Carb addict!

Weight today - yeh, lets just get the bad out there first!!! ha ha!!!

206 pounds!

But....Yesterday was a good day and today was a good day.  I just left the OA meeting and I feel better.  We are listening to a big book study and the guy doing it is in OA and relates everything to food.  Boy, do I get it!  I just need to listen to him 24/7 and maybe it will stick in my thick skull.

I have been sober 22 years and God has removed the craving I had for alcohol and drugs.  Now I need him to do it for the carbs and sweets.  In the big book study he talks about having an addition to carbs and I believe a person can have that.  I think I do!  The more I eat them, the more I want them!  There is no "I'll just have one" when it comes to pizza, donuts, fast food etc.  If I eat at a fast food place for lunch I will want to eat there for supper and every day thereafter.  I do believe it sets up a craving in me just like when I had the problem with alcohol. And the only way to stop a craving is to never start one!  I always heard in AA that it is not the 100th drink that gets you - it's the first one and today I understand that.  If I never have the 1st one - then I don't have to have the 2nd, and the 3rd and so on.  Its the same way for me with the carbs and sweets.  If I can just refrain from having that 1st one, that is where my problem lies. I lie to myself and say I will only have 1 but I don't ever have 1 of anything!  My mentality has always been - if 1 is good, then 2 or more is better!  And that gets me into a lot of trouble most times.  I truly understand this but have yet to be able to live it out.  There are days when I can have "just 1"  and it may take a while but eventually I will end up on a day when 1 just isn't enough and I will eat till I am sick.  

This .....has.....to .....stop!

So, I am proud of my two good days and I hope to have a few more good days, one day at a time.  

Make it a great evening friends.

one day.....maybe...I just might want this thing!

I'm training for st Jude again and once again I can understand why I need to lose weight.  I know I need to and I want to, I guess, but if there is anything such as willpower, then I have none. 😞 

I started back to OA meetings again.  Then,  first thing this morning the kitchen at work is full of temptations!  I can't get around them! They are everywhere!  Once again I have to ask myself, how bad do I want it???  Obviously not bad enough!  

So today I am starting back with no diet cokes, eating healthier, more water etc. 

I saw this once-if you're tired of starting over, then stop quitting. That is my life in a nutshell!  I start out good and it only lasts a little while. 

I am hoping my blogging again, talking to others, meetings, working 12 steps etc will stick this time.  I am hoping one day I will want to be healthy and a normal weight more than I want that chocolate ______fill in the blank! 

Have a blessed day friends.  😄

today sucked!!!!

Today sucked! It really did. I got my feelings hurt!  I hate tattletales, especially ones you think are your friends.  Jealousy is a cruel devil and it will strike when (and where) you lest expect it!!  So I guess I will just do my job and not worry about making friends. 

I weighed today and it was so bad, I don'r remember what it was. It was around 206 I think!!!!  I am so disgusted with myself.  I can't keep a good think going for nothing!!!!!  I am still running but the weight is just not coming off.  I am thinking about trying juicing for a few days and see how that works.  I bought a juicer and I tried a few recipes and they tasted okay.

I am on a different antidepressant - Effexor - and it is making me sick to my stomach every time I take it.  I will have to change it I suppose.  I think sometimes I need to stop all meds and start over and see what happens.

I have not been going to OA meetings or any meetings on a regular basis. Our OA only has 1-2 people that show up and there is not much recovery there and I find it turns into a "how my day went" meeting instead of what I feel like it needs to be. But I may keep going.  I haven't really decided yet what I need to do.

I guess when the pain of being overweight gets to really bother me, I might, just might, do something about it. If I had the time I would check myself into Shades of Hope but I don't have the time off from work. Some days I wish I could just crawl under the covers and stay there.  But that wouldn't be much of a life now would it?

This is how I feel some days:

But on the other hand .... I just ordered my first Iphone and can't wait to get it so I can play with it.  I have a galaxy but after a swim in the toilet, it doesn't work very well so I decided to go with the Iphone so I can facetalk with my grandson who doesn't live nearby.    Yay!!!

MAKE it a great day friends, 

Betty 

18 pounds lost. Yep. There's a healthy lady in me and she is coming out!

I have lost 18 pounds so far.  I know there is a "healthy" woman in me and she is going to come out!!!!!!!!!!

 Ya!! Go me!!!!

ONE MORE HEALTHY DAY!!

I am going to be weighing in on Mondays. I did not lose any weight last week but I have really been watching what I eat this week and trying to exercise every day.  Hopefully this Monday will show a loss.  Maybe I won't blow it on the weekend again!  I am really trying hard this time.

The OA meeting was great. There were only four of us there but that was fine. We listened to an interview of a fellow OA member.  We have a small group and not much abstinence so we find it nice to listen to someone who is actually living and working the program.  The speaker said a lot of things that I could relate to.  I have found several podcasts for OA on Itunes so I have downloaded several of them to listen to.   That will help I am sure.

I am trying to eat 3 meals a day with not as many snacks.  I find that when I eat 3 meals and 3 snacks it is like I am eating all day long and I focus only on the food. I have got to learn to sit still and not focus so much on food.  My job has changed a little at work as well so I find that as long as I stay busy I don't go to the kitchen as much.  I think some of my eating is out of boredom.  Not that I don't have plenty of work to do, because I do, but sometimes doing the same thing over and over gets boring and I find myself thinking of hunting for something to eat just to be doing something different.  So I have got to stop that.

It is almost bedtime so I am going to take a long hot bath since I just got off the dreadmill treadmill and maybe I can get some sleep!

I hope everyone had a HEALTHY day today and is planning to have one tomorrow as well.  I am!

I put my hand in yours, and together we can do what we could never do alone.

Betty

FOR TODAY DAILY READING

I can hold onto fear that serves the purpose of keeping my compulsion alive, or i can turn over my life-one moment at a time- over to my higher power.

My fears may not make the headlines or be a threat to others, but compulsive overeating is a killing disease--slow, patient, agonizing.

I can find instructions for dealing with my fears in the 12 steps.  i can read AA or OA literature.

I know the steps work.   I just have to WORK THEM!!!!

Make it a great day!

weight today - 212.6 down from 215.

Woohoo! I lost weight this week! How freakingly awesome is that!!!!!!!  Now i just need to keep it up.

Found a coworker who seems to be as committed as me about staying in shape!  We are planning on walking every evening after work!  Did over 4 miles today!  Im excited!!

MAKE it a healthy day friends!
Betty

I REFUSE TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF

I am having a hard time.  My eating is badly out of control and I feel helpless to stop it.  But I know that is not true. I see people who are being successful at weight loss and I feel sorry for myself.  But.....it's no one's fault but my own.  They can't lose it for me.  Only I can do it.  That much I do know.  

But I refuse to give up.  Simply put - when I give up, I gain weight.  And I have given up.  Since Christmas I have been eating anything I wanted with only a few days of healthy eating.  I have gained 20 pounds.  And I have a half marathon THIS SATURDAY.   

IT IS NOT GOING TO BE PRETTY!  

But I will finish and and I will do something about this uncontrolled eating.  Starting tomorrow.  I have done everything I know to do in the past:  

1. Gotten accountability. 

2. Rid my house of junk food.

3. Got rid of all "big" clothes. 

4. Weigh every day or don't weigh every day.  

5. Eat no sugar, eat some sugar etc...

6. Eat more protein.  

7. Eat less protein...

Well, you get the idea.   Here I am whining again about how I can't lose weight.  Poor pitiful me.  And that attitude has gotten me NO WHERE!!! EXCEPT FATTER!!!!! 

So, once again I plan to start over. But I am tried of starting over.  Maybe this will be my last time to start over.  I can't keep using my compulsive overeating husband as an excuse for my weight gain.  I should be setting a better example for him and maybe he will join me.  I have 1,000 excuses why I'm not losing weight but the real reason is - I eat too much.  There!!!  I said it - I EAT TOO MUCH!!!!!

I am going to PRAY for better control this week, LOG my food, go to my OA MEETING.  Yes, it's a pain sometimes most of the time to do what I know I need to do. 

So, I can either stay miserable or work hard to be fit and healthy.  The choice is mine but I must be willing to live with the choice I make.

I HEAR THE ROAD CALLING MY NAME

 I hear the road calling my name.  I called my running/walking buddies and we are meeting in the morning for a 3 mile run/walk.  My first run outside in 3 weeks!!!

I am going to get back at it (again).  I have been on "break" long enough!! ha ha...

Well, kick my behind!

Today started out a good day but ended up pretty much as it has been by nightfall.  I did good until I came home and found the left over pizza in the fridge.   I knew not to eat it but I did it anyway.  I get so mad at myself these days.

I have committed to writing everything down that I eat but when I overeat I just say, "the heck with it"  and just don't write any more of it down.  I feel like just putting a total of 1 billion calories and call it a day!!!!!!

EXERCISE TODAY:  None to speak of.  I have good intentions but don't quite make it; at least I haven't in a few weeks. This half marathon coming up on April 6th is going to KICK MY BEHIND!!!  

But I can always walk it if I have too.  The idea is to just finish!!!  And finish I will!

Make it a great day friends.

Betty

MY OBESE LIFESTYLE IS BACK!

The above picture is an example of my lifestyle since Christmas.  I started eating and have not been able to stop.  An addiction is an addiction no matter what I am addicted to.  It seems SUGAR and FRIED FOODS are the culprits that are keeping me miserable these days.  Not that I did not know it would happen.  I have first hand experience of what will happen when you take that "first one".  If I take the first one, there will always be a second one and a third, etc, etc, and on and on.  Well, you get the idea.   

And along with my overeating comes the weight gain and then I don't feel like exercising.  I get the lazy syndrome which means more couch time and less gym time. And to top that off - I have a half marathon IN TWO WEEKS!  I have not ran but one time in the last two weeks.   

Well, that is my story and unfortunately I have to stick with it!  The truth is the truth, no matter how hard I try to twist it!  

I went to an OA meeting today and it was just what I needed.  But meetings won't save me and starving won't save me and diet pills won't save me.  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that "I have a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition"  and my spiritual condition is not the best right now.  And it has not been for a long time.  We have joined a new church and I feel the fire growing in me again and I am excited about getting involved with all the people there.  It has been awesome so far!!  

I have a daunting task ahead of me and one that I don't want to do.  I want to take the easy way out - like I have always done in the past.  But the easy way out won't get me anywhere with this weight.  I want to be healthy and have a healthy body.  I'm not taking about skinny - I'm talking about HEALTHY!  And I know it is up to me and no one else.  

Not to lay the blame where it shouldn't be, but I could not live with a drunk if I was trying to stay sober, but I AM having to live with a compulsive over eater and I am trying to NOT eat compulsively.  That sucks!  But I can't blame him.  I am responsible for my life and how it turns out.  It may not be his fault but it does make it harder for me.  I will have to accept that and take responsibility for myself.  If I want it, I can have it.  But just how bad do I want it?  I will have to think about that.......

Speaking of my spiritual condition, I think I will go read the Bible for a while before I go to bed.  I do believe that is a step in the right direction!  

Take care friends.  

Still here! St. Jude Half this Saturday

I am still here.  Just not happy with myself right now.  I have gained some weight and am finding it hard to lose.   I have been focusing on my running and maybe I need to focus on the weight loss.  The running is a lot harder when I gain weight of course.

I have my fourth St. Jude Half Marathon this Saturday and I hope it won't be too hard since I am a little heavier than before.  You would think with three HMs coming up I would be more health conscious but that is not what is happening I am afraid.  This compulsive overeating is about to get the best of me.  And it doesn't help that I live with a compulsive over eater  that is in severe denial as well!  But I can't blame him.  I make my own choices and I can chose to do right even when he doesn't.  So far that is NOT what I have done!!!

I can't seem to find any consistency with my healthy eating and my weight loss.  I do okay for a while then revert back to my unhealthy habits.  I don't know what I need to do.

• Get real?  
• Get serious?
• Get drunk???? (just kidding - not gonna throw away 21 years of sobriety over this food issue)

Sometimes life stinks and sometimes it is great!  I can't always have it perfect.  

• I have not been running much. 
• I have not been eating healthy.
• I have not been going to my OA meetings.
• I have not been going to my AA meetings.  

I have only been working, working, working.  And my job is sometimes very stressful!  Well, enough of the excuses.  I won't do anything about anything until I get sick and tired of being sick and tired.  That much I  know!!!

But I am EXCITED about my half marathon this Saturday.  My time will probably suck but I WILL FINISH. 

All I want to do is cross that finish line -  

1. Standing up
2. With a smile on my face
3. And wanting to do it all again!!!  

Until next time friends! 

Have a wonderful night!

Vacation over- MUST STOP EATING!!

I haven't posted in a while. Went to New York City on vacation the first wk of this month. LOVED IT!!!  Would go again tomorrow if I could.  So heart breaking to see the destruction there now.  :(

While on vacation I ate way to much and haven't stopped since I got back! Ouch!! And I am feeling it too!  But will get back on track asap. 

Tomorrow is the Biggest Loser 5K in Jackson. Ms.  My daughter is running it with me. Yea! !!  Going to be exciting.

I did a 5K last Saturday as well.  My time was better but not my best.  I must get this weight off in order to improve my running and my health.   I have been real SOB lately.  And BP was up at last visit to doc.  Hope it is better at next visit.  Have not been diagnosed with Hypertension and don't want to be! 

Going to bed now.  Hopefully i can get some rest. I can never sleep well the night before a race. 

LOWER BODY WORKOUT TONIGHT AND CALORIE COUNT

Lower body workout tonight: Some of these I have made up my own name for them so I can remember them (and I don't know the real name. haha).

Weight machines -
Ab machine - 1 set of 200 reps @ 30 lbs.
Leg extensions 4 sets of 15 @ 55 lbs.
Seated leg curls 2 sets of 15 @55 lbs and 2 set of 15 @ 65 lbs.
Seated leg press - 2 sets of 15 @ 110 lbs and 2 sets of 15 @ 130 lbs.

Free Weights -
Toe raises with hand held weights
- 2 sets of 20 @ 25 lbs and 2 sets of 20 @ 20 lbs.

No weights for these -
Push aways (ab work) 30 reps (no weights with this exercise).

Knee bends (works the quads) 4 sets of 20 (no weights).

Lunges 4 sets of 12. OUCH !! I hate those!!!

Calories allotment:  1,350
Calories for today:  1,258. (not too shabby) :)





Have a great evening!!!!

NOT MUCH PROGRESS LATELY!

Ok, so, someone posted a comment on my blog and said they were missing my posts.  How cool is that. Made me want to post right away.  Not that I have anything good to report.....

I have completely discontinued the fluid pill and my weight, not suprisingly, is up.  That sucks and I don't like it one bit but I know it is not only because of stopping the fluid pill.  We were on the road a lot last week and I ate several things that were not good for me.  So much so that I did not even record what I ate.  I could have just put 5,000+ calories and been done with it! 

I am back to keeping up with what I eat today.  My trainer said that all this exercise and working out is for nothing if we don't take our diet seriously. He is so right.  I have been running, biking, walking, treadmill, eliptical etc since 2009 but am at the same weight, give or take a pound or two!  I can exercise all I want but if I still eat too many calories, the weight is NOT coming off.  I know all the great and wonderful things that WORK when I am trying to lose weight, but more times that not, I want what I want, when I want it and my diet and hard work goes right out the window. 


I don't know what it will take to stop this insanity.  I have hardly any consequences from my overeating other than the fact that I don't like the way I look.  But today I have been having some stomach upset and I know it is from all the fast food that I ate over the weekend.  Of course when that goes away I will forget it even happened and go right back to what I know best! 

Changing habits that have been with me for over 40 years is damn hard but not impossible.  I will continue to try to do better.  I will NEVER give up on this journey to be a healthy person!!

My motivational quote today is in the form of a picture.  Enjoy -

It's STILL time for a change....

MAKE it a great day,

Betty

DAY 10 WAS YESTERDAY AND A GOOD DAY

 

Yesterday was day 10 and it was a pretty good day.
I am sore from gym workout with weight machines but I knew I would be.

I am also so tired. I have a full time job and two part-time jobs and I am not getting enough sleep.  One of these part-time jobs is only temporary so I will suffer through till the end.

Yesterday I had several periods of feeling extremely hungry even though I don't think I could have been really hungry but my stomach growled.  And I went to bed feeling that way.  But guess what  - it didn't kill me.  I still woke up this morning.

Not sure how this blogging is gonna go - if I will post on the day of or the day after.  Finding the time to post is a problem.

Yesterday's stats:
Starting Weight 197
Current Weight - 195.6
Goal weight 140
Steps - 12,617
Exercise - 3 mile walk in the park.
Calories eaten 1,396

Motivational Thought for The Day

Enthusiasm releases the drive to carry you over obstacles and adds significance to all you do.

Norman Vincent Peale

 

Enthusiam also keeps me running when my mind says stop but I know my body can go the distance.  This will be week 5 of my half marathon training and we are scheduled for 6.5 miles this Sat.  When I lose this weight - and I will - I will be a little faster so it won't take as long to go the longer miles.  At least that is what I am shooting for! 

MAKE it a great day!

DAY 9, BLOGGING EVERY DAY AND A HARD WORKOUT

 

It is getting hard to post every day but I will do my best.  I have a full time job and 2 part time jobs and in between working out I have a hard time being able to keep up with this blog but I feel I really need to so I will give it my best. 

My weight is down today - yes, I still weigh EVERY day or most days anyway.  Sometimes I forget to but that is rare. 

Had HARD workoujt  in the gym last night.  Worked on weight machines mostly.  Highest weight lifted was 55. 

I have the lower body strength and Almedia has the upper body strenth.  Put us together and we would be ferocious!!! Ha ha.  This is going to be short and sweet today...no really.... it is. 

MOTIVATIONAL QUOTE FOR THE DAY

When you recognize that failing doesn't make you a failure, you give yourself permission to try all sorts of things.

Lauren Fleshman, American track and field athlete

SCRIPTURE QUOTE FOR THE DAY 

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. ~ Philippians 4:13 

It's time for a change........

MAKE it a great day friends.

Betty

Day 8 - NO WEIGHT LOSS HERE, FLUID PILLS and ACCEPTANCE

I want so bad to lie to you people and tell you I lost weight this week but I just can't do it.  That is a good thing - right?

I have had good days and a few bad days. I believe a few bad days can really wreck the few good days because when I have the bad days I can really put away some food.  My choices are always fried and high calorie foods and sweets and those calories can add up fast!

But...another problem I am having is what I believe to be a psychological dependence on fluid pills. I have been taking fluid pills for a year or so prescribed by a doctor.  Why you say?  Because I can!  Not because I need them.  I don't have high blood pressure or any medical reason for taking them.  I do have a big problem with fluid retention so sometimes I feel I look like this -

I know, I know, I probably NEVER look like this but that is what I feel like.  A week or so ago I stopped taking the fluid pills and my weight went up 7 POUNDS in just a few days. WOW !!  I could not handle that so I started them back and it went down.    Now - I really want to get off these things because I have no good reason for taking them other than vanity!  Yes, dear friends - vanity.  Oh don't look so shocked.  You know you have it too sometimes.  We all do.  We sometimes care what other people will think about us.  Too fat, too skinny, too poor, too ugly.   But I can honestly say that my problem with what other people think about me is not nearly as bad as it used to be!  Sometimes I still care, but only sometimes, not all the time like I used to.  When I remember how much Jesus loves me and that in HIS eyes I am perfect that feeling of what you must be thinking about me quickly goes away.  It it not important what YOU think of me.   And the truth be known, you are probably not thinking anything about me at all!! It is all in my mind.  My sick twisted mind that talks to me and tells me I have fat, ugly, not good for anything, dumb, stupid, you know the drill.  You probably have those conversations in your head sometimes too.  But praise the Lord I can counteract those negative feelings and thoughts with positive ones and come out of the funk I am in.  

Oh wait - off topic here.  Back to the fluid pills - I am still going to stop taking them and I will probably see a weight "gain" which will be fluid I am sure but i can help that with drinking more water which I am trying to do anyway. So my weigh-ins will probably be up and down for a while until my body gets used to not having the fluid pills.  It is what it is.  But I want to be healthy and not depend on pills to get me there.  

Exercise is one thing that makes me feel great.  Whether I do it for 30 minutes or an hour or however long, it never ceases to make me feel better.  Today we walked a good 2 miles in the park and it was HOT!!  We ran some on the last half mile.  Trainer Curtis was even sweating and he doesn't usually sweat!  He he... we were excited that even he was getting a good workout today!!   We felt like we were putting him through the ringer...NOT!!  

So without any further adieu, here are my stats for today:

Previous weight 197.3 

Weight today - 200

Calories - 1,429

Exercise - 45 minutes of walking/some running but not much. 

Fluid pill today - yes.

Water - 15 cups - yes - 15!!!   (ya for me!!)

Motivational Quote For Today

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” - Lao Tzu.

Scripture For Today

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession,that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9

 

Day 6.

Cheese and crackers for breakfast.

TGIF Friday pecan crusted chicken salad for lunch.  Shared brownie with ice cream with daughter-in-law.

Stuffed eggs, grilled cheese for supper.

Enjoying my time with my grandson, Charlie!

No exercise today. :(

Motivational Quote: 
What are stumbling blocks and defeat before you, can be stepping stones to victory if you remain determined.

I am determined!!

MAKE it a great evening.