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Monday, August 27, 2012

Make a choice and stick to it - no matter what!

Today I have decided I am going to throw in the towel. Give up you say?? No – not give up. I am going to decide TODAY (one more time) to do this thing. I have been going up and down on a weight loss roller coaster ride for the past few years. I am going to throw in the towel on negativism, on using food for comfort, etc. etc. you get the jest of it.

I think the hardest part for me is knowing I have to do this for the rest of my life. Why can’t I just be skinny. Why wasn’t I born skinny? I don’t know the answer to that. I do know that I will have to struggle with this weight issue forever and I don’t like that thought. But, I can take comfort in what I learned in treatment when I was trying to quit drinking – ONE DAY AT A TIME. Why do I find that so hard to do? I should be able to do anything for just ONE DAY. Including listening to my stomach growl, thinking I am going to die if I don’t have that {fill in the blank} food I am craving, wanting that fried or sweet thing so bad that I could cry but not wanting to give in.

I started this blog a while back hoping to give encouragement to others in their weight loss journey and also to get some encouragement. But unfortunately I don’t feel I have been much encouragement. I have not done the things I started out to do. I have “slipped” back and forth between weight loss and weight gain therefore not really making any progress other than staying relatively close to the same weight for a few years.

I am working out like a demon on most days so the only thing I can up with is I must be eating a tremendous amount of calories to not be losing weight. And there is no guessing to that. I KNOW I am doing that. Just one meal at a fast food joint can wipe out my calorie allotment for the day. I know this but I do it anyway. I am sabotaging myself. Why? Why do I do this? And I know that the first bite will lead to another one, and another one, and another one. That first bite is what does me in. It’s like drinking – if I don’t have the first drink I will never have the whole fifth or the whole bottle. Simple, but oh so hard to do sometimes.

When I quit drinking some 20+ years ago I had resolve to never drink again no matter what. And I made it! When I quit smoking some 18+ years ago I had the same resolve – to not pick up that FIRST cigarette – no matter what! Why oh why is food so much harder? I guess because I have to eat. I don’t have to smoke or drink but I have to eat to survive. There is no way around it!

I read a great blog the other day and she talked about retraining the brain. You can read her blog  here. I think that is what I need to do. I have lived with overeating and the “diet” mentality for so long it is second nature for me. I live to eat when I need to eat to live.

I meant to weigh today when I got up but I did not. So I will weigh in the morning and that will be my starting (again) weight. And I will post it here. No, I don’t want to. But I feel it will help me be accountable. I NEED and WANT accountability. That is the only way this thing will work.

And I want anyone who reads this to feel free to post comments and encouragement and anything you think will help me. I will work up my stats tonight (hopefully) and post them on tomorrow.

Right now I am starving!!!!! No, not really, but my mind tells me I am and I am going to stop listening to my mind lie to me. Because I know it will. It did for years when I was drinking and drugging. I don’t have to listen to that today. I don’t!! In reality I know that if I don’t eat that donut or pizza or whatever that I absolutely WILL NOT DIE. Even if my mind tells me I going to.

So tomorrow will be day 1 and I will post my weight and maybe what I am eating and the exercise I am doing. And I will certainly include my races that I compete it. I love running but I hate that I am so overweight that I am not a little faster. I competed in a 5K yesterday and I finished last. Don’t get me wrong – I have finished last before and it’s no big deal. At least I am out there doing something and not sitting on the couch. But I am tired of just getting by. I want to do better. I want to improve – not just get by. I don’t necessarily want to win, I just want to improve. After all, I am 55 years old and I had never exercised in my life until a few years ago. So I have improved since I first started this journey but I want to continue to improve. Not die a fat old lady in terrible health but I want quality of life for the few years I have left here on this earth. That’s not too much to ask is it? But – it’s all up to me. I am the captain of my ship. I am in control of my destiny. I can do this thing or I can continue to whine about why it’s not working.

It is about quality of life for me. Do I want to just merely survive or do I want to live life to the fullest?

It’s my choice.

Make a choice Betty and this time STICK TO IT!!!!!!!

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