and such.  But, if I really wanted one, I would just work the calorie amount into my day.  Since there is a lot of calories in that kind of food, I would wind up eating less food than I could if I were to stick with other things but sometimes I just have to have it!  And I am losing weight!  I have found that I can eat most of what I would like and lose weight.  It is the amount of food that I put into my body and the type of food.  I have had to steer clear of the fried foods and the fast food joints unless I get a salad.  It seems that once I eat something fried from those places it only makes me want more.   The more I stay away from them the easier it is to continue to stay away.  But on occasion I will eat a happy meal when I really want to but I have to be in the frame of mind that this is a one-time deal and I will not eat another food like this for a while.  Eating three times a day at a fast food place (and sometimes more) got me to 238 pounds and I don't ever want to go back to that.   I know is may not be easy but I believe I AM WORTH IT!

In working the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous I have come to the place where I truly love myself and I know that I will mess up, like my stressful cookie day a few days back,  I don't let myself continue on a downward spiral.  I used to let one little mess up be a major downfall for me but not anymore.  I remind myself of where I have come from, where I am headed and why I want to go there.  That keeps me on track most of the time.  And of course, having friends who want to go there with me, and will hold me accountable is something I need as well.  So if you have posted a response to my blog - 304  for you have helped me more than you know.  And if you write a blog you have helped many others as well.  I can't possibly read all the blogs I would like to, but I try to read as much as I can from  others who are headed down the same path.   It gives me great encouragement and lets me know I am not alone on this journey.

So today is day 34 and I have lost 6 pounds since I started.  That is pretty good.  As long as i am headed in the right direction I am happy with that.   For so many years I have done  what I like to call the 2-step, 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  I don't want to take any more steps back but if I do, well, so be it.  I will just dust myself off and more forward.  After all, I have awesome friends like you who continue to lift me up - so if I fall, I won't stay down.  I am done staying down!!! This is for real this time!  

Have a great night friends.

This is for real this time,
Betty