I don't get it......or maybe I do!!

 would really like to know how to lose weight! Calories in vs. calories out they say. And yet, I am having no progress. I know that I don't eat right on every single day but then again, my exercise should help with some of it. Is it really so easy to gain weight that missing a few exercise sessions and eating a little two much on 1-2 days out of the week would make a difference? I know there have been days when my calories count was off the roof! But most days it is within my calorie range. Am I eating too much? Is my calorie count spark people gave me correct? Am I not exercising enough? I don't know what the problem is. I know that I have lost and gained 1,000 of pounds. I have used every diet known to man over the last 30 years, plus fen-phen, diet pills - you name it! Have I messed up my metabolism so bad that it can't be repaired? Am I destined to be fat all my life? 

I went shopping the other day and I was happy to know that I can shop in the "regular" sizes and not the XL sizes. I have made some progress over the past five years but my weight loss has stopped and I have been getting absolutely no where for the past two years. It is so frustrating. It makes me want to starve myself. If I don't eat then I WILL lose weight! But I don't want to just be skinny - I want to be healthy. Maybe I should see a dietitican or a personal trainer or a hypnotist, or a guru........maybe I should just put duct tape over my mouth (don't laugh-that thought has crossed my mind but I didn't think it would make a very good fashion statement). 

Weight loss is so frustrating......weight loss is so frustrating....have I said that weight loss is frustrating???? ~sigh~ 

I get really motivated and it lasts for about a week. I am exercising, counting calories, recording calories, going to OA meetings, but I still find myself binging on certain foods. For instance - I go to a recovery meeting every Thursday night where I am a small group leader, so I have to be there. We serve pizza every Thursday. I have tried everything to not eat that pizza. I have gone in late, gone in early, stopped helping to serve the food, etc, etc. Last Thursday I even ate before I went, told myself I would not eat the pizza over and over and then as I ate the pizza my mind was saying, "You don't need to be eating is" but I had no mental defense against it. 

Sometimes I think it just boils down to - "what do I really want" Evidently I want to be fat because that is what is happening. I am CHOOSING to eat those things, I am making conscious decisions that I know will hinder my weight loss. What the hell is up with that???? It must be what I want or I wouldn't be doing it. 

But - at the same time - is it NOT what I want. I DO want to lose weight, I DO want to be healthy, but my actions are saying otherwise. I guess if I REALLY wanted it, I would do it. Sounds simple huh? But yet it's not. There are days when I am eating and saying right at that moment, as I am eating, that I do not need to eat this yet I just keep eating. I just keep eating.............!!!!!! Why can't I stop? Why can't I, when my mind says stop, just stop? I don't have the answer to that question but as always, I refuse to give up on me. I will continue on this beaten path - it is all I know right now. Somewhere deep down inside me is the yearning to be healthy and I know exactly what to do but I am not doing it. When am I going to stop feeling sorry for myself and suck it up and just do it? I am so sick and tired of this yo-yoing back and forth. (not too sick of it, or I would stop huh???) I am torn between two lovers - the love of food and the love to be a normal weight and a healthy individual. 

I know it sounds like poor pitiful me, once again, but I can't keep this stuff and these feelings bottled up. I have to let them out. So there it is. My rant for the day. I am still going to MAKE it a great day. One day at a time. I hope you do too.