Day before Mississippi River Half Marathon

Over my calories just a little today but the half marathon in the morning should help with that!  Still feeling better with no fast food and very little sweets for the past two weeks.  I believe I might have even lost some weight but not going to weigh in till Monday!! I am looking forward to getting the medal above!!!!!

Make a choice and stick to it - no matter what!

Today I have decided I am going to throw in the towel. Give up you say?? No – not give up. I am going to decide TODAY (one more time) to do this thing. I have been going up and down on a weight loss roller coaster ride for the past few years. I am going to throw in the towel on negativism, on using food for comfort, etc. etc. you get the jest of it.


I think the hardest part for me is knowing I have to do this for the rest of my life. Why can’t I just be skinny. Why wasn’t I born skinny? I don’t know the answer to that. I do know that I will have to struggle with this weight issue forever and I don’t like that thought. But, I can take comfort in what I learned in treatment when I was trying to quit drinking – ONE DAY AT A TIME. Why do I find that so hard to do? I should be able to do anything for just ONE DAY. Including listening to my stomach growl, thinking I am going to die if I don’t have that {fill in the blank} food I am craving, wanting that fried or sweet thing so bad that I could cry but not wanting to give in.

I started this blog a while back hoping to give encouragement to others in their weight loss journey and also to get some encouragement. But unfortunately I don’t feel I have been much encouragement. I have not done the things I started out to do. I have “slipped” back and forth between weight loss and weight gain therefore not really making any progress other than staying relatively close to the same weight for a few years.

I am working out like a demon on most days so the only thing I can up with is I must be eating a tremendous amount of calories to not be losing weight. And there is no guessing to that. I KNOW I am doing that. Just one meal at a fast food joint can wipe out my calorie allotment for the day. I know this but I do it anyway. I am sabotaging myself. Why? Why do I do this? And I know that the first bite will lead to another one, and another one, and another one. That first bite is what does me in. It’s like drinking – if I don’t have the first drink I will never have the whole fifth or the whole bottle. Simple, but oh so hard to do sometimes.

When I quit drinking some 20+ years ago I had resolve to never drink again no matter what. And I made it! When I quit smoking some 18+ years ago I had the same resolve – to not pick up that FIRST cigarette – no matter what! Why oh why is food so much harder? I guess because I have to eat. I don’t have to smoke or drink but I have to eat to survive. There is no way around it!

I read a great blog the other day and she talked about retraining the brain. You can read her blog  here. I think that is what I need to do. I have lived with overeating and the “diet” mentality for so long it is second nature for me. I live to eat when I need to eat to live.

I meant to weigh today when I got up but I did not. So I will weigh in the morning and that will be my starting (again) weight. And I will post it here. No, I don’t want to. But I feel it will help me be accountable. I NEED and WANT accountability. That is the only way this thing will work.

And I want anyone who reads this to feel free to post comments and encouragement and anything you think will help me. I will work up my stats tonight (hopefully) and post them on tomorrow.

Right now I am starving!!!!! No, not really, but my mind tells me I am and I am going to stop listening to my mind lie to me. Because I know it will. It did for years when I was drinking and drugging. I don’t have to listen to that today. I don’t!! In reality I know that if I don’t eat that donut or pizza or whatever that I absolutely WILL NOT DIE. Even if my mind tells me I going to.

So tomorrow will be day 1 and I will post my weight and maybe what I am eating and the exercise I am doing. And I will certainly include my races that I compete it. I love running but I hate that I am so overweight that I am not a little faster. I competed in a 5K yesterday and I finished last. Don’t get me wrong – I have finished last before and it’s no big deal. At least I am out there doing something and not sitting on the couch. But I am tired of just getting by. I want to do better. I want to improve – not just get by. I don’t necessarily want to win, I just want to improve. After all, I am 55 years old and I had never exercised in my life until a few years ago. So I have improved since I first started this journey but I want to continue to improve. Not die a fat old lady in terrible health but I want quality of life for the few years I have left here on this earth. That’s not too much to ask is it? But – it’s all up to me. I am the captain of my ship. I am in control of my destiny. I can do this thing or I can continue to whine about why it’s not working.

It is about quality of life for me. Do I want to just merely survive or do I want to live life to the fullest?

It’s my choice.

Make a choice Betty and this time STICK TO IT!!!!!!!

It Will All Be Worth It!

Was reading my last post titled "This OA way is working" and I realized that OA does work IF I WORK IT! And I have not been working it lately. I began working out with a trainer and was doing well but we had a 2 week hiatus and I let some old habits slip back in. What a minute - what am I saying??? I did not let anything "slip" in! I knew what I was doing when I was doing it! I wanted that food and I ate it. For a while my healthy eating plan went out the window and I ate all the things I said I wouldn't and all the things that are not good for me. I think it all started wtih some candy and went downhill from there. But irregardless of the reason I DO see the pattern and am putting a stop to it right here and now. A friend has recently started his weight loss journey and writing about it on his blog and he has inspired me to keep on keeping on. Yes, some days it is extremely hard and some days are easy but either way - IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT - that much I do know!

Day 26 - Where has my "mojo" gone and negative self talk.

Today is day 26 on my healthy eating program.  I started out strong. But I seem to have fallen back into the old "lose 1, gain 2" scenario.  I don't understand why I can do so well for a few days and then mess up. I think it all started with the pizza last Thursday.  I have been trying to NOT eat friend foods because they don't like me and I like them TOO MUCH!  I justified the pizza by saying that I had included two pieces in my calorie count so it was okay.  But I didn't stop at two pieces,which I  never do when I eat pizza. (Duh!! Anyone know the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.)  That should be my mantra because that is what I do!  Oh well, I will stop complaining, pick myself and start over.  I did not actually fall, so to speak.  I did not revert back to my compulsive way of eating.  I did eat over my calorie amount and that I am not proud of.  You can't lose weight by doing that.  AND.... I have not been exercising at all!  I have got to get back into the  swing of things.  I always feel so much better when I exercise.  I decided tonight that I would do anything, something so I walked a mile with my dog, Lillie.  And I enjoyed it.  I seem to have the "all or nothing" mid set. I think if I can't do my usual 3 mile run, I won't do anything.  But tonight I did a 1 mile WALK and I felt great.  

I have a 5K coming up on July 4th.  I signed up to run but I might walk it since I have not been running much lately.  I am saddened by the fact that I have no one to run with.  I really hate to run by myself and I guess that is why I have not been out there lately.  I feel too self conscious out there by myself.  I had gotten over that but I have begun to let little negative thoughts creep back in like, "people will laugh when they see me running"  etc.  I know some of you may think this is crazy since I have completed numerous 5Ks, 10Ks and three half marathons but I still let the old me slip back in sometimes.  I know that I am no where near skinny and I still have 50+ pounds to lose. 

You know what's funny????  As I sit here writing this - I am telling myself, "so what??"  " who cares what others think?"  "Just get out there and do it!"  At least you are doing something and not sitting on the couch stuffing my face like I used too. It they talk about me, it's because they are probably jealous. And I won't know if they talk about me anyway...how many time has someone yelled something not nice at me while I was running???? NEVER. NOT ONCE!  So all of this is just in my mind.  

I heard once that "my own worst enemy is me!"  Maybe that is true.  If so, I know what to do about that!  

Here's to getting off my duff and getting my running mojo back!  

Have a great night friends!

Betty

Day 9 - Fast food cravings.

Day 9 is ending and is has been another good day.  I ate healthy and I exercised tonight at the gym by running on the treadmill for 2.5 miles.  I had not done that in a while.  It felt GREAT!!!  I have missed my running.  According to my Bodybugg I burned 475 calories during that 2.5 mile run.  Awesome!

I realized tonight at my OA meeting that I have lied to you people!  Aren't 12 step meetings great for keeping us honest??? ha ha. But really - I said that my plan of eating was to eat anything I wanted within moderation but that is NOT true.  I have not been eating any FRIED foods.  I have come to believe that once I start eating them, I want them all the time so I have decided not to eat any.  I have not missed them yet-so far so good.  They always made me feel bad anyway and I know from my experience with alcohol and drugs that once I put something in me that I like way to much, I will crave that something over and over.  If I go to a fast food place for breakfast, I am more likely to go to one at lunch and dinner.  It always happens like that.  Once I start eating that junk, I can't seem to stop until I find myself sitting somewhere, with my stomach so full I can hardly move, wishing I could just throw up, mad at myself and so swollen the next morning and asking myself ONE MORE TIME, why? why did you do this yet again????  With alcohol if I never put that first drink  in my body, I won't crave the second one and the third one and so on.  I feel it is the same with fried foods for me.  And I guess I don't want any right now because I have gone without for 9 days. Seems like the craving has gone and I don't want it back anytime soon!!!

I am finding it hard to fit in my exercise since I am working two jobs but I am making the best of it.  I did not have to work my second job tonight so I was able to make it to the gym.  I grateful for that.

Well kiddos, it's getting late and I really need my  beauty rest, so I'm signing off for the night.

MAKE it a healthy day tomorrow,
Betty

Reaching Out

Today was a milestone for me.

After being in OA for more than a year, I finally mustered up the courage to call someone!

I was headed for a local fast food joint and all the time thinking I don't need be doing this! So I called not one but 3 people! And I did not find it necessary to hit the drive through. I ate something better for me when I got home.

I am excited about it! I know the OA program works - I just have to work it!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8