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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I won't quit!

I had a 10K this past Saturday and it sucked!!!  Really really sucked!!!  My time last year on this race was 1:24 and this year it was 1:32. I felt so bad. At mile 2 I was ready to call it quits.  I had my cell phone so I could call my husband to come and get me in an emergency - was this an emergency???  Certainly not!  But I had never wanted to quit so bad in my life!!  I am not sure what caused all this.  Maybe because I didn't run any the week prior to the race, maybe because I didn't stretch, maybe because I was running alone, maybe because I have been eating too much and not in the best of shape, I really don't know.  And right now - I don't care.  I just know that I started and I finished!  It was hard but I finished!   My brain kept saying "everybody has at least 1 DNF, so why not me??"  But I did not let my brain talk me into quitting.  My legs were hurting, my bad was hurting, my shins were KILLING me!  But I refused to quit!  I had to mentally talk myself all the way through the last 4 miles.  Then when I realized I was the last one and the cop car was  on my tail, my self esteem really took a nose dive then! I don't know why but I hate that car following along behind me like that.  Once during the race, I told myself that this is like the elite runners except that the car is in FRONT of them (usually filming them) and not BEHIND them..he he...(and he wasn't doing any filming, maybe sleeping at the wheel but no filming) least I could find a little humor in my pain!   But I am glad it is over and I don't think I will be doing any 10Ks any time soon.  I am going to stick to the 5Ks for a while.  I am still in training for the half marathon in December so I will continue on with that.

About my weight loss - what weight weight loss going on here.  :(

I can't seem to get it together when it comes to weight loss.  I cannot get in control of the hand-to-mouth thing.  And there is food everywhere at work and I have lost the ability to say no!  I can't tell you how may times I have eaten until I was miserable and I would tell myself, "this is the last time"  only to do it over and over and over again!!!!  Compared to my compulsive eating, my compulsive drinking and smoking was a breeze to quit!!!!!  It probably didn't seem so at the time though.  I don't know what it is going to take to get this under control.  I guess I will do it when I want to.  ~sigh~

Last night watching The Biggest Loser I cried through some of it and thought, yes I can to this!!  Then tonight when my husband called and asked if he could bring me something to eat, what did I do?????  Hamburger and fries.....again.....I sit here as I write this feeling stuffed to the gill and miserable but knowing I will probably do it all over again.  I have thought about making myself throw up but I have never been able to do that.  I think about laxatives, I think about starving, I think about a quick fix (knowing there is not one).  I think about every solution ........but........the real one .....that will help me...............GOD!  Who??? yea, God.   He's the solution to all my problems but right now I am enjoying (most of the time) my greasy fried foods, my decadent chocolate desserts, my bread pudding,  my donuts,  my king size candy bars, and on and on.  I love food more than I love myself.  There - I said it!! Because right now it is true - I love food more than I love myself.  If I didn't I would not put all this stuff in my body knowing it is only making it worse.  And I must love food more than I love God or I would ask him for the help that he is waiting patiently to give me.........

Until tomorrow friends.  Regardless of what I write - I will NEVER give up, I will NEVER quit!

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